My Soapbox

In MY opinion, it is down right UN-AMERICAN, to slack off at work these days. I see so many jobs going to Mexico and overseas where the labor rates are lower. It pisses me off to no end to see someone take a 2 hour lunch then whine about layoffs.

After thought

Oh yeah. It is my birthday today. I turned 46.

Phone Wars

I have a Treo 650 that was given to me by Palm. I now work on the RIM account. RIM is the manufacturer of Blackberries. I used to think the Treo was the best thing since sliced bread. Now, I genuinely appreciate the Blackberries. Both are too cool for words. I can't live without mine.

What's Up?

It has been ages since I have posted. Just been horribly busy. Stupid boss got fired. Actually several stupid bosses got fired. I got a raise then got promoted and got another raise. I have been busting my ass for work.

It is real hot and really dry and my yard and plants are suffering.

My wonderful neighbor completely rejuvenate my swimming pool so it ROCKS! My other wonderful neighbor fixed the AC in my car when I was too broke to fix it. Life is good and people love me.

My middle son is off evacuating refugees from Lebanon (I am sure some idiot will think that is not politically correct they should be War Victims like Katrina victims) To those people, I say get a life and f@&# off. I am really proud of my son.

On a side note, Comment4U, I love your blog you somehow manage to lose the idiots that hover in Liberally Lean. I love that blog too but the people that don't have a life except to attack and belittle people anonymously on someone else's blog just get tiresome after a while.

An Iris from the Front Yard

They are mostly done blooming now. This is one of my favorites.

The Good News is

The doctor has decided my son's recurrent Urinary Tract Infections are caused by food allergies and not some physical problem.

The bad news is.......

He is allergic to tomatoes, citrus, caffeine, carbonation, strong spices like chili powder and jalepenos.

That means no ketchup, caffeine free diet coke, chocolate, pizza, Mexican food.

What else does a 7 year old eat?????

Headaches

I suffer from seasonal Chronic headaches. They are a BITCH.

There few things in life....

That are not improved by a pedicure in a spa chair.

What I really need......

Is not a husband but a house elf. Dobby will do fine.

The Bunny

Live bunnies brought in by cats are way better than dead possums brought in by dogs or even live possums brought in my dogs.

My son Noah saved this one from the cat after she brought it in. We caught it in the kitchen after it dove under the fridge. Noah is holding it in the pic. He is just 7 almost 8 so you can see how small the bunny is compared to his hand.

I'm baaacccckkkk!

I haven't posted in ages. Tons of things have happened. My new boss resigned and I got promoted.

Noah's Daddy

Still nothing on the sex offender database. I am hoping he went back to jail. He could have gone out of state or had his parole ended. Part of me doesn't want to know.

Work

I am busier than a one armed paper hanger with the seven year itch. It is tough being the "Golden Child" everyone wants you but you only have so much time. I tell them to put a little extra in the check.

We'll see.

My Joey

He doesn't like to be called that anymore. I called him that because when I was pregnant with him he kicked like a baby kangaroo. Now, everyone else calls him Chris. He called me again last night. He is the Marine. He is doing okay with the divorce. He is like me a survivor. I am so proud of him.

My oldest Son

He is currently in Korea. He is getting out of the Army for being overweight. I am not happy about this but am not saying a word. I can't believe he is letting this happen.

Divorce

My son ( the Marine) and his wife are divorcing. I am not surprised. I saw it coming. I hurt for him though.

Work is Hectic

I am kinda overwhelmed. I love my job. I just don't love doing other people's jobs. I am doing an Easter Egg Hunt for the office. I love doing them. I loved going to them as a kid. I am excited.

My Marine Son and other good news!

My son surprised me on Tuesday evening. He just walked into the house. I wasn't even 100% sure he was back from Iraq. He looks terrific. His wife is finishing her degree in Marine Biology and has a job that has already started and it is paying $75K a year plus car and house allowance. He isn't going back to Iraq in 3 months like he thought. He is going to Japan for 2 years instead. This is a picture of my middle and youngest son.

A Son's a Son til he takes a Wife

My son is supposed to be back from Iraq. I haven't heard from him. I think he is back but dealing with wife issues. If it had been a daughter in Iraq, she would have come to see me by now.

The Layoff Saga Continues Day 46

The coworker from hell is finally gone. They left me one total mess to fix. I am convinced they deliberately messed things up. I am stressed but doing okay. I am in a manic phase so I can work for long periods and not let up. It will be okay.

Harry Potter

I really like the Harry Potter stories.

Having said that, I want to clarify that I am not a total nutcase. Some of the people on the fansites must not have a life at all. The stories are very good both JK Rowlings and some of the fanfiction. Some of those people are just plain banana's. Makes me feel really well adjusted and sane.

Dana Reeve

It made me very sad that she died. Her family has had more than their share to deal with this year. They are in my prayers.

The Bonus, Spring Break and Scatter Shooting

The Bonus was average. I deserved more but am not really complaining. I am glad to get what I did.

The dental work for my son was $1k less than expected so I actually have a windfall. My son is on Spring Break so I took the week off. That means I worked from home all day yesterday.

He has another UTI. Still no idea why he is getting these.

I got a pedicure today. The chairs with the massager things for those alone are worth the price of a pedicure.

TMI update again

Well, I checked with the Sex Offender registry and they said I had to check with his parole officer. I guess now I need to figure out who his parole officer is.

Pool woes

My pool valve was leaking so I took it off. Then it froze outside. Now I need to replace my skimmer chamber. I hope that is all.

Noah has a dental appointment next week. It will be pricey. There goes my bonus.

Thoughts of Spring

I love Spring. It is reason enough to stay alive thru the worst depression.

My daffodils are starting to bloom. My Grape Hyacinths are starting to bloom. My iris are starting to put on green growth. I have pruned about half my roses.

I think I lost my Amaryllis though.

I need to get a new valve for my pool and get it cleaned and painted and retiled.

I am taking off work for Spring Break. I need to think of something fun to do with Noah.

The Olympics

I am totally turned off by the Olymics these days. I can remember anxiously watching them as a kid. Now, it is just painful. Not sure why. I think I am just totally disillusioned with steroid use and etc. Maybe there are just too many other things to worry about these days.

What ever it is, I am ready for them to be over.

TMI Update

Dennis has dropped off of the sex offender database. Not sure what that means. He was supposed to have to register until 2009. Maybe he went back to prison. I can only hope.

The Economy in my opinion

Here goes!

America is no longer a Super Power. We will no longer be one of the richest nations very soon. NAFTA and our customs import practices have allowed us to export jobs. The internet made it easier. We are hemoraging jobs. We are purchasing imported material. In 10 years, we will have an average income similar to the rest of the world. We need to stop now with funding poor nations. We need to increase our import fees. We need to groom our children to find jobs that are in service industries that cannot be exported. Plumbers, lawyers, doctors, teachers will all be jobs that stay here.

