Going Camping

Going up to Lake Texoma for the New Year. It is beautiful up there. There is a fire ban so no fires but it is still gorgeous.

TMI 32 There's Got To Be A Morning After

After about another 20 minutes the son shows up. He is about 6ft and in great shape from the Marine training. He comes in, takes one look at the house and asks me if Dennis hit me. I lie and say no.

I am scared Dennis is going to jail this time and I tell the son so. Calling your Probation Officer the "N" word generally is not good practice. We decide that the best thing to do is to try to get him committed to a Alcohol Treatment Facility tonight before the appointment in the morning. We have no idea how to do that, so we take him to the Emergency Room. As soon as we get him off the floor he becomes combative and the son puts him in a headlock and bounces him off any convenient wall. We get him to the minivan and I drive to the ER while the son sits on him.

We get him inside the ER waiting room and I do what it takes to get him seen. They aren't pleased. They tell me they are not equipped to deal with this. I tell them he has alcohol poisoning and needs treatment. They agree to see him.

We get him back to a room. He is totally combative and is obviously trying to hurt me at this point. His son is the only thing keeping him from killing me. He bounces Dennis off the walls whenever he wakes up and takes a lunge for me. They call hospital security. We explain that he is severely drunk and has alcohol poisoning and that he need treatment. They do a blood alcohol test. Then hit him up with Atavan to knock him out. It is about 2 AM. I am exhausted and scared and trying so hard to help him. I know it is the alcohol talking and not really Dennis.

We get out of there around 5 AM after talking to counselors. Dennis's blood alcohol was .4 at 2 AM His last drink was around 5 PM. He is lucky he didn't die.

The son's dental appointment at Carswell is at 7:30. We get the still unconscious Dennis in the Minivan around 5:30. They tell me at the hospital he will sleep it off. We make it home to my house. The son gets his uniform on and I drive with him following me to Carswell. He goes onto the base and I head to the appointment with the Probation Officer.

I can barely get Dennis to wake up. I make it to the area in Fort Worth where we have to see the Probation Officer. I haven't slept yet. I get a strong cup of coffee from a fast food place and drink some and try to get the rest into Dennis.

He is somewhat contrite at his point. I tell him he just needs to go in and be honest and explain he has an alcohol problem and tell them he has gotten info on in-patient treatment facilities. He agrees.

We get called in to see the Probation Officer and his demeanor changes. He gets ugly, they call in the deputies and he is arrested for public drunkness. I go home.

TMI 31 A Long Day's Journey Into Night

I decide the 13 year old needs to spend the night at the friends house as ours isn't going to be a place for kids. He and the friend leave for the friends apartment.

Dennis is in a total rage. I have NEVER seen him like this. He is storming around and yelling. I tell him I gave him fair warning and that it was his choice to not take the Antabuse.

He decides he wants more alcohol. I hide his shoes, his wallet, his keys and the bicycles. He starts tries to leave barefooted with a blank check. I tell him no. He had brought in a 2x4 from the garage to bar the bedroom door with when he got home. I pick it up. I tell him he is not leaving and that I will hit him with the 2x4 before I let him. I tell him that I am his chaperone and I love him and I am not going to let him destroy what little chance he has at a normal life. He tries to leave. I hit him with the 2x4. Not hard enough to really hurt him just enough to get his attention. I hit him across the shoulders. He finally passes out face down on the bedroom rug from the alcohol not from the 2x4. I am afraid he will smother. I try to roll him over but he is dead weight. I am pregnant and exhausted. I finally get him rolled over.

The working phone rings. It is his oldest son and he has a dental appointment in the morning and he needs me to show him how to get to Carswell. He says he will be there at my house in 45 minutes.

Dennis wakes up and tries to leave. I have his shoes and he takes them from me and hits me in the stomach with them as hard as he can. I crumple to the floor faking how badly I am hurt and he is finally scared. He goes into the kitchen and I get up. I am okay. I am just surprised he would do this. He picks up my cast iron skillet and bounces it off of the kitchen floor with enough force to shatter it into pieces. There is now a huge dent in the floor. He goes back into the bedroom and passes out again.

TMI 30 Then, all Hell Broke Loose

It took me 30 minutes to get home. The phone was ringing when I got there. My 13 year old indicated that Dennis had come in 10 minutes earlier and proceeded to lock himself in the bedroom.

I answered the phone. It was the Probation Officer. LOVELY! He wanted to talk to Dennis. Dennis wouldn't come out of the bedroom. We argued thru the door and he finally agreed to open the door and talk to the man after I indicated that he would send the police over to pick Dennis up if he didn't.

Dennis opened the door to the bedroom and I went in and handed him the phone. He was totally shitfaced drunk. He had stopped at a liquor store on the way home, then at a McDonalds. He emptied the drink out and filled the 20 oz. cup with Vodka. It was gone by the time he got home and had refilled it and was working his way thru his second 20 oz. of Vodka. He took the phone and spoke briefly to the Probation Officer. He handed the phone back to me. The Probation Officer ask if I was going to be safe there with him. I said yes. I had it under control. He told me he wanted to see Dennis at 8 AM the next morning.

The Probation Officer wants to talk to Dennis again. The alcohol is getting to Dennis more and more by the minute. The Probation Officer says something to Dennis and Dennis makes a racial slur and throws the phone at the wall. It is no longer usuable.

TMI 29 The Second Probation Officer and the Sex Offender Therapist

I was home full time now on short term disability due to the pregnancy. It turns out I was not diabetic after all but I pretty much tried to adhere to the diet for diabetics anyway since I had such large babies in the past. Since I was home, my new full time job was to supervise Dennis. It was March 1998 by now. Dennis was refusing to take Antabuse period. He and I were fighting about his drinking constantly. I was going to the chaperone classes and doing everything in my power to get him to abide by the terms of his probation. The chaperone classes made me ill. I was frustrated. Dennis wasn't a pedophile just a drunk. We met with the "new" probation officer. I kinda liked the guy. He seemed like he was a really good guy that basically had to deal with the scum of the earth on a daily basis. Dennis of course immediately hated him. But then, Dennis hated everyone that had anything to do with him not having absolute freedom to do what he wanted 24 hours a day 7 days a week. This was beginning to include me.

His oldest son's girlfriend was now pregnant from his trip home over Christmas. The son's mother was having back surgery and the son had requested and was in the process of receiving a Hardship Discharge from the Marines so he could take care of his mother. He was back in the area on Compassionate Reassignment until his discharge came thru. He was working as a Marine Recruiter in the meantime. He needed some dental work done and had to go to what was then Carswell Joint Base in Fort Worth.

It was a Monday afternoon. I was 7 months pregnant and physically exhausted from being pregnant and so stressed at 37. Dennis had his first meeting with his Sex Offender Therapist. I had had it with his drinking. I felt like I could talk to the Therapist about it and it would cause less problems that going to the Probation Officer. Boy, was I in for a surprise.

I gave Dennis an ultimatium. I told him that he start taking the Antabuse again or I would go and talk with the Therapist and explain that his problem was not that he was a pedophile but that he was a really serious alcoholic. He refused. I left to go meet with his Therapist at his appointment time. The therapist was a hardass and not thrilled to see me. I had gotten there before Dennis and was about halfway thru my explanation when Dennis arrived. He was livid. I wasn't surprised but I thought he would be smart enough to have learned you don't argue with people that have authority over your life. I hoped the Therapist would encourage him to enter a Treatment Facility. Dennis talked for about 15 minutes then stormed out after a shouting match with the Therapist. The Therapist told me I was crazy for buying any of his story and that he most certainly was a pedophile and that I was in denial. He proceeded to call Dennis's Probation Officer while I was there. I left and headed home, not looking forward to the fight when I got there. I knew Dennis was going to be mad but certainly he would see I just loved him and was trying to help.

Strength

Sometimes I am miraculously strong other times, I need a keeper. Right now, I need a keeper.

I probably shouldn't show these vulnerabilities here. I don't show them to people I know. There is a certain freedom from being somewhat anonymous.

My Noah

I haven't done so badly after all. I do still worry and do still feel very guilty. He deserves so much better than he has gotten.

TMI 28 Terms of the probation

One of the terms of the probation was that Dennis NEVER be in the company of anyone under the age of 18 without an approved chaperone present. I was not yet approved. I could not make him not be home with my son who was 13 and his friend and his little sister. I was at my wit's end.

I did finally get my Long Term Disabilty for my pregnancy approved. I lost 11 lbs the first week I stayed home. Apparently, I had been retaining water and once I could get off my feet, my body could get rid of it. Consequently, I had gained 0, Zero, weight since my pregnancy began. I ate lots of vitamins but couldn't make myself eat. My life was just too unstable. I tried to eat, I really did. Thank God, I was not thin when this all started.

TMI 27 Meanwhile, back at the farm

Dennis had become totally unreasonable with my son and his friends. My son's best friend had a younger sister. She was blonde and beautiful and about 10 at the time. She would often be dropped off at the house with my son's best friend. The friends mother had "issues." I loved these kids like my own. Dennis didn't. He was increasingly mean to my son and his friend and increasing patient and concerned with the little sister. I didn't see it at the time. I was such a fool. She was never there without my son and her brother. Thank GOD!

I had started the chaperone certification. It was 2 nights a week for 4 weeks. It was some of the most miserable times I have ever spent in my entire life. There were classes that pretty much spelled out what molesters do to "groom" their victims. I was sick and pregnant. Dennis wasn't a pedophile, he was a drunk. Why should I be put thru this. The stories made me physically ill. I wasn't sure I could complete the certification. I was tired and pregnant and just plain sick with everything.

