TMI 48 The Therapists

I tried therapists. I had seen therapists in the past. I grew up in a home with a paranoid schizophrenic mother and had my share of dysfunction. I thought at first I needed to see a therapist that had a Christian background. Dennis had an associate degree in theology and when he would get drunk he would insist he was a prophet coming to announce the second coming of Christ. I wasn't buying that but I did have a problem with God letting this happen to me and to his other family. I finally came to believe that regardless of what else happened, this was all a part of God's plan.

Incidentally, the therapists I saw this time were full of shit. None had close to the experiences I had and were horribly patronizing. I felt worse after seeing them each time. I finally quit going.

I had desperately wanted another baby. I had found a man that would gladly give me one. The was a little girl out there that didn't have the strength to testify against her abusive father. I saved her from having to do that but ended up making sure he got his due.

I felt horribly guilty I left those kids with the mother that knew this had been going on for at least 3 to 4 years and turned a blind eye. I investigated trying to get custody and was told I didn't have a leg to stand on. I worried about those kids. I finally let them go in my mind. I couldn't save the world and I had done the best I could.

I had my own kids to take care of and no one was going to help me. I didn't have a church like the other wife did and I had to work full time to support my kids. I had to get my shit together and take care of them because no one else would. I hadn't spoken to my parents in a year and wouldn't speak to them for 3 more. My sister ceased all contact with me and still does not speak to me to this day.

Somewhere in the pits of despair. I decided to be a Phoenix that rose from the ashes. That which does not kill us does not always make us stronger. Sometimes it just leaves scar tissue.

I was bitter and alone. I rallied my forces and concentrated on raising my kids. I didn't have much choice.