As a nation, we are in trouble. Most of us just don't know it yet.

The Layoff Saga Continues or SHOOT ME NOW!

They extended the COWORKER FROM HELL for another 2 weeks. She was abusive to me in front of people again today. I am busting my ass right now trying to clean up other peoples messes including hers and she is dragging me down.

The Phone Wars

I love my Treo 650. I would never have believed it but I do absolutely love it.

Having said that, I think my new Account will be RIM or the manufacturer of Blackberries. They are awesome too. It will be interesting to see which one I like better a year from now.

The Layoff Saga Continues Day 25

WTF!!! What were they thinking keeping these people for an extra month? The tension and hostility is unbearable. I need a drink.

Noah as Ben Franklin

Here is Noah dressed in the costume I made him. It didn't turn out half bad.

Why song lyrics?

I remember the famous line from "Bambi" where Thumper Rabbit says "If you can't say something nice, don't say nuthin' at all"

So when I am feeling particularly grouchy or sad or some other way that no one wants to listen to, I resort to song lyrics.

Usually they reflect how I am feeling. Sometimes they reflect how I want to feel. Sometimes they come to me because of a memory or just something that strikes my fancy.

I have gotten pretty introverted again these days. I can feel myself pulling away from people and to some extent even my son. I don't want to poison his day with my depression or anger or frustration.

But seriously folks

It is a true and very sad story. Click on the title above to find out more.

More Song Lyrics

by Gordon Lightfoot

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the skies of November turn gloomy.

With a load of iron ore - 26,000 tons more
Than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty
That good ship and true was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of November came early

The ship was the pride of the American side
Coming back from some mill in Wisconson
As the big freighters go it was bigger than most
With a crew and the Captain well seasoned.

Concluding some terms with a couple of steel firms
When they left fully loaded for Cleveland
And later that night when the ships bell rang
Could it be the North Wind they'd been feeling.

The wind in the wires made a tattletale sound
And a wave broke over the railing
And every man knew, as the Captain did, too,
T'was the witch of November come stealing.

The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait
When the gales of November came slashing
When afternoon came it was freezing rain
In the face of a hurricane West Wind

When supper time came the old cook came on deck
Saying fellows it's too rough to feed ya
At 7PM a main hatchway caved in
He said fellas it's been good to know ya.

The Captain wired in he had water coming in
And the good ship and crew was in peril
And later that night when his lights went out of sight
Came the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When the words turn the minutes to hours
The searchers all say they'd have made Whitefish Bay
If they'd fifteen more miles behind her.

They might have split up or they might have capsized
They may have broke deep and took water
And all that remains is the faces and the names
Of the wives and the sons and the daughters.

Lake Huron rolls, Superior sings
In the ruins of her ice water mansion
Old Michigan steams like a young man's dreams,
The islands and bays are for sportsmen.

And farther below Lake Ontario
Takes in what Lake Erie can send her
And the iron boats go as the mariners all know
With the gales of November remembered.

In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Maritime Sailors' Cathedral
The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times
For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald.

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
Superior, they say, never gives up her dead
When the gales of November come early

Now don't go getting weird on me.

Through early morning fog I see

visions of the things to be

the pains that are withheld for me

I realize and I can see...

[REFRAIN]:

that suicide is painless

It brings on many changes

and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make

all our little joys relate

without that ever-present hate

but now I know that it's too late, and...

[REFRAIN]

The game of life is hard to play

I'm gonna lose it anyway

The losing card I'll someday lay

so this is all I have to say.

[REFRAIN]

The only way to win is cheat

And lay it down before I'm beat

and to another give my seat

for that's the only painless feat.

[REFRAIN]

The sword of time will pierce our skins

It doesn't hurt when it begins

But as it works its way on in

The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...

[REFRAIN]

A brave man once requested me

to answer questions that are key

is it to be or not to be

and I replied 'oh why ask me?'

[REFRAIN]

'Cause suicide is painless

it brings on many changes

and I can take or leave it if I please.

...and you can do the same thing if you please.

Just sayin'

I have said in the past that being depressed is like throwing up. We all do it we just don't necessarily want anyone to watch. I think that is and always will be true.


HOWEVER, as much as we don't want anyone to watch. We still want to know someone is out there.

Forgiveness

I think the most important forgiveness we can ever receive comes from ourselves.

God forgives us. That is why he sent us his son. The real trick is learning to forgive ourselves. I am not good at it. Maybe it is a brain chemical thing.

I am angry and sad and frustrated and mad at myself and I look back at things I have done and I realize I could have done better. I think I will always feel that way.

Some times I feel like a Sad Song

This isn't a sad song but for some reason the lyrics have been kinda bouncing around my head even though it truly can't qualify as an earworm. It is a John Denver song and I think it is just beautiful.


Pegasus (Henry/Denver)

Peaceful valleys, animals and children asking me,
tell the story that you told of sailors drinking tea.
Tell the one about the man who saddled up the wind,
Pegasus and flying fish and woodmen made of tin.

A kid knows what he wants to be before he's nine or ten,
cowboys, clowns and men of war, someone else's friend.
But nine grows into big boy's pants and then to scars and pain.
Twenty's fast and hard as nails but doesn't come again.
There's days to fall and days to rise and days for making haste.
Days for seeking out yourself but no days you can waste.
Night times filled with love so good it aches to rest it down.
Endless hallways dark with sleep and rivers dark with sound.
Peaceful valleys, animals and children asking me,
tell the story that you told of sailors drinking tea.
Tell the one about the man who saddled up the wind,
Pegasus and flying fish and woodmen made of tin.

Children climbing on my arms, pigeons on my head.
Get thee up my little man and dream a dream instead.
Dream a dream of rocking chairs and flying through the night.
Then dream until the morning's gone and turned the dark to light.
Then come and get your daddy if he hasn't blown away.
Rock him in your children's hands and help him find his way.
Take him to your hiding place and let him come inside,
he'll never tell your secret, cross my heart and hope to die.
Peaceful valleys, animals and children asking me,
tell the story that you told of sailors drinking tea.
Tell the one about the man who saddled up the wind,
Pegasus and flying fish and woodmen made of tin.
Pegasus and flying fish and woodmen made of tin.

In my experience

As business person, I often am exposed to mass quantities of financial data. My job requires me to analyze that data.