Dennis would start his sex offender therapy soon. I was looking forward to it. Finally there would be someone with a medical background that would understand he was an alcoholic not a pedophile.

TMI 26 The OB/GYN

About this time, I was going back for my monthly check up. I had had large babies in the past and there was a concern I would become diabetic. I had gained 11 lbs since I got pregnant and I was now about 5 months along. Dennis and I had had an argument when he was drunk and he had grabbed my arm. I had bruises of his hand and fingerprints on my upper arm. They did a quick blood test after commenting on the bruises (It was really clear what they were) and decided by blood sugar was too high. I was sent for a glucose tolerance test. This was bad.

We finally went to see the Department of Community Supervision in Tarrant County. They were "less than pleased" we missed the first appointment. (Notice how I still say we when I should say he, I just have too much guilt wrapped up in this)

We met the first probation officer after processing in and being reprimanded for not reporting on time the first time. It seems Dennis's attorneys would not be serving the probation, Dennis would and it would behoove us to remember that in the future and not listen to what they said but instead listen to what the Community Supervision said.

The first probation officer seemed like a nice enough guy. He listened to our story without comment and made the appropriate notes. We went home feeling at bit worse for wear but feeling like things would be okay.

I failed the glucose tolerance test. I was diabetic. I submitted the paperwork to stay home for the remainder of my pregnancy.

Dennis continued to drink to excess every second he could. He refused to take Antabuse any more. His doctor refused to see him again. I was at my wits end.

TMI 25 The Probation Officers

We were told by the attorneys that we needed to report to the probation department in Wise County. We got a letter from Tarrant County telling Dennis to report for "supervision". We called the attorney's. They told us to see the Wise County Community Supervision Department. That appointment was 2 days after the date we were to see the Tarrant County Community Supervision Department. The attorney's said to not worry about Tarrant County as they had it all worked out. BAD MISTAKE.

When reporting for probation supervision, do NOT mention any deals your attorney has made. They are not interested. These folks don't fuck around (sorry about the language but it is appropriate in this case). When your life is in someone else's hands you say yes ma'am and no ma'am, and yes sir, and no sir and do not elaborate. Having been in the Army, I understood this. Dennis, however, did not.

Anxiety attacks

I was having one earlier but it seems a glass or two of wine has managed to make it go away.

I am often amazed at the difference certain drugs can make when it comes to mood or behavior. I am on antidepressants. Not taking them is a very bad thing. I cry all the time and get suicidal.

My son is on ADD medicine. Him not taking it is a very bad thing.

Alcohol is a drug I know. I know it is addictive. But then so is chocolate and so are many other things. Are we all addicted to water?

I don't think I have an addictive personality. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 17. I smoked off and on for the next 20 or so years. I haven't smoked one now in a while and even though every once in a while I want one. I don't 99% of the time.

I drink off and on. I think I drink more now because of the other antidepressants I take. It is interesting. I can not drink wine just fine. But, I don't sleep then. I can go for days and days without sleep, if I don't drink or take a sleeping pill, if I take my prescribed dosage of the antidepressants. I can't live without sleep. I have tried. After a few days, I get sloppy and start making mistakes and lose my short term memory to some extent. If I do drink wine, I sleep fine and can wake up on time in the morning with no apparent after effects.

I feel guilty for drinking the wine. I don't drink and drive. I don't drink much when my son can see me. I don't let it interfere with my work or anyother aspect of my life.

I can live without the current antidepressant that makes me stay awake for weeks at a time but I do get very very depressed and then sleep ALL THE TIME. Without it, I sleep probably 36 hours out of a 48 hour weekend. I am sure there is a drug that they can give me that will make me sleep while I take the Wellbutrin. But, will it be cheaper and more effective than the wine? Will it have less side effects? I don't know. I just know that injesting chemicals has become a way of life. I quit taking them all at one point and was so depressed that I almost couldn't go on. Now, I manage quite well. Most days that is.

Going back to work

I am dreading going back to work tomorrow. I get to work from home so it shouldn't be too bad but I am physically ill just thinking about it.

I love my job. I am not thrilled with all of my coworkers. Most are good people. Some are more competitent than others.

I am just really dreading it. I know I do a good job. I know they need me. All of a sudden though, I feel like maybe I will be laid off.

I am a single mom and the idea just panics me. I don't get any child support and probably never will. It is just me and if I don't bring it home, no one will. If I get in a bad way, my parents will bail me out but that makes me sick too.

Maybe it is after holiday blues or just too much thinking about the past or maybe it is just guilt over feeling so frustrated and helpless to fix bad situations. I don't know. I just know right now, I really feel bad.

BlackHawk Down

If you are from a military family or have any interest in military films, get this one and watch it NOW. It has to be one of the best ever made. I know the some of the guys that were on the ground that day. It is an honest depiction of what happened. Eric Bana, William Fitchner, and Josh Hartnett are outstanding as is Tom Sizemore and Ewan McGregor and Orlando Bloom. Jason Issacs is wonderful too. See the film please.

Oh Yeah!

I got a copy of the Soundtrack from "Jesus Christ Superstar" in the office gift exchange. I am listening to it again now. I only have my CD player on my computer so the sound isn't great. It isn't quite like I remember my album I had when I was a teenager. I wonder if I have a different version or if I just remember it differently.

Christmas Presents

I have wonderful parents and wonderful neighbors.

My parents got me 2 sets of sheets. I really needed them. They also got me a gift card for IHOP. That is Noah's favorite restaurant. In that, he is like my other sons and my father. They are all breakfast lovers. It is funny. The whole time I was growing up we usually didn't eat much breakfast. Then, my sons ended up being egg and pancake hounds. I make good eggs and pancakes but it is hard to make pancakes just for Noah. I used to eat them a lot after running but these days I would just be too fat. They also sent me a 5 lb can of mixed nuts. I will make brownies shortly. I love mixed nuts in brownies.

My parents got Noah Hot Wheels slot cars and a Bionicle to put together.

My most wonderful neighbors got me a jack for my car. Not a cheap one either but a really good one. They also got me a Harry Potter DVD trivia game, gift certificates to Cinemark, Barnes and Nobles, and McDonalds.

They got Noah 2 pairs of jeans that actually fit him along with 2 shirts. They also got him 2 video games. They spent way to much but I am very grateful. I am really one of the most loved people on this earth.

TMI 24 The Hearing

We got to the Courthouse and met with Dennis's attorney's. The had the agreement and we went over the terms of the probation. They were for Wise County. The attorney's said that he would be supervised out of Wise County even though we lived in Tarrant County since that is where the offense had occurred. There were a long list of terms. No going to places where children would be expected to be present like McDonald's or Hurricane Harbor. No contact with children under the age of 18 without a court approve chaperone. No drinking or illegal drugs. Attendance and completion of a Sex Offender Treatment Program.

Dennis read the terms and almost stormed out. I managed to calm him down and he agreed to go thru with it but he was seething.

By this time, I was clearly pregnant and there were some concerned glances. There was a discussion as to whether Dennis could continue to live with me until I completed the chaperone certification. After much discussion with attorneys, judges, Assistant DA's and Probation Officials, it was determined that he could continue to live with me but that I had to get my certification as soon as possible.

We had an appointment to meet with Dennis's new probation officer in 2 weeks in Wise County.

After the hearing, we met again with Dennis's attorneys. The husband and wife team were also expecting a baby. I think maybe a few weeks before or after we were expecting ours. The wife and I got along after the first couple of meetings. She and I talked that day. She said that she didn't think Dennis was going to have an easy probation. He was just too angry and defiant. Boy no one ever spoke truer words.

The day had been incredibly stressful. We went home and Dennis took some sedatives and sleeping pills and went to sleep. I was just a puddle. I couldn't sleep. It was finally going to be over.

TMI 23 The Day of the Hearing

It happened in February I think. Dennis was drinking all the time when he wasn't at work. I was managing Dennis. Getting him to work on time. Paying all the bills, managing the money. Dennis was getting increasingly nasty with my 13 year old son and his friends. They didn't come to blows but I worried about it constantly. My son was mad as hell at me for keeping Dennis around. He was tired of him being drunk. He was tired of him making me cry. I was scared to death they would come to blows while I was at work. My son had a friend that was a constant companion and I felt like the two of them could pretty much manage the situation and if necessary just go to the friends house if Dennis got out of hand.

Physically, I was flagging. I was trying to eat right and take care of myself but phyiscally having to manage Dennis was getting to be more than I could handle. The morning of the hearing where Dennis signed the papers agreeing to the plea agreement, I made him take an Antabuse. At least I would get thru the hearing without having to go home and have him in a drunken rage.

TMI 22 Stuff I need to fill it but don't know where else to put

Even though all this stuff was going on with Dennis, I couldn't tell anyone at work. No one knew he was under indictment. No one knew he was still married to someone besides me. No one knew anything was anything other than blissful. Keeping up appearances was tough. The company we worked for made DRAM and the Koreans were flooding the market. Things were getting tight and money was being carefully watched.

Dennis was a lead and thought to be the best in his field in Texas. When it came to repairing high tech lasers and electronic equipment he was a whiz. Don't ask him to change the wipers on the car windshield though. For some reason when it came to low tech work he was all thumbs. Or, maybe it was because he was drunk when he was doing it. The only times I saw him sober anymore were at work. He wasn't a quiet drunk or a crying drunk, he was a talking on the phone for hours long distance to anyone that would listen drunk and a destructive drunk. He didn't hesitate to drink and drive or just stumble around and break things.

