It is 2:30 AM and I have a job interview in the morning.

I haven't slept any tonight and was up from 12-2:30 last night and then up again at 5. I am not the least bit sleepy or even tired but I am sure it will hit me around 7 AM when I will be needing to get my son up and out of the house.

I really need this new job. It will be at least a 7K per year increase and maybe more than that. It is still only about half way to what I was making but it is a helluva site better than where I am right now.

I broke my promise to myself

I promised myself that I would finally put the only man I ever really loved behind me once and for all. Maybe I have. Maybe I haven't. He is still strongly in my thoughts these days. Who knew I would spend so much of my life thinking about him. I bet he didn't. I also am pretty sure he spends as much time thinking of me whether he wants to or not.

There is a guy at work that is a West Point Graduate. The love of my life graduated the year before he did. The guy at work because he went to West Point, is a constant reminder to me of the love of my life. They are totally unalike but their experiences are similiar.

This weekend is the Army Navy Game. I can't go because it is in PA. I would love to though. I have decided to go to the Army/Baylor Game next year since it will be played here. I don't want to see the man I loved for so long. He has moved on and has a happy life I don't want to interfere with. After all, I love him enough to let him go. I do still think of him though. Particularly when I am feeling alone and sad and like I need someone to be strong for me. I do however very much want to see Army play. They are not a good team but that isn't really what is is about.

I REALLY have to start running again

I was walking through Walmart this evening and saw a very attractive man wearing a "Dad's Day Run" T'shirt.

A Spark

I am often shocked to remember (yes remember) the kind of physical and emotional pain people can live through.

When I couldn't think of any more reasons to live, I found the best.

Curiosity.

More things I need to do

I really need to run to Walmart and get pet food, more laundry detergent and a new float valve for the toilet in the Master Bedroom. I have been having to manually lift it up high enough to stop it from running everytime for over a week now. I hate plumbing. I really hate paying someone to do plumbing more though so I am going to do it myself.

Update

Oven is cleaned

Laundry almost done and all folded or hung up. Still need to iron.

Drank almost an entire pot of Rose Tea sweetened with Honey

Made 7 year old get entire reading requirement completed

Stuffed myself on French Onion Dip and Chips

Ran the Dishwasher.

Spent considerable time feeling sorry for myself and the state of my life while at the same time feeling horribly guilty for doing it.

I need to mow.

Google "Terry Needs"

Boy is it depressing. Most of the stuff involves Terri Shiavo. Not what I was hoping for.

Bleary Eyed Early Morning Thoughts

I love hot tea when I am a bit cold. I hate burning my hands on the mug and my mouth on the tea.

Took my son to see "Sky High" again last night. It didn't get better the second time around.

Occassionally I struggle with the idea of writing a book. I think a lot o people think about it. Truth is, it takes more time and effort than I have or wish to invest in it. I guess that makes me lazy.

My Siamese Cat is about 15 years old. She is grossly overweight and even though I have tried the diet pet foods she doesn't lose much weight. I love her to death but I am losing my patience with her stomping all over me in the middle of the night and incessantly insisting on purring in my ear when I am trying to sleep.

The stupid Minpin puppy is really quite sweet. The sweetness wears off about the third time she insists on getting in our out of the covers at 3 AM

I have a lot to do today. I need to clean my oven (I have one of the old non-self cleaning kinds and the holiday baking left a mess)

I need to finish laundry and get this house cleaned up.

My 7 year old needs to read another 60 minutes to meet his reading requirment for the week. I may make him get back into "The Magician's Nephew" he did better on the other Chronicles of Narnia book than he has anything else.

I need to work out.

I need to focus on work for several hours and knock out everything I didn't get done on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday that I should have.

All I want to do it sit down and read though. I bet I end up reading between tasks and only getting about half what I need to get done actually done.