It is my contention that most company's have systems in place to insure that there are checks and balances to prevent loss and theft. When those systems are not in place it indicates a problem. There are several reasons that they may not be in place. They are as follows:

1. The people involved at decision making levels are not fully trained. Or;

2. The people involved at decision making levels are too lazy to do things the right way. Or;

3. The people involved at decision making levels are too stupid to know the right way to do things. This option is not likely or they wouldn't have gotten to the decision making level. Or;

4. The people involved at decision making levels are deliberately avoiding a system of checks and balance to avoid detecting their criminal activity.

I have worked at quite a few companies. I have seen the criminal conduct on several occasions. What I also have found is that when it is discovered. The said decision making level criminal is not only not prosecuted but offered a golden parachute to keep them quiet about said criminal conduct to avoid impact on the company's stock price.

Most criminal conduct of any significant proportion is conducted at high levels. Peons just don't have access to the level of theft to be really tempting. Besides, most of us are just honest working staff's that are trying to make a living. The corrupt tend to rise thru the ranks because they don't have the same remorse reflex. I have seen it many times. Some cultures are more likely to condone this. It is sad, but it is the truth.

I can't stand a corrupt manager. Thank GOD I don't have to face that right now.

Ben Franklin

Well, I managed to get the costume done. It turned out surprisingly well considering I had no pattern. I spent about $10 on felt and $3 on a cowboy hat I converted to a 3 cornered hat and another $4 for Knee socks. I ended up with an extra light blue pair but that is the breaks.

The Layoff Saga Continues Day 14

I was surprised to find that the new buyers in Mexico taking over my job and the other buyers job are both quite competent. I really like them both. Their work ethic and senses of humor are very like mine. I am actually not too worried about letting them take over. In the long run, I have made two new good friends.

My "new" boss has already started giving me things to do. I am busier than a one armed paper hanger with the 7 year itch but I am managing pretty well all in all.

The people that were listening to the mean comments about me last week have caught on to why the spreader of said comments made them. The tables have turned and I am glad I rose above it at the time. I was really hurt but didn't let on and now the "spreader" has been cast in an entirely different light.

I went to the "new" boss and vouched for the temp they were going to let go. Now, it seems they are going to give him a go. He is only 25 and a very hard worker and very smart. He didn't tell his wife yet he was getting laid off. He says she would/will leave him. I feel sorry for him because he is a good kid (I have sons his age so I can call him that) I really believe he can rise to the occasion if given the chance. I told him that I had gone to bat for him and told him they would "find his body in a ditch" if he embarrassed me. I have no doubt he will come thru.

School projects or WTF???

My son has a book report due on 2/9. As part of that, he must decorate a paperdoll like the subject of his book. Additionally, he must dress up like the subject of his book. His book is about Ben Franklin. Where AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND A BEN FRANKLIN COSTUME IN FEBRUARY??? I know, they expect me to make one. Afterall, I can't possibly be a single mom that works 60 hours a week. NO, I must be a stay at home Mom with tons of time and money.

Did I mention?

I really hate guys that think making their pec's dance is attractive. One of our guests tried to impress me today. I threw up a little in my mouth.

The Layoff Saga Continues Day 12 or I just need to Rant

Okay, I spent half the day on a jury duty that didn't materialize. I plan to get in early this morning to get started on time with the guests from Mexico.

The other buyer calls me on the way to work. She is going to be late. Just peachy.

I get to work at 7:55 AM. The temp is there. No sign of the boss, the other buyer or the "guests" from Mexico. 8:15 AM, the boss calls. The "guests" decided to stop at McDonalds for breakfast. They will be late. 8:30 AM, the boss wanders (yes wanders) in. I am kinda pissed but say nothing. 8:45 still no "guests" and still no other buyer. LOVELY. They meander in around 8:55. We have a conference call with the Czech Republic in 5 minutes. Things are just dandy. I am livid. I don't say a word. I tough it out. I am so proud of myself.

The Layoff Saga Continues Day 11

I had jury duty today. I way psyched for it. I got there half an hour early. Of course, it was cancelled. BASTARDS!!

The team from Mexico took the 6AM flight against my recommendations. They arrived at 8:45 at DFW. They got the rental car and called for directions. 10:45 they still hadn't shown up. Seems they stopped for breakfast. Oh yeah and they forgot their LAPTOP at the rental car place and had to go back. I feel SOOOOOO much better giving them this business.

Cravings

I am jonesing for Smothered Steak in Gravy and homemade Mashed Potatos. I don't make them often since it is hard to make mashed potatos for just two. My son in Iraq should be back in the US in March and maybe he will come visit and I can really cook again.

The Layoff Saga Continues Day 8

I am pretty much to the point of being physically ill. Emotionally, I am a wreck. The people leaving are sad and bitter. The people staying are sad and guilty. I hate feeling like this. It is why I don't want to be a manager anymore. I am tired of the resentment and anger and etc.

This gets to me faster than anything I can think of. It is my achilles heel. I hate feeling like I am in trouble or like I have done something wrong. It is why I learned a long time ago not to do wrong things. I just don't handle it well enough. I hate people feeling jealous of me and I hate feeling jealous myself. I hate feeling weak emotionally. I just wish it would be over. What kind of a sick joke is it to lay someone off then keep them for a month around people that get to stay when they don't.

What I feed company

Snagged from Miz Gina

I feed company steak. It is kinda of a sell out. It isn't special really but it it what I keep for company. I don't cook much for my 7 year old and me. He won't eat what I eat and I can't live on what he eats. So, we both eat steak. I buy it and freeze it and make it when I need to cook. The rest of the time we live on frozen pizza, eating out, and Delimex Taquitos. There are other things but mostly those are the staples. He will eat Red Beans and Rice and Chili and a few other things but that is about it. The doctors says I have to put weight on him because of the ADD medicine so I feed him what he will eat instead on insisting on feeding him a well balance diet that he will refuse. I try to sneak in veggies where I can. He eats fruit so I keep lots of fresh in the house. I figure he will grow into the veggies. My older sons did.

Seasonal Headaches

Every year about this time, I get a headache that lasts about a month or month and a half. It varies from annoyance to full blown barfing migraine.

It has started again. I forgot it was the time of year for it until I realized I had had a headache for a week. Motrin will help for a bit but as soon as it wears off, the headache is back. I do Imitrex when it gets too bad. I hate taking it though as it makes me sleepy.

I have had cat scans and etc and they can't figure out why I get these headaches at this time of year.

My Mom thinks it is because it is Band Contest time and when I was in school I would be really stressed and pushed getting ready for Contest. Mostly this time of year was Solo and Ensemble Contest. She may have a point. I don't really remember but I fer sure have the headaches.

On a brighter note

I did my taxes and filed them. I am getting $160 back.

I remembered to send off my Minpin's AKC paperwork.

I did NOT eat that honking big piece of cheesecake I took to the office for breakfast.