TMI 21 Into the Breach

Dennis and I had the most serious fights we had had to date at that point. I made it excruciatingly clear to him that if he did not accept the plea agreement he would be going on without me. I was not willing to risk losing him to prison and raising a son on my own. We fought for a month. Finally, he relented shortly before Christmas. I was relieved. It would soon be all over. Or so I thought.

In the meantime, I took the other wife and kids shopping for Christmas and also bought them presents (including the other wife). I got them a computer. I felt like she needed to be computer literate if she was ever going to get a real job and I wanted the kids exposed to it. I also gave them furniture, a dresser and a desk and some other stuff.

She found out that Dennis had accepted the plea agreement and was somewhat grateful the daughter would not have to testify.

In the meantime, the son by the first wife came home on leave and spent some time at my house. He had the girlfriend with him. She cried when we took him back to the airport. I understood.

Dennis and I went to see Robert Earl Keen at John T. Flores Country Store down in Helotes, TX. My friend from California came and my very best and oldest friend from the Army went with us. I was enjoying the concert when Dennis came and sat down beside me with a beer in his hand. I was again speechless. My friends knew the details and gave us a wide berth so I could unload on him. I did but figure it was a one time slip up. I was seriously mistaken.

TMI 20

It was November now and I finally had the amniocentesis and ultrasound. Due to my age and my previous miscarriage the doctors wanted to be sure everything was fine and that we weren't having a Downs baby. At that point, it wouldn't have mattered to me. It was my baby and I already loved it so much. The ultrasound told us it was a boy. It also told us there were some abnormalities with his head. They thought it would resolve itself but wanted to do another ultrasound in a 2 months to see what was happening. Lovely, I had one more thing to worry about now.

Now we had built a pretty good defense for Dennis. He was sober and had been for 2 months or so. It looked like we were going to trial but we were now on what appeared to be even ground. Additionally, the other wife had told CPS or someone in a statement that part of the reason she came forward was that she felt she would get a better divorce settlement. She did it on an official statement.

One day in late November/early December, we had a meeting with Dennis's attorneys. They idicated that they had a plea agreement offer. The deal was that Dennis would plead no contest in exchange for Deferred Adjudication. The Deferred Adjudication involved accepting 5 years probation without having to register as a sex offender and at the end of the 5 years as long as there were no problems complying with the probation there would be no record.

I was elated. It seemed like things were going to be okay. It was short lived though. Dennis refused to accept the plea agreement. He wanted his day in court. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.

What I want under my tree for Christmas

TMI 19 Other details

I was actually Dennis's third wife. His first wive divorced him when their son was very small. Dennis had a drug problem (I didn't find this out until after Dennis was in prison) I met that wife also. She was a sweet Texas country girl. She was the type that didn't seem very bright but that was deceptive. She was wicked smart and had a heart of gold. Her son was 18 by the time I met him. He was a Senior in High School and had decided to join the Marines. His girlfriend was studying to be a teacher. She was also quite sweet. Much more polished than Dennis's 1st ex. I genuinely liked them both for what and who they were.

Dennis's son was a good kid. It used to piss him off that I would call him a kid but he was to me. He was and is very bright and hard working. His life hadn't been easy and it made him strong. I didn't always see that in the beginning but I developed a very strong respect for him.

The son graduated and left for the Marines. He was very protective of his father. Everyone was. We didn't really understand how Dennis had managed to get himself into this mess but we all felt he was the victim.

I didn't think Dennis's daughter had lied. I didn't think she had commented to any one in any way. I didn't think the other wife had lied either. I just thought she was totally bananas. She really did want to move to Israel and help rebuild the temple for the second coming of Christ. Whenever she was questioned by anyone on how she would support herself and her 4 children if Dennis went to jail, she simply said that God would provide. She had started working cleaning houses for churchmembers mostly I think. She was probably bringing home less than $1k/month. She was getting $2k/month from us as child support. I still had no idea how she was raising 4 kids and supporting herself on that. I don't think I could do it.

TMI 18 A bit of a respite

The second sex offender therapist we met with was a man. We had to drive to Austin to meet with him. I was really scared. The first lady pretty much told Dennis she thought he was guilty. I was beginning to have doubts. After seeing her, I was a basket case. I was mad at Dennis, mad at her and mad at everything. I was also wrung out. Dennis went home and took a sleeping pill. I was pregnant. I didn't have that luxury.

The second therapist was a complete polar opposite from the first one. This guy was kind and smart and funny. He spoke with Dennis and with me extensively and pretty much assured me that Dennis was a victim here. I cried. The relief and the weight of the worry, the pregnancy all of it just washed over me and I cried and cried and cried. It wasn't the loud sobbing kind of crying, it was the soundless wet runny nose running crying. I couldn't stop. All the way back to Dallas I cried.

That night, I think I slept better than I had since before I met Dennis. It finally seemed things would be all right.

The Job Interview

It looks like I didn't get it. I saw the job advertised on Careerbuilder this morning. I am bummed. I really didn't want to work there anyway. I wanted on offer so I could go back to my company for more money. I would have gone though if my company didn't make a counter offer. I know I was a good fit for the job. I think maybe they didn't want to pay as much as I was asking. That is usually the biggest problem these days. Still bums me out to no end. I guess I just keep looking. I really don't want to change jobs but I took a $15K paycut from my last one and I need to get the salary back up there.

TMI 17 Let Loose the Dogs of War

In preparation for the defense, since it looked like we were going to court, we (the lawyers and I more than Dennis I think) decided we needed to find a sex offender therapist that would testify that Dennis was not an offender and did not show the typical behaviors associated with a pedophile. It was October now and I was tired all the time from the pregnancy and generally feeling overwhelmed depressed and miserable. I knew I had to hold it all together though because there was too much at stake.

The first therapist was a woman. She and Dennis mixed like gas and a match. I tried to difuse the situation but Dennis was always looking for a fight. It wasn't helping him.

In the meantime, I had taken the other wife and kids shopping for clothes and toys. I had guilt about how I lived and how they lived and I wanted to bridge the gap. Admittedly, I also wanted to meet the little girl. I never brought up anything that would be painful or inappropriate to her. I more just wanted to see her and assess her and the mother. The mother to me seemed like a total flake. The kids, all the kids, seemed lost. They were good kids but their lives had been turned upside down. They didn't really understand everything that was happening that was clear. They were bright and personable and they broke my heart. I decided then and there, not matter what else happened those kids would not suffer if I could help it.

James Taylor's Greatest Hits

I am listening to it this morning while I work. It is funny how songs bring back memories. I am sitting here feeling all the things I felt as a Senior in High School. Some of it is pleasant but most is bittersweet.

More Beefcake

It is going to be a day where I definitely need lots of beefcake.

Merry Christmas From the Family by Robert Earl Keen Jr.

This song cracks me up. It is my family to the max. I just love it.

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk
At our Christmas party
We were drinkin' champagne punch
And homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him
Til he sang Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins
From his second wife MaryNell
Of course he brought his new wife Kaye
Who talks all about AA
Chain smokin' while the stero plays
Noel, Noel, The first Noel

Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Mix Margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quik-Pak store
We need some ice and an extention cord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rite
A box of tampons and some Marlboro Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Fran and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motorhome in
They blew our christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited on our front lawn
He threw the breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night
Oh Silent Night

Carve the turkey turn the ballgame on
Make Bloody Marys cause we all want one
Send somebody to the Stop 'n Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Dite Sprite
A box of tampons and some Salem Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Feliz Navidad.

TMI 16 Preparation for the Defense

We met with Dennis's attorney who quite honestly was none to pleased with the developments. I can honestly say I wasn't either but in my heart of hearts I wanted to believe and did 99% believe that Dennis was innocent. I researched false memory syndrome. I researched. I researched accusations of molestation in connection with divorce. I researched lawyers that specialize in sex offender cases. I researched sex offenders. I am always one to believe that knowledge is power and I intended to equip myself with as much knowledge as possible.

Self preservation kicked in. I wanted to raise my baby with a father. I wanted Dennis's other children to have a father and provider. I decided the best thing to do was to force him to clean up his act as far as the drinking went so that people would see the problem was the alcohol and that he WAS NOT a incestous pedophile.

Five Things That May Surprise You

I was tagged by Yoda. (I am biting my tongue with all the innuendo I could run with, with that)

1. I was an Army ROTC scholarship student and turned down being a Distinguished Military Graduate because my husband was not eligible. (BOY WAS I STUPID)

2. I am totally uncoordinated except when it comes to swimming, diving and running.

3. I love cheese. All kinds of cheese except Limburger. I tried it in Germany and it almost made me barf.

4. I am loud and obnoxious but people love me because I am honest and hardworking.

5. I can put my leg behind my head.

Bonus: When hit on by a married man, I ALWAYS send them back to their wives with instuctions to see a marriage counselor.

TMI 15

As a result of speaking with Dennis's attorney's we agreed he had a serious alcohol problem that was presenting a serious problem with his defense. I made him make an appointment with a doctor and got them to prescribe Antabuse. I had experience with it in the Army and I knew if you took it and drank, you would be VERY VERY SORRY.

I watched Dennis take it every morning for the first month. He managed to get scripts for Buspar and other "antidepressants". He slept pretty much all the time for the next couple of months. He seemed to be staying sober and I was genuinely encouraged.

Meanwhile, I was preggers and miserable. I was 36 and being preggers at 36 is not like being preggers at 23. I was exhausted all the time. I wasn't barfing but I was sick in other ways. I had horrible nightmares about the end of the world. I didn't drink at all, after all, I was preggers and my baby deserved the best.