I probably spend too much time thinking

But, I have after a thought decided that I really don't even have time to date. I would love to have someone around. Someone comfortable and passionate, but when I really assess the situation I just can't right now. I have a house that needs more care than it gets. I have a son that gets enough care but deserves more. I have a job that takes more time than it pays me for. I have no time for myself. How could I have time for someone else? I keep thinking that some day it will all change. Someday I will have time to develop a good healthy warm comfortable passionate relationship but somehow the time never comes. I would love to slow down my life but have no clue how to really accomplish that.

The Day After

Seems like no matter what there is always a day after. Day after Christmas, Day after Thanksgiving, Day after Divorce.

Day afters are nice. Stess is gone and you can just get on with your life.

All in All

I think that by nature, I might be a whiner. I can admit that. There are so many things that piss me off or just irritate the hell out of me. But,

All, in all,

I have a good life. I am very lucky and I have a lot to be thankful for.

Happy Feet Dance!

I have a job interview on Wednesday next week. I am excited. I told them the salary I needed and they didn't blink during the phone interview.

I am pumped.

Holiday Blah's

Yesterday I was in a great mood. Today the holiday blah's are beginning to set in. That, or I am bi-polar. (Bi-polar not bi-sexual!)

I don't feel like working. I don't feel like doing much except reading a book or spending time on myself. I want to get my toes done. I want to sleep and snuggle down in the covers witout feeling guilty about something I need to be doing.

I need a change even if it is just for a few days.

I am going to see Harry Potter again this evening. That should perk me up a bit. I love the fantasy and the belief even for a few minutes that magic exists. In my heart I know it does, just not the way everyone thinks.

I could use a little magic today.

Marriage

I have no desire to be married again. Being single is too much fun. I do get lonely though. Just not enough to get married again.

Wine, wine makes me feel fine. When you gonna let me ge sober?

I like wine. I think I like it so much because I am bored though.

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

I find the character of Anakin Skywalker very attractive in this film. He is so much in love with Padme. He is so vulnerable and so let down by the Jedi. It does not excuse his behavior but he is not inherantly evil like Darth Sidious. He is just a pawn. So young and so vulnerable. I really identify.

Goblet of Fire

I saw it last night with my 7 year old. He loved it and wanted to see it again today. We will wait until the crowds thin out a bit. I was excellent.

Just a Thought

If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in theIraq theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.

The rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you areabout 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are inIraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington D.C?

I AM A SLUG

I have not worked out in about a month. Between Dr. visits for my son, who has yet another UTI, and doing extra work I just don't have time.

That excuse sucks but I am sticking to it. Some day I will be free to care for only me until then, I will try to get the house vacuumed and the laundry done and some food cooked occassionally.

Hmmmmm

Two weeks ago, I got an email from my ex-husband (the one that is 56 that moved back in with his mother when I tossed him out for refusing to get a job and allowing his grandson to threaten my son with a knife while I was at work.) He said he had called the bank to close his account and that they told him his name was still on my account. I emailed the bank and they said his name hadn't been on the account for several months. (As I thought)

Today I get an email from his daughter whose son threatened my son with a knife over a game of Nintendo. She is selling insurance now and moved back in with her mother here in Texas. She wants me to sell insurance with her and she wants to "give me" two year old Daschunds that she can't sell and can't keep because she is living with Mom again. Her husband is in prison for selling crack. This is his 3rd trip. Now, I can't begin to imagine why she would think I would even want to speak to her after the knife incident much less work with her. I just can't figure some people out.

I know I am a sucker for a sob story but I am not that big a sucker.

Random things that PISS ME OFF! part 2 (or can you tell I am starting menopause)

1. The toy companies that feel the need to put so many little wire things attaching a toy to the package that the kid can't possibly get the toy of of the packaging by themselves.