My friend Glenda got a verbal job offer today. She hasn't worked in about a year. The job is a permanent job in Jacksonville, FL. She is getting $35k to relocate and sell her house and etc. Her salary will be almost $100K. I am so glad for her.

The Layoff Saga Continues Day 6

The people they laid off in my department are staying until 2/28. That means I have 4 more weeks with them.

Today, the buyer that did not get kept called me a brown nose and suck up and ass kisser in front of about 4 people. Needless to say, I wasn't pleased. She called me that because we were on a conference call with the Czech Republic. It was pretty much over. A guy from my new department came over to ask for help on something that I have a lot of experience with. The bosses boss that is staying was on the phone from Italy and they were trying to fix it and needed my help. As I got off the other phone call, she started in.

She got quite vulgar and quite nasty. Then she came back and ask me if I was mad. I said no, I was really more hurt. She started in again. I told her I wasn't going to discuss it and if she needed to feel that way about me she was more than welcome to.

I thought about going to HR. They would have walked her I think. I probably should have but I decided that the better part of valor here was to just brush it off since she would be gone in a month. It will be a LONG month.

Stress

I am a mess. I haven't been this much of a mess in a while. I really wish I could just live a boring stable uneventful life.

Not much chance of that.

I am more depressed than I have been in a very long time. I am considering therapy again but am feeling like most therapists don't really have a clue. I think my problem is hormones plus situations.

Why can't I just have a somewhat normal life?

The Layoff Saga Continues

Today, the client pitched a major fit and told my company they would pull the account if they went thru with all the changes.

My company offered the other buyer in my department that they laid off, a job over in the department they are moving me to At least, that is what she says. I don't understand why they didn't do it up front like they did me. She claims she isn't taking the job. She would rather not have one than stay. I suppose it is possible but I can't imagine it. Her husband makes a potload of money so I guess it is possible.

My boss is networking right and left. He isn't doing a bit of real work. I can't say I blame him.

My new boss to be is giving me work to do now even though I am swamped with the old client. I am stressed to the max.

I need to get serious and start working out and get my stuff together.

Am I a Suck Up?

I really worry about that. I don't think I am. I think I am just a person that insists on honesty and integrity in work. That tends to endear me to people above me that are competent. It pisses off the ones that aren't.

I have to admit though. After the layoff, with me being kept and the others let go, I kind feel like I must be a suck up. I didn't consciously suck up. In fact, I went out of my way to me brutally honest with the people that fought to keep me. I am hoping that is why they did. However, I have a tremendous amount of guilt.

I tend to have a problem with tact. I always have and I have been working on it. I still tend to call things as I see them. I think I tend to be very politically perceptive in office situations. Probably because I have been thru some humdingers.

I hate going into work tomorrow either way.

When I was an Army Officer and I had to reprimand or discipline people that worked for me it emotionally and physically devestated me. I hated being the one to enforce rules. I felt more angry that I had been put in the position to have to than angry at the actual offense. That is why I really don't want to be a manager anymore. I don't need the stress.

One day after the layoffs

Well, today was interesting. My boss is losing it. He didn't seem to have a good grip on reality before but now he seems to have severed all ties.

I am excited. My new job is going to offer a lot of room for growth. They kept me specifically for some special tasks they had in mind.

I am feeling pretty pleased with myself. The client I am leaving loves me and is less pissed off than before because I will be available to transition things to Mexico.

I am trying to be humble at work and think I am pulling it off so far. I am still scared that I could get cut loose too at any time but think I am probably in good standing right now.

And then, the other shoe dropped

Today, I am sitting at work and feeling really uneasy because of the layoffs yesterday. I feeling just sure that they will move my position to Mexico. The only question really seems to be when and how long do I have?

At lunch time, the HR lady comes and asks me to follow her. I go with her just knowing I am getting laid off. She says "Oh no, this is not bad news." I follow her into a conference room where my boss is sitting. The other guy I used to work for and really liked is also sitting there along with the HR lady and they have my bosses boss that just got let go on the phone.

Seems they are moving my whole department to Mexico. I am being kept and moved to another department but everyone else in the department is getting laid off. I am at once both relieved, estatic I still have a job and sad that the others won't. I am also mad. They are keeping them for a month to do a transition then I go on to the other client and the others go home.

More Layoffs

We had another round of layoffs today at work. It is always gutwrenching. If you go you are just sick. If you stay you feel guilty somehow. Most of the people laid off today were in our Telford, England site. I can understand. It is poorly managed but somehow it doesn't make anything any easier. No one from my office went today but some from our division at other locations did. None were really a big surprise but then again if they shutdown my whole department it wouldn't be a surprise. I guess I have been thru too many layoffs to be surprised anymore.

It is very depressing and humbling. It makes you angry too. Competition for jobs and business is so tight now I don't have any patience with people that don't do their jobs. No company can afford that luxury anymore.

I am a wuss!

CONDOLEESA is a Giant Moth that fires Rockets, Fears Nothing, and is Undead. Strength: 2 Agility: 6 Intelligence: 5 To see if your Giant Battle Monster can defeat CONDOLEESA, enter your name and choose an attack: fights CONDOLEESA using Strength Agility Intelligence

My Chemistry Prof

I had a chemistry Prof in college that only wore black. He kept his head shaved and he was weird as hell. Everyone thought he was a Satanist. That was the rumor. I found out later, that he actually was color blind and a bachelor so he only bought black so no matter what he wore it would match.

He reminded me of the weird preacher in Poltergist 3. He really was a nice man though and very bright. I think if he had been a professor anywhere but that small college in Eastern Kentucky he would have been a lot less derided.

Ranting and Raving

I love my job.

My boss pisses me off to no end.

I have a thing about honor, honesty, integrity and ethics.

I have a problem with ethics vs. morality.

I could never be a lawyer.

Wannabe's and Hasbeen's piss me off. We are all wannabe's and hasbeen's about something though right?

Jesse Jackson

Darryl Hammond doing Jesse Jackson on SNL is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time.

The whole opening skit is hysterical.

TMI 67 Where I am going

Well, what am I going to do now?

I am 45 years old.

I have been married too many times to men I ended up supporting both emotionally and financially. I have grown sons and a 7 year old. The 7 year old takes 100% of my non-working life.

Financially, I am starting over. I own my own home, in my name only. This is the 4th house I have purchased all by myself. My car is finally paid for so I have a house payment and utilities and food. I had to file bankruptcy to be able to cover those bills.

I need a job that pays more and that has a bit more security. I live in fear that my job will be exported to Mexico. It is hard to compete with that cheap labor.

I love my job in many ways though. I am able to work from home when Noah is off most of the time. Summers are too long to try that but all other holidays seems to be a go. I hold my department together. I love what I do and I am very very good at it. I really need more money though. I am barely making it. The problem is that the higher paying jobs require more of my time and give less flexibility on work hours and etc. Many require overnight travel and as a single Mom, that is difficult.