TMI 14

So what I was really thinking at this point was that Dennis had a VERY serious alcohol problem. I didn't believe for one minute he had actually molested his daughter but he cleary had a serious alcohol problem Why was I the only one that could see that?


Dennis was making $120K before taxes. After taxes, he was bringing home about $86.4. His attorney was charging $50K. He was paying $24K in child support. His car payment was about $5K annually. Do the math, I was essentially supporting him.

About this time, I felt concerned for his children. He was paying $2k in child support but $2k doesn't go very far to cover the bills when there is no other income and 4 kids and a mother that doesn't work. I called "the other wife" and made arrangements to buy clothes and toys for her kids. I dropped about $4k that trip. There would be 2 more trips like that over the next year. I couldn't live in a nice house (even if I bought it before I ever met Dennis) knowing his kid's, my baby to be's brothers and sister, were doing without. $4k for 4 kids for school clothes and toys really doesn't go very far. I didn't buy designer stuff only the basics. Underwear, jeans, couple of pairs of shoes each, shirts, sox, jackets. I really liked the kids. My heart broke for them.

TMI 13

The shock lasted about a week and then I got mad. I got mad at Dennis and "the other wife" and the DA who indicted him and the system. About the only person I wasn't mad at was the poor daughter.

After carefully considering the facts as I knew them, I decided that:

1. Dennis needed to do damage control as his "other wife" certainly had informed someone of his current bigamy.

2. We (meaning me) needed to do as much research on incest and pedophilia and accusations of molestation in divorce cases.

3. We (again meaning me) had to get a handle on Dennis's drinking before he got himself into real trouble.

4. I needed to play this out to see what would happen. An abortion was out of the question and I had no intention of raising another child by myself. That meant I needed to do everything in my power to resolve this situation in the most positive manner possible.

5. We needed to speak to Dennis's attorneys and disclose the illegal marriage and the subsequent pregnancy. I wanted to see all the evidence against him.

We jointly went to visit the attorney. I of course took an instant dislike. They were costing $50K and what they were telling me was that there was no plea bargain. The SOB of a DA (sorry about that but it was what I was thinking at the time) was taking us (meaning my beloved Dennis) to trial and most likely he would get 30 years. 30 YEARS!!!!! I was not a happy camper. I kicked into protective mother lion mode. It would not be pretty for anyone that got in my way.

Son in Iraq

I just got an email from him. He is doing great. The separation is hard on his marriage. I am not sure it will make it. I hope what ever happens it doesn't hurt him too badly.

TMI 12

I was totally unprepared for any of this. I had to admit that I knew Dennis was hiding something but I hadn't really suspected this. I was thinking maybe he was hiding a DWI or something. I was just stunned. I was not thinking clearly and had no idea how to react.

It took about a week to get enough details from him to start to really get a picture. On the day I really got a feel for everything, I found out I was indeed pregnant. Somehow this wasn't the happy occassion I was expecting. Everything tasted like sawdust and I just wanted to sleep. I couldn't deal with this. I had no idea what I should do. I was truly in shock.

TMI 11

So while I was on the phone, I tried to get as many details out of the "ex" from now on to be known as the "other wife." She wouldn't say much. She did say that she saw him molest his daughter and that she had reported him to CPS and the police. She wouldn't say exactly what she saw. She also indicated that the daughter had not accused him of anything.

I was stunned and physically ill. After a few minutes, I calmed down enough to think coherently. Dennis had been sitting and listening to the entire conversation. He was really really drunk at the time and I figured it would be a good time to really get the truth out of him. I figured he would be more honest drunk.

He said that what happened was that his wife wanted to immigrate to Israel and he refused so she was looking for a reason to divorce him. One evening he was drunk and his daughter who was between 9 and 11 at the time, (I can't honestly remember how old she was for this incident) had been sitting at the computer or something. He said he came up behind her to give her a hug and when he did his hand accidently slipped inside her shirt and his wife saw it and confronted him. She then called someone from her church who told her to call the police and CPS I believe. The next day, he was arrested on Felony Sexual Assault of a Child and he was removed from the home with instructions not to re-enter or try to contact the daughter.

Mmmmmm BEEFCAKE

Today's Earworm

I love this song. I am fired up today and not feeling like working. I listened to this song on the way back from Shreveport this weekend. IT KICKS ASS! The fiddle music blows me away.

Sherry was a waitress, at the only joint in town.
She had a reputation, as a girl who had been around.
On Main street after midnight, a brand new pack of cigs,
A fresh one hanging from her lips, a beer between her legs.
She'd ride down to the river, and meet with all her friends.
The road goes on forever, and the party never ends.

Sonny was a loner, he was older than the rest.
He was goin' in the Navy, but he couldn't pass the test.
So he hung around town, he sold a little pot.
The law caught wind of Sonny, and one day he got caught.
But he was back in business, when they set him free again.
The road goes on forever, and the party never ends.

Sonny's playing eight-ball, in the joint where Sherry works
When some drunken out-of-towner, put his hand up Sherry's skirt.
Sonny took his pool cue, laid the drunk out on the floor.
Stuffed a dollar in her tip jar, walked on out the door.
She's running right behind him, reaching for his hand.
The road goes on forever and the party never ends.

They jumped into his pickup, Sonny jammed it down in gear.
Sonny looked at Sherry, said "Let's get on out of here."
The stars were high above them, the moon was in the east.
The sun was setting on them, when they reached Miami Beach.
They got a hotel by the water, and a quart of Bombay Gin.
The road goes on forever, the party never ends.

They soon ran out of money, but Sonny knew a man,
Who knew some Cuban refugees, who dealt in contraband.
Sonny met the Cubans, at a house just off the route,
With a briefcase full of money, a pistol in his boot.
The cards were on the table, when the law came bustin' in.
The road goes on forever and the party never ends.

The Cubans grabbed the goodies, and Sonny grabbed a jack,
He broke the bathroom window, and climbed on out the back.
Sherry drove the pickup, through the alley on the side,
Where a lawman tackled Sonny, and was reading him his rights.
She stepped out in the alley, with a single shot four-ten
The road goes on forever and the party never ends.

They left the lawman lying, they made their get-away.
Got back to the motel, just before the break of day.
Sonny gave her all the money, and he blew her a little kiss.
"If they ask you how this happened, say I forced you into this."
She watched him as his tail lights, disappeared around the bend.
The road goes on forever, the party never ends.

Well it's main street after midnight, just like it was before,
Twenty-one months later, at the local grocery store.
Sherry buys a paper, and a cold six-pack of beer.
The headlines readin' Sonny is going to the chair.
She pulls back onto mainstreet, in her new Mercedes Benz.
The road goes on forever, and the party never ends!

TMI 10

So, I called Dennis's "ex" wife and introduced myself as his current wife and told her I was calling to find out if she was getting her child support payments on time. (He hadn't been paying her and I made him get current and stay current since he had been with me.)

She replied that I could not possibly be his current wife as he and she were not divorced. Needless to say, I was a bit taken aback. I went on to see what else she had to say and she indicated that Dennis had molested their daughter and he was currently under indictment. He was legally prohitibited from seeing the daughter and she felt he did not need to see his sons.

I got off the phone and was stunned. I was almost beyond the ability to speak.

TMI 9

The end of July early August was not pleasant. Dennis started drinking really heavily again. He worked 12 hour shifts 4 one week then 3 the next. That left him home on days I worked. Invariably, those days he got rip roaring shitfaced drunk. He started even being mean to me during those times.

I was tired all the time. I came home one evening and he had broken some of my glass cookware by heating it too hot on the stove without anything in it and had been mean to my 13 year old son. I was not pleased.

I accused him of being an alcoholic and he swore he would quit drinking for me. I had heard it before and then I ask him if that is why his last wife tossed him out. He said no. I said prove it. Let me call her and ask her. He said okay and got me the number.

TMI 8

It had been a long couple of months. I began to get more concerned about Dennis's drinking. He also started getting mean with my middle son and his friend sometimes.

July finally rolled around and we got married on July 16th. It was the day before Dennis's birthday. He had been hesitant about getting married but I was adamant about being married if we were going to have children. I got pregnant with my son that very evening but I didn't know it at the time.

Life seemed to be pretty good. Dennis had sobered up some these last few weeks and was all in all behaving better but was still very evasive about some things. I had some niggling doubts in the back of my mind but couldn't quite put my finger on what the problem was.

My friend, Janice, from California came to visit. She never liked my other boyfriends but she approved of Dennis. I thought I was finally doing the right thing.

We are back

We stayed at the Isle of Capri Hotel and Casino. It was very nice. Big Jacuzzi tubs in every suite. Would definitely be a must do for a weekend getaway with a lover. I didn't gamble. Just not the gambling type much I guess. It was fun though and I had a really good time. The food was okay but not good and more expensive than it should have been. Next time I wouldn't eat in the hotel.

Shreveport, LA

The neighbors and I are going today. They are seeing Wayne Newton in concert and I am watching the kids for them. It should be fun.

Email

I have an email address. If you want to comment but not in for all to see you can use it sylphishone@yahoo.com

TMI part 6 cont

Dennis was anxious to have a baby and so was I. My last boyfriend was adamantly against children. My biological clock was ticking. I refused to have a baby and not be married. After a month, I found out I was pregnant and we set a wedding date. I was so happy. I thought I had it all.

Dennis was drinking a lot and it began to really worry me. My patience was wearing thin but I was pregnant and so happy about it. I would finally feel like I was not a total failure as a mother. I was going to be able to stay home and care for my baby. I could live with the drinking. I thought.