2. People that go around looking for a reason to be insulted or offended.

3. All the little newspapers and junk they feel the need to toss in my yard that I do NOT subscribe to.

4. The person that thought it would be a good idea to leave en entire unopened package of 8 SWB yellow pages on my front porch when I don't have a phone in the house (I only have a cell phone) and none on my neighbors porches (am I supposed to distribute these puppies)

5. Any employer that advertises a job without a salary range then acts horribly surprised and disappointed when the interviewee wants more than their upper limit.

6. Drama Queens

7. People that stick their noses into other peoples business when what they are sticking their nose into will not affect THEM in the least.

8. Hotel pillows

9. Apartments

10. Deadbeat parents

Random things that PISS ME OFF!

1. People in cars that play the stereo in their car so loudly that when you are at a stoplight you can't hear your own radio.

2. Houses with rear-entry driveways. What were they thinking? Now everyone parks on the street.

3. All the commericals on Cartoon Network.

4. People that claim to be Christians that have clearly have either not read the Bible or did and did not understand a word much less get the point.

5. Fun Size candy bars. What is so fun about them? You just have to eat 10 instead of 1. Where is the fun in that?

6. People that do things incorrectly because they are lazy and don't care if it takes 3x as long to fix their mess than it would have taken to do it right the first time.

Red Dawn to Black Hawk Down

In 1984, I saw Red Dawn. I was a young Army officer at the time and I swore my sons would know how to defend themselves.

I watched Black Hawk Down again tonight and I realized again how proud I am of my sons.

I was probably not a great Mom. I did produce terrific kids who are American Fighting Men. I could not be prouder.

NASCAR WEEKEND AND MY LITTLE EXPERIMENT

I have absolutely terrific neighbors that pick my son up after school everyday and keep him for me until I get home from work.

As a result, I sometimes babysit their kids when they want to get out to a movie without the kids or something.

This weekend was NASCAR weekend and both of my best neighbors are NASCAR fanatics. I kept one neighbors kids starting at 5AM thru about 8PM. The kids are 7, 4, and about 16 months. I am old. My son is 7 and I was old when I had him. It has been a very long time since I had to take care of a small child. I had no idea they ate so little and moved around so much and so fast.

I was running out of things to do with them and decided that we would go to the creek and catch minnows. I fully expected that it was too late in the year for minnows but figured it would get the kids out of the house and keep them busy for a while. Here is what I learned.

A seven year old boy can catch a very quick minnow with his bare hands in very cold dirty water.

Seven year old boys NEVER get tired of trying to catch minnows with their bare hands in very cold water.

Four year old girls have to pee after standing a short while in very cold water.

There are minnows in the creek in November in Texas.

Taking kids to catch minnows is kinda fun.

Blue Gill minnows don't live long in captivity.

Some other kind of minnow seem to be doing just fine in a clean aquarium with treated tap water and some of their own creek water.

I was wrong

Back in 1978, I first realized that I wanted to commit suicide. I felt like a failure and like I had screwed up my life beyond repair and that the world would be a better place without me. I am sure some of it at the time was teenage angst. Some was probably due to the dysfunctional family I lived in (now I realize most families are dysfunctional some are just more willing to admit they are than others.)

At any rate, I didn't seriously try to kill myself until many years later. I was stationed in Korea. I was an Army officer married to another Army officer and I had two small boys and my marriage was failing apart and I was falling apart. I made some attempts to get help but was mostly greeted with sarcasm and disbelief that I really felt as badly as said I did. That was 1987 and I was 26 years old.

I overdosed on a non-steriodal anti-inflammatory. (Somewhere between Motrin and Indocin, I don't think they make the one I overdosed on anymore) I consciously made the effort to kill my self and genuinely wanted to die. I felt like my children would be better off without me. I took the drugs late in the evening and sometime in the night I had convulsions and fell out of bed. My husband at the time (who was equally young) picked me up and put me back into bed and went back to sleep. I woke up the next morning feeling even more depressed and even more like a failure because I couldn't even kill myself right. I spent the day crying and barfing up what looked to be coffee grounds (I hadn't eaten in over 30 days so there was no food in my system. The coffee grounds looking stuff was partially digested blood where I had pretty much disolved the lining of my stomach )