I would love to find someone to walk beside me thru life. I have pretty much given up on that happening though. I can live with that, it is just a really lonely feeling. All in all though, it beats carrying someone else all the time.

TMI 66 Where I am today

Today, I am mostly recovered. I still bear scars. I am financially challenged by having to support my son with no financial assistance.

I am mostly happy. I am lonely and I have some days where I feel sorry for myself.

But, I have a beautiful healthy son that is at the top of his classes in school. He is well adjusted and has a good moral sense. He is a kid so he makes mistakes but he definitely is capapble of guilt and remorse. I worried that he wouldn't be and that he would be like his father in that. He isn't like that though. He has a strong sense of right and wrong and while he is a kid and sometimes chooses the easy way vs. the right way. He knows the difference and is protective and supportive of those smaller and less powerful than he is.

I have made sure that he won't be the typical child of a convict father. He wants to be a Navy Pilot. I think he will make it.

TMI 65 Healing

The time from January 2005 til now was a time for healing and forgiveness. I learned to forgive myself for marrying such losers. I forgave Dennis because he is not capable of being anything other than he is.

I learned that being mad or hurt doesn't make a difference and only affects me and the people that have to be around me.

I learned that bad things happen to good innocent people. Sometimes the good and innocent people can learn from it.

I learned that I am incredibly strong and I don't have to be defined by my mistakes but by my capacity to forgive and thrive anyway.

I learned you can forgive without allowing yourself to be that vulnerable again.

I learned that I am smart even if I have made some poor choices.

I learned that there are people in this world that will love me regardless of where I have been because where I have been affects me but doesn't define me. I am who I choose to be.

I have learned that if you tell someone you were once married to a pedophile, they usually treat you like you were the pedophile. Somehow, you get the guilt and blame associated with you. That or they pity you so much they can't look you in the eye anymore.

I learned that if you don't tell people you were married to a pedophile, they won't ever guess it in a million years.

I learned that life goes on. It isn't any fairer or easier but no matter what, it goes on and you can go with it or get left behind. It is ultimately up to you.

Funny cause it is my birthstone

Your Gemstone is Ruby

Daring, ethusiastic, and spontaneous. You are energetic and passionate, with an appetite for life.

What Gemstone Are You?

After Christmas Blues

Not sure what is up.

I had a bad cold but am getting over it.

I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it is a train coming. My friend Janice said that she and my friend Randy needed to be my light at the end. She can't be and neither can he. They both are married and have families.

I walk thru the tunnel and I don't stop. Even when I am tired and depressed, I don't stop. I am tired of walking alone. I keep walking for Noah. My friends walk with me for short distances and help with the load for brief periods of time but the truth is I really walk alone. Even when I was married I walked alone. I ended up carrying my husbands. Is it so much to ask to have someone just walk with me. They don't have to carry my load or anything. I just want someone to walk with.

Man, I sure can be full of self pity.

Code of Conduct

Code of Conduct

"I am an American fighting man. I serve in the forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense."

"I will never forget that I am an American fighting man, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America."...

BlackHawk Down

I am watching it again. If you have never seen it, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, watch it. If you doubt our presence in Iraq, please watch it. It doesn't explain why we are there. It doesn't need to. We are there. Support them. Watch it and try to understand.

Soldier's Creed

The Soldier's Creed:
I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States and
live the Army Values.
I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

I can't win

Do you ever get depressed then feel guilty because you are?

I think I have been wallowing in self pity. My life is really pretty good and sure could be a whole lot worse. I just spend too much time wishing for things I probably can't have.

I think that before we get born, we sit down with God and figure out our lesson plan for this life. We know what choices we will be faced with in order to learn what we need to learn. I think I wanted to not be bored. I still don't want to be bored. I can honestly say of all the ways you could describe my life, boring would not be one. Sometimes, I would trade the excitment for more security. I think though if I had it, I would find a way to make it exciting and less secure.

Must be a character flaw.

My Song to Strip to!

Your Stipper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears "I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it." You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

What Song Should You Strip To?

Communist!!

When I was in ROTC Advanced Camp in the summer between my Junior and Senior year of college, I had a First Sergeant that would get mad at us and call us Communists!

I thought that was hysterical. Rather than swear at someone or find another derogatory comment, I started calling people Communists, when I would get mad. That was 25 years ago and I still do it to this day. Communism is dead but the habit hasn't died.

My son was misbehaving a bit in Walmart this evening and I called him a Communist. The checkout clerk almost rolled in the floor. I had forgotten where I got it from but for some reason she brought it all back.

TMI 64 January 2005

In the meantime, there was a child support hearing with Dennis. I had to sit next to him in court and during mediation. I was scared and angry. He told me he had found God. I told him I had heard it before and that Noah couldn't eat that.

He got a court appointed attorney. I didn't get one.

The court appointed attorney was less than pleasant to me. I was the bad guy. The judge was less than kind to me. Obviously somewhere along the line, I must have commited a crime. Clearly, Dennis was the victim here. At least that was the way I was treated. Dennis was ordered to pay back child support but not anytime soon. His child support obligation was reduced. I really didn't care. I ask the judge to wipe out the debt but to terminate Dennis's rights. He said he couldn't do that. That my friend is justice. I cried in court. I cried all the way home. I was physically ill. I was angry. I was mad and hurt. None of that made a bit of difference.

TMI 63 September

September 2004 was also a bad month. I had Dr bills piling up. I no longer had a job. Quite unexpectedly, at least to me, all income from Jim's business ceased abruptly. Jim seemed unphased. We essentially had my unemployment and that was it to live on. It wouldn't begin to even cover the house payment.

Jim did not slow down his spending. He maxed out what he had remaining on his credit cards. I borrowed money from my parents because he "couldn't" from his. His daughter owed us money. His son owed us money. I cashed out the last of my 401K. It would carry us thru November. I was furiously looking for jobs. I interviewed a lot. Most didn't want to pay anything close to what I was making. Several offered me less than half my previous salary. I got an interview in Arkansas for a job that paid $75K. I flew to Arkansas for the interview.

I really didn't want to move again. I hated Arkansas and have for most of my life. Noah's daddy was from Arkansas and it just left a bad taste in my mouth.

In the meantime I got an interview with a company here in the DFW area. I went. I didn't think I had a snowball's chance in hell.

I got the offer from the job in Arkansas. It wasn't for the job I interviewed for but for another that only paid $65K annually. I didn't want to move for that. The other job here told me they would have an offer for me in 3 days. I waited on pins and needles. It finally came the day my answer was due to the job in Arkansas. It was SUBSTANTIALLY LESS than the offer in Arkansas. I would not have to move and sell a house and etc. I took the local job.