TMI part 6

Dennis and I got serious quickly. I was broke and he made a ton of money and he was generous and funny and seemed so genuine. He taught Jeff and Joey how to play Mumbly Peg. I didn't like it but it seemed like a male bonding thing. Both Jeff and Joey decided they liked Dennis and joked and were playful with him.

Dennis was evasive about his ex-wife. He told me she was a religious fanatic that wanted to move to Israel and rebuild the temple for the second coming of Christ. He told me he had 4 children with her and that she was not letting him see them. I told him that legally she didn't have that right. He said he didn't want to argue with her.

I felt protective of him. She seemed like she was controlling him and I didn't understand why.

TMI part 5

So, Dennis seemed like a great guy. Some of my friends at work had known him for 20 years. One told me Terry, if you can't make it work with Dennis then it is your fault. He is a good man and he makes plenty of money and is a good provider.

I ask around about Dennis. He seemed like a good guy. I had a niggling feeling that something wasn't quite right but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

I ask my middle son, Joey, and his best friend Jeff that mostly lived with us what they thought of him (both Joey and Jeff were 13 at the time). Both said, "Mom, I think he is a child molester."

One time at band camp...

pilfered from Rae Anne

RULES
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment here on my blog with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished leaving your comment, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you. I think this will be fun for all; like a bowl of Skittles and M&M's mixed; a color and a flavor for everyone!

TMI part 4

In February of 1997, I dated a guy from work. I liked him. He was 37 and had never been married and was making about $100k per year. We dated a few times when he told me he had a girl that his family expected him to marry. It actually worked out well because we were great friends but it never got beyond that. He did suggest that I maybe go out with his friend Dennis.

Dennis was actually sort of his supervisor and was considered to be the best around in his field. I had had quite a bit of contact with Dennis in the past but really didn't know much about him. I did start noticing him and upon a formal introduction from the other guy, I started to get to know him a little better. After a couple of weeks, I invited Dennis to dinner. He showed up dressed in black jeans, a white dress shirt and a black vest. He also wore a gold coin on a gold chain around his neck and it icked me out a little but who am I to judge.

He brought flowers and wine. My initial reaction was that this guy was a little weird and that there was something not quite right about him but I wrote it off as first date jitters. I can remember consciously thinking that he was weird but not really in a bad way and deciding it was something I could live with because all in all he seemed nice and kind and harmless.

Too much information part three

When I met Dennis, I had just broken up with a boyfriend of 3 years.

That boyfriend had told me he wanted to get married just not to me. My self esteem was very low. The boyfriend was not really a kind person by any stretch of the imagination and he was a serious alcoholic that tended to get very angry when he drank beyond a certain point. I was better off without him and I knew it.

I was horribly lonely though and my biological clock was ticking. I was 36 and wanted to have another baby. My older boys were teenagers and not much interested in Mom anymore. I was afraid I would be old and alone. I really really wanted to meet someone kind and non-judgemental that wanted more children. Someone that would let me stay home and care for the children while he brought home the money. I had worked outside the home since my older two boys were babies and I had a lot of guilt about the things that I wasn't able to do for them and give them since I had been a single mother with them for the majority of their lives.

Too much information part two

I met Dennis in 1996. He worked at the same company as me. He was a highly respected employee and highly skilled at what he did. He made over $100K per year. He was quiet and unassuming. He smelled good. He used to wear Drakkar Noir. I used to love that smell. Now, it makes me nauseous.

Too much information part one

In 1998, I met a man that I felt I could love.

He made a huge amount of money and I thought that I could finally have a baby and stay home and care for it like I could not do with my other sons. I was sorely mistaken.

My "marriage" to that man, changed my life in so many ways. I have spent considerable time trying to understand what happened, trying to forgive myself, and trying to forgive the father of my son. I probably still have not achieved that state that I should be in, but the next series of entries will begin to describe what happened and what I went thru and what I still go thru every day.

Edit: Actually, I got the year wrong. I was 1997. My son was born in 1998

Too much information

If you do not plan to read the next few entries in their entirety please don't begin to read them at all. What I have to say needs to be completely understood and not merely skimmed.

Interview

I did well at the second interview. I am waiting on an offer. I want it so I can ask for a counter from my current employer. If I get it I could make $15k more a year than I make right now. Please pray for me.

Illusions by Richard Bach

At one point in the book Don Shimoda wakes up to Celestical Music blaring from Richard Bach's mind. That is what I feel like today.

I have the music from Jesus Christ Superstar blaring again.

Try not to get worried
Try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you
No don't you know

Everything's all right
Everything's fine
And I want you to sleep well tonight
Let the world turn without you tonight
Close your eyes
Close your eyes
And forget all about us tonight.

This time of year

This time of year reminds me of this

He was born in the summer of his twentyseverth year
coming home to a place he'd never been before.
He left yesterday behind him
you might say he was born again
you might say he found a key to ev'ry door.
When he first came to the mountains his life was away
on the road and hangin' by a song.
But the string's already broken and he doesn't really care
it keeps changin' fast and it don't last for long.
But the Colorado Rocky Mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky.
The shadow from the starlight
is softer than a lullaby.
Rocky mountain high in Colorado.
Rocky mountain high in Colorado.
He climbed cathedral mountains
he saw silver clouds below
he saw everything as far as you can see.
And they say
that he got crazy once
and he tried to touch the sun
and he lost a friend but kept his memory.
Now he walks in quiet solitude
the forests and the streams
seeking grace in every step he takes.
His sight has turned inside
himself to try and understand
the serenity of a clear blue mountain lake.
And the Colorado Rocky Mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky.
Talk to God and listen to the casual reply.
Rocky mountain high in Colorado.
Rocky mountain high in Colorado.
Now his life is full of wonder
but his heart still knows some fear
of a simple thing he cannot comprehend.
Why they try to tear the mountains
down to bring in a couple more
more people
more scars upon the land.
And the Colorado Rocky Mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky.
He know he'd be a poorer man
if he never saw an eagle fly.
Rocky mountain high in Colorado.
Rocky mountain high in Colorado.


I attempted suicide in 1987 in January I was 27 years old. For some reason this song has always stuck in my mind. I guess because I was also born in the summer of my 27th year and went home to a place I 'd never been before.

Agghhhh!

I have a mofo of a sinus headache.

I feel like a groupie

Aerosmith is coming to Dallas and I am going come hell or high water!

Job Interview tomorrow afternoon

The second interview for my job I interviewed for last is tomorrow afternoon. I got exactly 1 hour sleep the night before the last one and it looks like that may happen this time too.

Enigmatic

Someone recently told me I was engimatic. I had to look it up. I thought I knew what it meant and I did, I just didn't understand why someone would use that word to describe me. After thinking about it though, I can kind of see what they mean.

2006 is going to be my year

I am debt free except for my house. I have a job interview that may increase my salary by at least $7k/year. This is my year coming. Noah is going to be 8. Not nearly a baby anymore. The future looks bright.

Today is a better day

The tire did have a road handler warranty and I only ended up shelling out $30.

While the tire was being replaced we walked next door to the IHOP my middle son used to work at, to have breakfast while we waited. Chuck Norris was there with his second wife and 5 YES 5 kids under the age of 10. He looked kinda scruffy and I wouldn't have thought it was him except they called the Norris party of 7 and he and the brood and wife stood up. He is only about 5ft 8in and can't weigh more than 150 lbs. He needed a shave and a haircut. The wife on the other hand was a true trophy. How she could have 5 kids that close together and still look like that is beyond me. Maybe if I had that kind of money.....

Massage Therapy

I love massages. I have thought for several years that I might become a licensed massage therapist. I don't really want to work as a massage therapist I think I just want to know the theory behind it and how to do it properly. I think I do pretty well without it but it would be nice to verify that. It costs quite a bit to just know that though.

Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed

I had a long long day. I got up early this morning because I had to stop on the way to work to get a "Crazy Hat" because it was "Crazy Hat Day" at work. So, I ended up getting out of the house later than usual of course. I get to Walmart, find a hat and get into work. I am there 5 minutes and the boss starts calling from Mexico. He is there supervising something or other and needs my help. I worked all day from home yesterday when everyone else was off due to snow so I am kinda pissed but doing okay. He calls a teleconference for 11:00. Of course we don't get the info for the teleconference until that morning and we are behind from being off and have 6 hours of work on the data we got before was can give him answers. He insists on the 11:00 call. In the meantime, I can't do anything with the data until the admin finishes her part so I sit around reading slash and twiddling my thumbs and in between try to catch up on stuff I couldn't do because no one else worked yesterday.

I also decided to go see The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe at the 5:10 showing at the cheap theater. I figure I will have to slide out of work by 3:00 but that shouldn't be a probelm since I worked yesterday when no one else did and the teleconference should be well over by then. I get tickets over the internet and enlist the neighbor to go with me.

I get busy. 11:00 rolls around and we get on the call and find out that no one is ready and we put it off til 2:00 I am okay with that because I can still make it out by 3:00. At 1:30 the lady in Mexico insists we push the call out to 2:15 so she can dash out for lunch. I am feeling my afternoon go into the toilet. I get the report from out Admin at about 1:45 and start to process the data and take the necessary actions. 2:15 pops up and I get on the call. The call DRAGS ON FOREVER. I text message the neighbor, give her the ticket confirmation number and tell her I will meet her at the theater. I get off the stupid call around 3:30 and shutdown and lock up as quick as I can.