That evening when I felt physically even worse than I had before, I went into the emergency room in the Army Hospital where I worked. It was a Saturday night and when I walked in most people thought I was there to finish up some work or something. It took me a while to get seen and when I told them that I had overdosed and that I was depressed they pretty much went into overdrive. The doctor they called in to care for me was pissed because I had ruined his Saturday evening. He got there, ask what I had overdosed on, looked in the Physicians Desk Reference for the treatment of overdose on that particular drug. He decided that I need to give them a urine sample. I did but it was probably less than an ounce. At that point, the doctor came in and told me that I was probably going to die before morning because I was in renal failure and that if I did live, I would have to be on a kidney machine or get a kidney transplant.

They admitted me to ICU and started me on several IV's to hydrate me and gave me Lasix to get my kidney's started again. Part of me was mad because I was still alive and part of me was mad they didn't just let me die. I didn't mind dying but I sure didn't want to feel that bad physically or emotionally. I recovered well and had no lasting effects on my kidneys from the overdose. I did however spend about 6 months in a military psychiatric hospital. I realized I was not nearly as crazy as most people. I also realized that if you tried to kill yourself and didn't, they took away your clothes, lighters and sharps and all of your freedom. I spent several years in therapy and saw several psychiatrists, social workers, psychologists and etc over the next 15 years. During that time I made some very poor choices for myself. I do always manage to land on my feet though and most people that know me have no clue that I am anything but a strong confident successful adult. ( But then that is what 99% of the people believed all along until I was admitted that night in 1987.

Since that time, I think I have come a long way. I still want to die. I don't think death is terrible. I will never try it again though as long as I have living children and living parents. I learned is that suicide is the MOST selfish thing a person can do. I have known that for years but didn't really understand or believe it fully until this week.

Sometime between 3:30 Wednesday afternoon and 10 AM Thursday morning, a guy (Hao) I used to work with hung himself. His preteen son was the first to find the body. My first reaction was disbelief. I would have thought this gentleman would be the last person in the world to do something like that. My second reaction is grief. He was a truly brilliant, kind man. My third reaction is anger. How could he do that to his family and his son? For the rest of his life, that son will have the picture of his dead father hanging there burned into his brain. The fear and sorrow and helplessness and most importantly, the guilt will always be with that boy. I am not sure there is enough therapy in the world to get you over something like that

I can understand the man's depression and hopelessness. What I can't understand is how he could even for one second think that it would be okay to do to his family. I know that I was willing to do it to mine. At the time, I could only see my own pain. Maybe I have come farther than I thought.

Either way, when I feel really hopeless now and when it seems like the world would be a better place without me, I will remember Hao. Maybe some good has come from his death. Maybe making me watch and feel what his family is going thru will remind me to never go that route. Maybe it will remind someone else too.

Current Earworm

I don't want to work! I want to bang on the drum all day!

Thanksgiving ponderings

Last year the neighbors and I got together with their kinfolk and deep fried about 4 turkeys in peanut oil. That was really good. The problem with that is that you can't stuff the bird. I love stuffing probably more than turkey and it isn't the same if it isn't cooked in the bird. This year another of the neighbors parents bought a house 2 doors down from me so I am expecting big Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations. I think I am going to roast my bird for the contribution though.

I lurves me some broccoli, cheese and rice casserole too. No idea why I am thinking of this since I just stuffed myself on beans and rice. I am a totally piggy.

Child Support

Well, it has been 5 weeks since I got the notice I would get something and I have not gotten a dime. Either he lost the job before they got the garnishment going or he just hasn't worked. Not sure. I sure could use some money though. Last time, I got about $30/week. Not much but it would pay for a trip to the movies or school lunches.

Spicy goodness

I lurves me some Red Beans and Rice. I made a big pot up and stuffed myself on them. Damn they are good. I hope I don't regret it tomorrow.