Jim was not working at all. He was drinking more and more. My patience was fraying. He refused flat out to find any form of a job. I was about at the end of my rope.

His daughter came to visit the first week in January. I didn't much care except I wouldn't be there to refree between the "guests" and Noah. I called home to check on Noah. He told me the stepgrandson got a knife from the kitchen and was poking him with it over a video game. The stepdaughter got on the phone with me and laughed about it. I was not amused. I ask to speak to Jim. I told him in no uncertain terms that this was not acceptable. He thought I was over-reacting. I was scared and livid. I left work. Went home. Got Noah and told him we were leaving and not coming back until everyone else was gone. We went to the neighbors and waited for about an hour. We returned and I told him he needed to move out that I had taken all I could. He agreed to be out in two weeks. It took closer to six. I was still glad he was gone.

TMI 62 The Fall

By fall, I had pretty much had it. I begged Jim to try to find a job on a daily basis. He refused stating he was too old to get a regular job. I told him he was too old to eat then. He wasn't amused. The marriage had pretty much failed. I was holding it together because I didn't really want another failed marriage. Noah was back in school. I had quite a few hours with my job but things were slowing down. My boss called me from Phoenix. They hired someone to replace me and they needed me to fly out and train her.

Now, to say I was not excited about training my replacement was an understatement. To say I was not excited about going back to Phoenix was also an understatement. But, I knew they had done well by me and had generally treated me honorably. I flew out and trained my replacement. Her favorite colors were short and tight. I understood what the sales guy saw in her. She was pretty smart but very young and very inexperienced. I had things set up so they were pretty much fool proof. I stayed a week and went home to job hunt.

The market was soft. I wanted too much money. My ex refused still to look for a job. Any job at all. He simply refused. Things got more tense. I really really began to resent him. His comment was that he was just a laid back guy and that things would work out. I agreed they would but not the way he imagined.

TMI 61The Summer

Noah wore the cast for an additional 4 weeks after the surgery. I hadn't seen the arm since there was a cast over the pins. Once the cast was on, he had no pain. He was mad he couldn't swim or the other things he wanted to once school was out. He got the cast off in late June. They pulled the pins out then. I thought they would be small stainless steel pins. They looked more like cut up coat hangers. They pulled them out with pliers. He cried. He took it a lot better than I would. His muscles had atrophied. I had to do physical therapy on him 6 times a day. It was more painful than pulling the pins out. He cried a lot.

The thoughts of divorce had been waylaid in my concern for Noah. I tried to help my ex start a handy man business. I put in a lot of hours doing marketing and sales. I got him several jobs. I ended up helping since most jobs were not one man jobs. He wanted to start around 10 Am and finish up for the day around 2 PM. You can't make a living doing that and people want home repairs and etc done quickly. He was embarrassing me in his poor work ethic. I ended up doing the lion's share of the work. I am consequently a great painter and great at wallpaper and stonework. I would work 20 hour days. He went home and drank beer.

I was again losing my patience.

TMI 60 The Spring

The Spring went okay. We were broke but making the bills. The marriage was strained. I felt very used and angry. My ex just seemed to be happy with me shouldering all the responsibilities. I wasn't happy and told him so. I was ready to get a divorce.

My son was in kindergarten. It was nearing the end of the school year and his birthday. He was getting very excited. My ex's business hadn't gone tit's up yet but was definitely in death throes. He was bringing home about $1K per month before taxes. He wasn't doing much to earn that. I felt he needed to be looking for a new business or a new job. He wasn't interested.

My son went to school on his birthday. He was very excited. I had to go into the local office that day but was home by noon. The phone rang at 1PM. It was the school nurse. My son had fallen off teh monkey bars at school and they thought maybe he had broken his arm. GREAT! We had no health insurance. I struggled with what to do. He was in a lot of pain and my family doctor was off that day. I took him to the local ER. They charged me $1K for the ER alone to tell me that yes his arm was broken but they couldn't fix it and he needed to see a specialist. (The ER doc and the radiologist both charged about another $1K each) They referred me to one locally. We rushed over to see her. She charged me $350 to tell me she couldn't touch it either and that he needed to see a pediatric orthopedic surgeon. We made the appointment for the next morning.

The pediatric orthopedic surgeon saw him and said he definitely needed surgery and that if he didn't get it, he would lose the use of his left arm entirely. I cried. I cried a lot. I cried because my son hurt. I cried because I felt so helpless. We scheduled the surgery for the following Monday. The surgery was $17K. He had pins in his elbow and a cast on his arm. The school had no liability insurance and in Texas it is against the law to sue a school. I felt then and still feel the school was negilgent in not having better safety measures in place. It made no difference.

TMI 59 February 2004 was a BAD month

It started out okay. I was getting more hours at work and things were settling down.

One morning we get a call. The gentleman that was the direct contact for my husband's business with his main customer had had a heart attack and died during the night. The business died with him. It was just a bit slower death.

The step daughter that had been living with us with her kids informed us she was coming to get her furniture and etc. Could we please pack everything up for her? I wasn't thrilled with the idea of packing for someone else when I had no clue what they wanted to keep or get rid of. I ended up starting in her daughter's room. The more time I spent in there the more pissed off I got. There was gum stuck in my new carpet, there was spray paint on the walls, there were holes in the walls, there were my dishes and food and general trash. There was all kinds of stuff that just had no business in there. I stayed mad for a while. I started on the boys room. It was just more of the same. I packed up her kitchen stuff and left her room for her to manage.

She arrived with not only the convict husband but the convict husband's father. Both were real prizes. I didn't want them in my house. She hadn't ask and I felt trapped and used. I told my husband. He felt I was out of line. The daughters stepson and her kids bullied Noah and my pets while they were here. They took hand tools and tossed them into the swimming pool. The hid my sons toys from him. I was very glad to see them go.

My husband didn't tell me his business was failing but I had a feeling. I tried to encourage him to take steps to not just let it slip away. He was immobile. I was pissed but figured he must know what he was doing. He did. He figured I would support us all.

TMI 58 Work and the Business

I was working from home but I wasn't getting many hours. I still had a little room on my credit cards and I was anxiously trying to get a job. The market was really tight though. We were struggling along but managing to meet the bills.

My husband wanted to buy stuff. Mostly tools and lawn equipment and etc. We had separate credit cards and while I told him it wasn't a good idea to spend so much I felt like I couldn't tell him how to spend his money.

The daughter and kids moved out shortly before Christmas. I was VERY relieved. Her kids were good when she wasn't around but the minute she was, they turned into conniving little monsters.