Traffic sucks the entire way and I make it to the theater around 4:50. I get popcorn and etc and get sat down. The movie is good but not great and my son acts like he didn't take any ADD medicine thru the whole thing and is generally disruptive and annoying. Movie ends and I head home. I am one exit away from home on the Interstate and I change lanes to be able to take the exit and just as I am doing it I blow the right front tire. I have to drive to the next exit and manage to pull into a Chili's parking lot. I again call the neighbor and she enlists the husband to help. The both come to the rescue and save me. My tires are less than 6 months old. I did not get the road handler warranty. Merry Christmas.

SNOW DAY!

We got a snow day today with very little snow. The office closed at 2:30. We are supposed to get 2 inches. We already got a good half inch of sleet. I am reading slash fiction and drinking Irish Cream flavored hot tea. I would rather have real Bailey's in Coffee but this will have to do. I also have a major sinus headache from the weather change.

Hair Stuff

I gave myself bangs last night. I usually hate bangs because they get in my eyes when I run and I can't keep them out of my face. I left them pretty long so I can at least pin them back easily.

I wish I could find someone that would cut my hair the way I want it cut. I don't like the new styles that are suited to the young girls with belly button rings. I want a mature persons hair cut.

Current Earworm

For some strange reason, the current earworm is "In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be."

Not sure what brought that one on.

I remember reading "Illusions" by Richard Bach. At one point in there, the guy wakes up and shouts to the other guy to turn off the Celestial music in his head because it is blasting. Not sure what brought that memory up either.

I have been thinking a lot recently about visualizing things and making them happen. It is probably just me going the rest of the way crazy. But there is a real part of me that believes that if the human mind can conceive something it is just a matter of time before someone can make it a reality. I look at old movies and TV shows and there I get my proof. The old "Get Smart" shoe phone, the ear set on Lt. O'houra on Star Trek. Space flight, computer chips, the internet. It all was in books or movies before and someone figured out how to make it real.

Ugh!

Everything I write seem so trite. No one I really know reads this journal and I try to really put my honest feelings into it. I go back and read it and I seemed to have missed completely.

Obssessive

I tend to obssess over things. I get obsessed with certain video games. I get obsessed with certain books and movies. It passes fairly quickly. I think it may be due to being just plained bored. My life is full but dull. I could liven it up but the cost would ultimately be too great at this point. I will stick with my fantasies and obsessions.

Arrogance

I think one of my faults is arrogance. I tend to think I am smarter and stronger than most people. However, when I try to view myself objectively I find that I am smarter and stronger than most people. Not all people mind you but certainly most of the general population.

Minnows update

It appears all of the minnows brought home over Nascar Weekend have survived. They eat goldfish flake but love bloodworms the best. They are growing and several have the blue spot now.

I still have it!

Last evening I took my son roller skating. I didn't skate this time because last time he hung onto my arm the entire time and didn't make much progess in learning to skate.

So, he is slowing making his way around the rink alternating holding on the rail and falling on his butt. As I am watching, him a man skates by with the sexiest eyes I have seen in a long time. He has black hair and blue eyes. For some reason, that combination always gets to me. He is much younger me, probably late 20's, about 6 ft tall and lean with out being skinny. From the way he skates, I think he must work there. He flys by several times and I can't help but watch him because he is by far the best skater there.

After a bit, I notice him kind of helping a little girl my son's age and my son skate around. I am thinking he is working there and is out trying to keep the little kids off the floor so the big kids don't run over them. He seems to alternately help my son and the little girl.

After a while, my son gets thirsty and comes over for a drink. He goes back to skating and I go back to watching. The guy is really good and so graceful on the skates. I sit and keep watching my son and the guy and the little girl until finally my son comes off the rink and is ready to go home. The guy follows him off and stops to tell me about how my son was so sweet by helping his daughter get up and was worried about her everytime she fell. The he sat down and flirted with me a little. I WAS SPEECHLESS. Here is this young guy who is totally beautiful trying to chat me up. On top of all of that, he was nice to my kid! What an ego boost. It is back to the diet and exericse machine for me.

Ear Worm

My earworm for the last week has been different songs from "Jesus Christ Superstar" Now, you might think it is because I heard it on the radio or something but I didn't. My car radio is broke and I don't have a stereo in my house. I think that this is music that my subconscious uses to try to soothe my aching heart. It is soothing. The music is some of the most beautiful I can think of.

Depression

Being depressed is kinda like throwing up. It happens to all of us at some time or another but it isn't something you want anyone else to watch.

It would be nice though if I had someone for once to hold my hair while I did it.

It is 2:30 AM and I have a job interview in the morning.

I haven't slept any tonight and was up from 12-2:30 last night and then up again at 5. I am not the least bit sleepy or even tired but I am sure it will hit me around 7 AM when I will be needing to get my son up and out of the house.

I really need this new job. It will be at least a 7K per year increase and maybe more than that. It is still only about half way to what I was making but it is a helluva site better than where I am right now.

I broke my promise to myself

I promised myself that I would finally put the only man I ever really loved behind me once and for all. Maybe I have. Maybe I haven't. He is still strongly in my thoughts these days. Who knew I would spend so much of my life thinking about him. I bet he didn't. I also am pretty sure he spends as much time thinking of me whether he wants to or not.

There is a guy at work that is a West Point Graduate. The love of my life graduated the year before he did. The guy at work because he went to West Point, is a constant reminder to me of the love of my life. They are totally unalike but their experiences are similiar.

This weekend is the Army Navy Game. I can't go because it is in PA. I would love to though. I have decided to go to the Army/Baylor Game next year since it will be played here. I don't want to see the man I loved for so long. He has moved on and has a happy life I don't want to interfere with. After all, I love him enough to let him go. I do still think of him though. Particularly when I am feeling alone and sad and like I need someone to be strong for me. I do however very much want to see Army play. They are not a good team but that isn't really what is is about.

I REALLY have to start running again

I was walking through Walmart this evening and saw a very attractive man wearing a "Dad's Day Run" T'shirt.

A Spark

I am often shocked to remember (yes remember) the kind of physical and emotional pain people can live through.

When I couldn't think of any more reasons to live, I found the best.

Curiosity.

More things I need to do

I really need to run to Walmart and get pet food, more laundry detergent and a new float valve for the toilet in the Master Bedroom. I have been having to manually lift it up high enough to stop it from running everytime for over a week now. I hate plumbing. I really hate paying someone to do plumbing more though so I am going to do it myself.

Update

Oven is cleaned

Laundry almost done and all folded or hung up. Still need to iron.

Drank almost an entire pot of Rose Tea sweetened with Honey

Made 7 year old get entire reading requirement completed

Stuffed myself on French Onion Dip and Chips

Ran the Dishwasher.

Spent considerable time feeling sorry for myself and the state of my life while at the same time feeling horribly guilty for doing it.

I need to mow.

Google "Terry Needs"

Boy is it depressing. Most of the stuff involves Terri Shiavo. Not what I was hoping for.

Bleary Eyed Early Morning Thoughts

I love hot tea when I am a bit cold. I hate burning my hands on the mug and my mouth on the tea.

Took my son to see "Sky High" again last night. It didn't get better the second time around.

Occassionally I struggle with the idea of writing a book. I think a lot o people think about it. Truth is, it takes more time and effort than I have or wish to invest in it. I guess that makes me lazy.

My Siamese Cat is about 15 years old. She is grossly overweight and even though I have tried the diet pet foods she doesn't lose much weight. I love her to death but I am losing my patience with her stomping all over me in the middle of the night and incessantly insisting on purring in my ear when I am trying to sleep.

The stupid Minpin puppy is really quite sweet. The sweetness wears off about the third time she insists on getting in our out of the covers at 3 AM

I have a lot to do today. I need to clean my oven (I have one of the old non-self cleaning kinds and the holiday baking left a mess)

I need to finish laundry and get this house cleaned up.

My 7 year old needs to read another 60 minutes to meet his reading requirment for the week. I may make him get back into "The Magician's Nephew" he did better on the other Chronicles of Narnia book than he has anything else.

I need to work out.

I need to focus on work for several hours and knock out everything I didn't get done on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday that I should have.

All I want to do it sit down and read though. I bet I end up reading between tasks and only getting about half what I need to get done actually done.

I probably spend too much time thinking

But, I have after a thought decided that I really don't even have time to date. I would love to have someone around. Someone comfortable and passionate, but when I really assess the situation I just can't right now. I have a house that needs more care than it gets. I have a son that gets enough care but deserves more. I have a job that takes more time than it pays me for. I have no time for myself. How could I have time for someone else? I keep thinking that some day it will all change. Someday I will have time to develop a good healthy warm comfortable passionate relationship but somehow the time never comes. I would love to slow down my life but have no clue how to really accomplish that.

The Day After

Seems like no matter what there is always a day after. Day after Christmas, Day after Thanksgiving, Day after Divorce.

Day afters are nice. Stess is gone and you can just get on with your life.

All in All

I think that by nature, I might be a whiner. I can admit that. There are so many things that piss me off or just irritate the hell out of me. But,

All, in all,

I have a good life. I am very lucky and I have a lot to be thankful for.

Happy Feet Dance!

I have a job interview on Wednesday next week. I am excited. I told them the salary I needed and they didn't blink during the phone interview.

I am pumped.

Holiday Blah's

Yesterday I was in a great mood. Today the holiday blah's are beginning to set in. That, or I am bi-polar. (Bi-polar not bi-sexual!)

I don't feel like working. I don't feel like doing much except reading a book or spending time on myself. I want to get my toes done. I want to sleep and snuggle down in the covers witout feeling guilty about something I need to be doing.