As it turns out, the man she married was not only just out of rehab but also just out of prison. Seems he was a crack dealer. Of course according to her, he was totally reformed. I called "bullshit"

Life got a little better. I was getting more hours and Jim's business was doing okay. I stayed out of his business because he had managed it for 15 years without me and I figured he knew what he was doing. Again, I was an idiot.

TMI 57 Finally Home

We moved back to Texas the week before Halloween. We got the home office set up in the main living room. The daughters little girl had one bedroom, the daughters son and Noah shared another and she took the family room as her bedroom. When she was home she slept. She worked as a waitress and was gone by the time the kids got home from school. Guess who ended up taking care of the kids? I didn't mind as long as the kids all got along and as long as we shared the work. I did all the laundry all the cooking all the cleaning. I made sure the kids got their homework done and their baths.

She didn't like what I cooked for them or pretty much anything I did. Mostly, she and her kids were mean to Noah. Noah, even though he has a lot of brothers and sisters essentially has been raised as an only child. He is generally well behaved and shares well and doesn't bully. He had never been exposed to kids ganging up on him and he had no clue how to deal with. I tried to be patient but in my own home my patience grew thin. My husband was no support what so ever and let his daughter take full advantage of us. I tried to help her I really did, but she didn't want my help. She ended up taking her kids out of school for weeks at a time to go visit her friends in Missouri. They all had drug problems and were in and out of rehab and she was trying to be there for them. I felt like she needed to worry more about her kids than her druggie friends. I kept my mouth shut though. It was selfish but I was glad when they would go so I would have a little peace. She went up right after Christmas to see an old boyfriend that was getting out of drug rehab. He was out 2 days when they got married. I didn't much care but she wanted to bring him to Texas to stay in my home. I put my foot down. My husband was pissed. He thought I was being unfair. I got the cold shoulder from both of them. I just didn't want a druggie around my son. I didn't want him to think that was acceptable behavior.

TMI 56 The Return to Texas

September and October of 2003 was very busy.

I received a letter from Victims Services that Dennis was being released. I called and found out that he would be going to a halfway house for sex offenders in El Paso. He was released on Oct 10, 2003 after serving just over 4 years of a 10 year sentence. As terms of his parole, he would have to get a job, stay in the halfway house until he saved $2k so he could get an apartment and etc. He would also have to register as a sex offender until his original sentence was completed. After that, he would be free and clear. LOVELY!

I was making arrangements to move back to Texas to my new husbands home. He had moved his daughter into my house and she had in turn moved in roommates (without my permission I might add) the roommates brought a dog and a cat.

I was again sorting and throwing things away to make the move as light as possible. I made arrangements to get Noah withdrawn from school and made arrangements to be able to work from home in Texas.

The first of October, Jim sent me an email telling me he had gotten eviction papers from his ex wife and she was insisting on taking the house we had planned on living in back even though she hadn't been in it in 12 years and he "believed" she had given it back to him. I wasn't very happy. I was leaving my full time job for a part time job with no benefits and now I had no place to live.

After much discussion, and the confession by my new husband that his daughter was in fact unable to pay the rent on my house, we decided to move back in there and allow her to live with us until she found something she could afford.

That was the first of many mistakes. Starting a marriage while supporting a grown child with 2 children of her own puts a lot of stress on the new marriage.

My Sister again

I didn't send the card yet but I will. Part of me really thinks I shouldn't. She has been pretty adamant about not contacting us and the times I would call her when I did have her phone number, she would always refuse to talk to me.

I think she stays away because of guilt. I understand guilt. I have my own share. I did learn though that regardless of what happens and whatever I have done. I am human and humans make mistakes.

My sister

My older sister is a doctor. I haven't spoken to her in 6 years. Her birthday is Friday.

She refuses to talk to anyone in the family. I miss her.

I want to send her a card but she has really tried to cut off all contact with us. I am really want to send her a card and just tell her I love her and miss her and am thinking about her and if she doesn't want to talk to me it is okay, that I still love her.

Maybe that is selfish.

I am afraid it will upset her.

I love her and I want her to know that. I don't know how to tell her without hurting her.

Andrea Yates

What she did was a terrible thing.

I think the saddest part is that people can't see that she was backed into a corner. It does not excuse what she did. It was horrendous.

I don't believe for one minute that she didn't love her kids. I think she was just a very sick puppy that her doctors and husband and social services let down.

I don't think she should be free. I think the death penalty would be the kindest thing for her.

I think her husband and doctor share her guilt.

Nancy Grace

I don't like her. I don't watch her. She irritates the shit out of me.

The Mirror of Erised

In the Harry Potter books, there is a mirror called "The Mirror of Erised" it shows you your hearts desire. It shows you neither knowledge or truth. The story is that men can spend whole life times looking at it and forget to live. I think a lot of us end up doing that.

There is wisdom in strange places.

Suicide attempts - Man is this Morbid

Having been suicidal much of my life, I know something about it.

There are two type of people that attempt suicide.

There are those that are making a cry for help and attention and do not really want to die.

Then there are those of us that REALLY genuinely believe that there has to be something better than this and really want to die and end the pain of existence.

The second category scares the psychiatrists a lot more. I don't fear death. Then again, I don't think suicide is a good thing. I think I am here on this earth to learn something and if I am still alive then I am not done learning it. I don't want anyone in my family or any of my friends to die. Heck, I don't want most people to die. I do understand though being too tired and too heartsick to go on. I think you have to find a reason to make yourself go on even when you feel that way. I found that something. Everyone can't find it.

I don't think suicide is an unforgivable sin. I think it is usually very selfish. I also think God forgives us this sin.

I think it is usually a terrible waste.

I think because I don't fear death or dying, it makes me believe in the death penalty. I think it is a kindness and a way to end their suffering.

I am probably a really sick puppy.

For being such a sick puppy, I manage to do pretty well though.

I am sure anyone reading my journal thinks I am a total nutcase. I am sure I am. But, I am still smarter and more successful and a better parent than 90% of the world.

Just because I am depressed it doesn't mean I am not arrogant.

It happened again

Last week my company laid off 30 people. It is always a tough thing to go thru. Today, the IT guy came and told me that the guy named Roger in his department that got laid off last week shot himself over the weekend.

He had no children. He had no wife. I didn't know him well but he seemed like a great guy. I wouldn't date anyone from my office but I liked him and probably would have dated him. Now, he is dead.

Just because, I tried to kill myself OOOOONNNNEEEE TIME, they put me in a mental hospital!!

I tried to kill myself when I was 26 and in the Army. They took my clothes and my lighter. I would have to go to group therapy twice a week. Even though I was depressed. I was absolutely one of the most sane people there including the staff and patients. Every once in a while we would get a patient that would come up with some really lame excuse as to why they were there. That is when I would bust out with my story.