I need a change even if it is just for a few days.

I am going to see Harry Potter again this evening. That should perk me up a bit. I love the fantasy and the belief even for a few minutes that magic exists. In my heart I know it does, just not the way everyone thinks.

I could use a little magic today.

Marriage

I have no desire to be married again. Being single is too much fun. I do get lonely though. Just not enough to get married again.

Wine, wine makes me feel fine. When you gonna let me ge sober?

I like wine. I think I like it so much because I am bored though.

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

I find the character of Anakin Skywalker very attractive in this film. He is so much in love with Padme. He is so vulnerable and so let down by the Jedi. It does not excuse his behavior but he is not inherantly evil like Darth Sidious. He is just a pawn. So young and so vulnerable. I really identify.

Goblet of Fire

I saw it last night with my 7 year old. He loved it and wanted to see it again today. We will wait until the crowds thin out a bit. I was excellent.

Just a Thought

If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in theIraq theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.

The rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you areabout 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are inIraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington D.C?

I AM A SLUG

I have not worked out in about a month. Between Dr. visits for my son, who has yet another UTI, and doing extra work I just don't have time.

That excuse sucks but I am sticking to it. Some day I will be free to care for only me until then, I will try to get the house vacuumed and the laundry done and some food cooked occassionally.

Hmmmmm

Two weeks ago, I got an email from my ex-husband (the one that is 56 that moved back in with his mother when I tossed him out for refusing to get a job and allowing his grandson to threaten my son with a knife while I was at work.) He said he had called the bank to close his account and that they told him his name was still on my account. I emailed the bank and they said his name hadn't been on the account for several months. (As I thought)

Today I get an email from his daughter whose son threatened my son with a knife over a game of Nintendo. She is selling insurance now and moved back in with her mother here in Texas. She wants me to sell insurance with her and she wants to "give me" two year old Daschunds that she can't sell and can't keep because she is living with Mom again. Her husband is in prison for selling crack. This is his 3rd trip. Now, I can't begin to imagine why she would think I would even want to speak to her after the knife incident much less work with her. I just can't figure some people out.

I know I am a sucker for a sob story but I am not that big a sucker.

Random things that PISS ME OFF! part 2 (or can you tell I am starting menopause)

1. The toy companies that feel the need to put so many little wire things attaching a toy to the package that the kid can't possibly get the toy of of the packaging by themselves.

2. People that go around looking for a reason to be insulted or offended.

3. All the little newspapers and junk they feel the need to toss in my yard that I do NOT subscribe to.

4. The person that thought it would be a good idea to leave en entire unopened package of 8 SWB yellow pages on my front porch when I don't have a phone in the house (I only have a cell phone) and none on my neighbors porches (am I supposed to distribute these puppies)

5. Any employer that advertises a job without a salary range then acts horribly surprised and disappointed when the interviewee wants more than their upper limit.

6. Drama Queens

7. People that stick their noses into other peoples business when what they are sticking their nose into will not affect THEM in the least.

8. Hotel pillows

9. Apartments

10. Deadbeat parents

Random things that PISS ME OFF!

1. People in cars that play the stereo in their car so loudly that when you are at a stoplight you can't hear your own radio.

2. Houses with rear-entry driveways. What were they thinking? Now everyone parks on the street.

3. All the commericals on Cartoon Network.

4. People that claim to be Christians that have clearly have either not read the Bible or did and did not understand a word much less get the point.

5. Fun Size candy bars. What is so fun about them? You just have to eat 10 instead of 1. Where is the fun in that?

6. People that do things incorrectly because they are lazy and don't care if it takes 3x as long to fix their mess than it would have taken to do it right the first time.

Red Dawn to Black Hawk Down

In 1984, I saw Red Dawn. I was a young Army officer at the time and I swore my sons would know how to defend themselves.

I watched Black Hawk Down again tonight and I realized again how proud I am of my sons.

I was probably not a great Mom. I did produce terrific kids who are American Fighting Men. I could not be prouder.

NASCAR WEEKEND AND MY LITTLE EXPERIMENT

I have absolutely terrific neighbors that pick my son up after school everyday and keep him for me until I get home from work.

As a result, I sometimes babysit their kids when they want to get out to a movie without the kids or something.

This weekend was NASCAR weekend and both of my best neighbors are NASCAR fanatics. I kept one neighbors kids starting at 5AM thru about 8PM. The kids are 7, 4, and about 16 months. I am old. My son is 7 and I was old when I had him. It has been a very long time since I had to take care of a small child. I had no idea they ate so little and moved around so much and so fast.

I was running out of things to do with them and decided that we would go to the creek and catch minnows. I fully expected that it was too late in the year for minnows but figured it would get the kids out of the house and keep them busy for a while. Here is what I learned.

A seven year old boy can catch a very quick minnow with his bare hands in very cold dirty water.

Seven year old boys NEVER get tired of trying to catch minnows with their bare hands in very cold water.

Four year old girls have to pee after standing a short while in very cold water.

There are minnows in the creek in November in Texas.

Taking kids to catch minnows is kinda fun.

Blue Gill minnows don't live long in captivity.

Some other kind of minnow seem to be doing just fine in a clean aquarium with treated tap water and some of their own creek water.

I was wrong

Back in 1978, I first realized that I wanted to commit suicide. I felt like a failure and like I had screwed up my life beyond repair and that the world would be a better place without me. I am sure some of it at the time was teenage angst. Some was probably due to the dysfunctional family I lived in (now I realize most families are dysfunctional some are just more willing to admit they are than others.)

At any rate, I didn't seriously try to kill myself until many years later. I was stationed in Korea. I was an Army officer married to another Army officer and I had two small boys and my marriage was failing apart and I was falling apart. I made some attempts to get help but was mostly greeted with sarcasm and disbelief that I really felt as badly as said I did. That was 1987 and I was 26 years old.

I overdosed on a non-steriodal anti-inflammatory. (Somewhere between Motrin and Indocin, I don't think they make the one I overdosed on anymore) I consciously made the effort to kill my self and genuinely wanted to die. I felt like my children would be better off without me. I took the drugs late in the evening and sometime in the night I had convulsions and fell out of bed. My husband at the time (who was equally young) picked me up and put me back into bed and went back to sleep. I woke up the next morning feeling even more depressed and even more like a failure because I couldn't even kill myself right. I spent the day crying and barfing up what looked to be coffee grounds (I hadn't eaten in over 30 days so there was no food in my system. The coffee grounds looking stuff was partially digested blood where I had pretty much disolved the lining of my stomach )

That evening when I felt physically even worse than I had before, I went into the emergency room in the Army Hospital where I worked. It was a Saturday night and when I walked in most people thought I was there to finish up some work or something. It took me a while to get seen and when I told them that I had overdosed and that I was depressed they pretty much went into overdrive. The doctor they called in to care for me was pissed because I had ruined his Saturday evening. He got there, ask what I had overdosed on, looked in the Physicians Desk Reference for the treatment of overdose on that particular drug. He decided that I need to give them a urine sample. I did but it was probably less than an ounce. At that point, the doctor came in and told me that I was probably going to die before morning because I was in renal failure and that if I did live, I would have to be on a kidney machine or get a kidney transplant.

They admitted me to ICU and started me on several IV's to hydrate me and gave me Lasix to get my kidney's started again. Part of me was mad because I was still alive and part of me was mad they didn't just let me die. I didn't mind dying but I sure didn't want to feel that bad physically or emotionally. I recovered well and had no lasting effects on my kidneys from the overdose. I did however spend about 6 months in a military psychiatric hospital. I realized I was not nearly as crazy as most people. I also realized that if you tried to kill yourself and didn't, they took away your clothes, lighters and sharps and all of your freedom. I spent several years in therapy and saw several psychiatrists, social workers, psychologists and etc over the next 15 years. During that time I made some very poor choices for myself. I do always manage to land on my feet though and most people that know me have no clue that I am anything but a strong confident successful adult. ( But then that is what 99% of the people believed all along until I was admitted that night in 1987.

Since that time, I think I have come a long way. I still want to die. I don't think death is terrible. I will never try it again though as long as I have living children and living parents. I learned is that suicide is the MOST selfish thing a person can do. I have known that for years but didn't really understand or believe it fully until this week.

Sometime between 3:30 Wednesday afternoon and 10 AM Thursday morning, a guy (Hao) I used to work with hung himself. His preteen son was the first to find the body. My first reaction was disbelief. I would have thought this gentleman would be the last person in the world to do something like that. My second reaction is grief. He was a truly brilliant, kind man. My third reaction is anger. How could he do that to his family and his son? For the rest of his life, that son will have the picture of his dead father hanging there burned into his brain. The fear and sorrow and helplessness and most importantly, the guilt will always be with that boy. I am not sure there is enough therapy in the world to get you over something like that

I can understand the man's depression and hopelessness. What I can't understand is how he could even for one second think that it would be okay to do to his family. I know that I was willing to do it to mine. At the time, I could only see my own pain. Maybe I have come farther than I thought.

Either way, when I feel really hopeless now and when it seems like the world would be a better place without me, I will remember Hao. Maybe some good has come from his death. Maybe making me watch and feel what his family is going thru will remind me to never go that route. Maybe it will remind someone else too.

Current Earworm

I don't want to work! I want to bang on the drum all day!

Thanksgiving ponderings

Last year the neighbors and I got together with their kinfolk and deep fried about 4 turkeys in peanut oil. That was really good. The problem with that is that you can't stuff the bird. I love stuffing probably more than turkey and it isn't the same if it isn't cooked in the bird. This year another of the neighbors parents bought a house 2 doors down from me so I am expecting big Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations. I think I am going to roast my bird for the contribution though.

I lurves me some broccoli, cheese and rice casserole too. No idea why I am thinking of this since I just stuffed myself on beans and rice. I am a totally piggy.

Child Support

Well, it has been 5 weeks since I got the notice I would get something and I have not gotten a dime. Either he lost the job before they got the garnishment going or he just hasn't worked. Not sure. I sure could use some money though. Last time, I got about $30/week. Not much but it would pay for a trip to the movies or school lunches.

Spicy goodness

I lurves me some Red Beans and Rice. I made a big pot up and stuffed myself on them. Damn they are good. I hope I don't regret it tomorrow.

MY EYES! MY EYES!

Who in their right mind would show up to work on Halloween dressed as a Dominatrix?

Friday

It is Friday morning at 9:30 and I can't wait to get out of this office. The boss will roll in around 2 and want to have meetings to massage his ego and I am just not up to it today. I want to skip out and have fun. The weather is great. The Monarchs are migrating thru my backyard on their trek to Mexico and I want to be anywhere but here. I put in some really long hours this week.

Where is my knight in shining armor to save me from this?

THAT was weird!

I was driving home my usual route this week and was stopped at at stoplight. I look up and on a telephone pole there is a huge nest. I am kinda looking at it and waiting for the light to change and I see about 10 birds all around it. I am looking at them and all of a sudden I notice that they are green. They are about the size of a pigeon but shaped differently. They are a nest of parrots or conures or something. I tried to take a picture but the light changed. It was the weirdest thing. I had no idea parrots could survive this far north. It was really cool to see a flock of parrots or whatever in the Dallas area. Someone must have had a pet escape or something surely. I wish I had gotten a picture. I passed there again last night and found the nest but there was no sign of the birds.

Edit: I saw them again on Friday on the way home so I am not nuts.

The Weather

It has cooled off here finally and I am so glad. My electric bill last month was nearly $400 and I can't afford another one like that anytime soon. Most of my flowers are gone now and I need to get out and clean the gutters and do yardwork it has been too hot to do.

Foul Mood

I am generally in a pretty poor mood these days. I have had a sinus headache now for the better part of 2 weeks. It gets better a bit then gets worse. I think the mood is a direct result of the headache.

Strattera

It was a swing and a miss. He barfed at school today and didn't eat at school yesterday. The doctor took him off it. The Concerta is down to 18mg but my son said his heart was skipping beats today at school.

The urologist has me irriated. I am also convinced that the Concerta is causing the UTI's but the urologist says no. He also wouldn't call in the script for antibiotics prior to the VCUG tomorrow. He left it to the cardiologist to take care of. The whole thing has me so pissed off and broke.

Go Figure

On the whole, I think I am a pretty good person. I am pretty smart and generally try to be kind and thoughtful towards others. I am professionally successful and am at least moderately attractive. Most days though, I feel like a total failure. I have tried to figure this out over the years. I know I have a lot going for me and to many people I seem very strong and resilient. Honestly, I think I am strong and resilient. However, that doesn't mean I don't feel like a failure.

For the most part, I am happy with my life. There isn't too much I would change. I am single again and pretty happy that way. I don't see ever getting married again. I just don't want to have to work that hard at a relationship. I don't want to have to compromise and I don't want to have to put up with all the stuff I had to put up with when I was married.

I love my sons. I don't have much contact with the older ones but I think honestly that is fairly normal.

I genuinely love my job. I love the work I do and I know I am excellent at it. I need to make more money but I think that will happen before too terribly long.

I think maybe I am just tired. I am tired of struggling and tired of never quite feeling like I am where I need to be. I am tired of being so broke and so exhausted that I can't do the things with my child that I feel like I should. I am tired of being so lonely even if I don't want to be married. I am tired of never having a really clean house because I genuinely don't have time to get everything done. I would love to have really clean baseboards and windows.

I hate when that happens

I have a cut on the corner of my mouth that I keep ripping open. It started out as a pimple or something and just kept tearing. I thought maybe it was a cold sore but I took cold sore medicine and it didn't make a difference. It starts to heal and I brush my teeth and rip it open. I take a bit of something and rip it open. I forget and yawn and rip it open. It isn't big. It is just like a paper cut in the corner of my mouth. It is driving me nuts.

Movie Review

Batman Begins - Probably the best of all the Batman movies so far.

Napolean Dynamite - I just don't get it. I haven't made it all they way thru but what I have seen so far is just a movie about a bunch of dorks.

Pretty Woman - I saw it for the first time last night. I found it horribly depressing. There are no knights on white horses even if we all dream there are.

I am anxious to see Chicken Little, Goblet of Fire, Jarhead, Your's Mine and Our's, and The Chronicles of Narnia.

Happy Birthday?

Why don't I have parties like this

Uh Oh!

I take Wellbutrin. I am supposed to take 150mg twice a day. Once in the morning and once in the late afternoon. I kept forgetting to take the one in the afternoon and it would keep me up at night so I start taking both doses together in the morning. It seemed to work well.

About a month ago, I took my son to the Dr for his annual follow up on his ADD meds. While we were there, the Dr. found an irregular heartbeat and a clicking noise in his heart. He did an EKG, took one look at it and referred us to a pediatric cardiologist. Of course, this panicked me. I went thru 2 weeks of misery worrying about my son. I would listen to his chest while he was sleeping to see if I could hear the irregularity and I could and that just make me more worried and paranoic. I started researching what could be causing this because 2 years ago when he had surgery on his arm he was fine. The only thing that had really changed was the additon of the ADD medicine. So, I read the Patient info and it said it could cause the irregular heartbeat. I called the Dr. and we agreed to stop the ADD meds until we saw the cardiologist. We get to the cardiologist and of course the EKG is normal. (Thank God!) The cardiologist does find a congential heart defect but it isn't serious at least right now. But, having gone thru that with my son, I started being more sensitive to my own heartbeat. I noticed that my own heart had been skipping beats and I felt a mild tightness in my chest.

Well, what does this have to do with me taking the Wellbutrin? It seems that you are supposed to take only 150mg at a time or it can cause seisures or irregular heartbeat.

I am sitting here right now kinda feeling like I am on speed or something (or at least what I think speed feels like because I don't really know) Needless to say. I am not taking both at the same time anymore. Boy am I DUMB.

Napoleon Dynamite

I rented it with my free monthly Blockbuster Coupon I get with my online thingy. I want to see if it is worth the hype. I suspect not. I will review tomorrow after I have seen it.

Favorite Daylily

I can't remember the name of this one but I think it is my favorite. But if you ask me tomorrow I will have a different favorite.

Plants

I am dividing my irises and daylilies this weekend. If you would like some, send me an email and I will send you some. I have a huge variety but I can't promise certain colors or specific plants at this point. I have some really nice ones. I can guarantee the lavendar iris that smell like grape jelly if you would like some of those. I have those planted separately.

Both of these daylilies are pictures I took in my yard.

ADD update

We are switching from Concerta to Strattera. We saw the doctor on Thursday and he felt the Strattera might be a better alternative in view of the episode with the irregular heartbeat. The Strattera works a little differently and you have to have a theraputic blood level where as the Concerta's effects are immediate. We cut the dose to 18mg of Concerta til the blood level is high enough for the Strattera to be effective. It may not work on my son though. We are still doing the Holter Monitor starting on Nov 1 to see how the Concerta affects him. I am positive it is what was causing the irregular heartbeat and possibly several other problems.

I love the cardiologist. He listens and hears me out and considers what I have to say even if he doesn't agree. The urologist on the other hand just blows me off. It may be time for a new urologist.

Joke of the day

What do you get when you send Joey Buttafuco to Harvard?





Teddy Kennedy!

Amy Fisher

Not sure what made me think of her this evening. I followed her trial at the time with a morbid fascination. I think despite of everything she did and went thru, she turned out to be a pretty decent human being. I think Joey Buttafuco should have done a lot more hard time than he did.
She certainly wasn't innocent but I do think she was a kid that was horribly used and misled. I am not excusing her but I think Buttafuco is scum.

It is hard to be a woman that makes a large salary

I have made more money than most of the men I have had a relationship with. There were a few that made more than me but they did not have as much education and were basically highly skilled laborers. I think that most men are intimidated by a woman that can support herself. Some are attracted to the money. I have several successful women friends and we all have the same problems with men. I think deep down inside most successful men want their women to need them financially and be dependent. The only place I didn't feel that way so much was when I was on active duty in the Army and I think even there, the men want wives that they are not threatened by. I don't mean physically threatened I mean they want women that make them feel like they are big and strong and the smartest. I think it is the rare man that wants a wife that is an equal. It is a shame there are a lot of great women out there and honestly the men are settling for something less.

Not Politically Correct But.....

I still think it is funny

Bridges of Madison County

I dated a man for many years off and on. I have to honestly say I loved him (and still do) best of all. He once came to see me and told me he had read The Bridges of Madison County and just had to see me. I hadn't seen him in over 4 years at the time. I miss him and will always hold a special place in my heart for him. I don't think it would have worked. We just came from very different backgrounds. I sure did love him though. Maybe more because it never quite worked.

Crossing Jordan

I love that show. I like it better in the more recent ones where she dated Woody. They should get married. I don't see it in the cards right now since he went nuts. Happens to the best of us.

ADD medicine

I put my son back on ADD meds. He was having too many problems in school. I don't like it but don't see an alternative. We are going to do the heart monitor for 24 hours in 2 weeks. Update then.