Just because, I tried to kill myself OOOOONNNNEEEE TIME, they put me in a mental hospital. Can't a girl make one mistake??? I thought it was hysterical. Truth me known I caught the staff snickering more than once. They were highly embarrassed about getting caught. Just goes back to the old saying. If you can't take a joke.......

TMI 55 The Honeymoon

We didn't really have a Honeymoon but we did have a Honeymoon period. Jim would fly out every two or three weeks and it would be great. I was homesick for Texas so in August, I took vacation and flew back to stay with him for a week.

In the meantime, he moved his daughter and her two kids into my house and they were to rent it for $1k per month. He was living in the house he had purchased with his ex wife in Grapevine. He told me that she had gotten it in the divorce but that once her oldest son moved out, she let him have it and he made the payments and for all practical purposes, it was his and his name was still on the loan and the deed. The plan was for me to find a job back in Texas and move back an in with him in the house in Grapevine. It was much smaller than mine in Plano but that was okay. I didn't care, I just wanted to live with my husband and move back to Texas.

I really did care for Jim and was genuinely falling in love with him.

I approached my boss about moving back to Texas and working from home. He said no. I kept job hunting in Texas but the economy was soft and there just wasn't anything.

I kept after my boss and finally in September he agreed to let me move back. He would allow $2500 for the move and I was to work from home as a contractor and average 20 hours per week. It would be a huge pay cut and loss of benefits but with Jim's business and the savings in rent in Arizona I figured it would be a wash. At least I would be back in Texas and could look for a job from there.

TMI 54 The Wedding

We got married on July 3, 2003. I cried during the ceremony. It wasn't because I was so happy but because I was so afraid. I REALLY wanted this to work. I wasn't in love with him really but on a certain level, I did love him. I needed to not be alone in the world. He stayed 4 days and went home to Texas. I spent the next two weeks waiting for him to fly out again.

When he would come out, things would be great. We would go places and talk and spend time together. We had fun.

Noah wasn't impressed. His time as the sole focal point in my life was gone. He was angry and even more depressed than before. He liked Jim but he was jealous and felt left out. I did everything I could to make him feel a part of it all. It wasn't working.

I ask my boss to let me move back to Texas. My house still hadn't sold and was vacant again. I was bleeding money. Jim was not much help. He had his own business but it was only barely paying his bills. My boss said no to me moving back. I started job hunting in Texas again. I wanted to go home.

In the meantime, Dennis now had a release date from prison. I felt ill.

TMI 53 Settling in

The first few months in Phoenix were just plain scary. I was totally broke from making 2 house payments and getting new carpet and paint for the house in Plano I was trying to sell. I was living on $80/week for food, gas, and etc. It didn't leave much. We ate a lot of beans and popcorn and mac and cheese. I went to Thrift Stores for the stuff I needed that I didn't bring with me. I only moved about 2k lbs of stuff. If you have ever moved, you know that isn't much. We had no table to eat off of and mostly all we had were 2 TV's and a bed and dresser and desk. I did still have my computer. I got a phone for the house. I had to have one per the lease.

I didn't know anyone there. There was and Indian guy at work though and I had an Indian friend from another job previously and I ask the guy at my current office if he knew her because I knew she used to live in Phoenix. As it turns out, she was back living in Phoenix. I found her husband's name in the phone book and called and sure enough. It was them. I was so excited. We had been very close before and I now had a lifeline. Two weeks later, the Indian guy at work told me that the husband had died. I was crushed. I still hadn't managed to see my friend and now her husband was dead. I saw her for the first time in over 10 years at his funeral. It was heartbreaking and she was tied up with family and grief. I wouldn't see her again for several months.

In the meantime, my house wasn't selling and I was dipping into my 401K to make the payments. I was still living on $80/week for groceries and gas and etc and I was really depressed from being so poor.

My son was sad too. All his friends were gone and we were new in the neighborhood. We spent a lot of time at home watching videos we had already and what ever channels we could get on the TV without cable. I couldn't afford it.

I was homesick and he was homesick.

I started emailing and chatting with a friend that used to date another of my friends. He was a nice guy or seemed to be and we seemed to have quite a bit in common. I never got to know him much while I was in Texas because he dated my friend and it would just have been awkward. It was nice to have someone to talk to.

After a month, he flew out to visit. I wasn't real comfortable with it but I was so lonely I was agreeable. He was a nice guy.

He came out and immediately wanted to get involved. He hinted that before he flew out. I told him I wasn't interested in that but when he arrived it was hard to fight the courtship. I was so lonely. I didn't fall in love with him but I did really like him. After 4 days he flew home. When he got home, he ask me to marry him. I, of course said not only NO, BUT HELL NO!

I didn't want to be married. I didn't want to take a chance and fail again. Then he came up with a plan. He told me he would adopt Noah if we got married then we could easily terminate Dennis's parental rights. My attorney had told me that if I had someone willing to adopt Noah it would be a lot easier to get Dennis's rights terminated. I had mentioned that to Jim and he used it to encourage me to get married. I didn't want to and I told him so. He just kept pointing out how we could once and for all get Dennis out of Noah's life and get me back home to Texas. He was good to me too. He did things for me and generally tried to make my life easier. I thought long and hard and told him I was only doing it for Noah, that I did care for him but I really didn't want to be married. I just wanted to have Dennis's contact and rights to Noah terminated. I told him if he still wanted to get married under those circumstances I would. He was excited and made arrangements to fly out again so we could get married. I was terrified but figured I was going into this with my eyes open this time. ONCE AGAIN, I WAS AN IDIOT.

Ear Worm - Word Up

Yo, pretty ladies around the world
Gotta a weird thing to show you
So tell all the boys and girls
Tell your brother, your sister and your momma too
Were about to go down
And you know just what to do
Wave your hands in the air like you don’t care
Glide by the people as they start to look and stare
Do your dance, Do your dance
Do your dance quick, mom

[Chorus:]
C’mon baby tell me what’s the word
Now, word up
(ahh ahh)
Everybody say
When you hear the call you got to get it under way
Word up
(ahh ahh)
It’s the call, word
No matter where you say it
You know that you’ll be heard

Now all you sucker DJs
Who think you’re fly
There’s got to be a reason
And we know the reason why
You try to put on those airs
And act real cool
But you got to realize
That you’re acting like fools
If there’s music, we can use it
Be free to dance
We don’t have the time for psychological romance
No romance, no romance
No romance for me, mom

[Chorus:]
C’mon baby tell me what’s the word
Now, word up
(ahh ahh)
Everybody say
When you hear the call you got to get it under way
Word up
(ahh ahh)
It’s the call, word
No matter where you say it
You know that you’ll be heard
(woo!)

[Bridge:]
Word up
(ahh ahh)
Everybody say
When you hear the call you got to get it under way
Word up
(ahh ahh)
It’s the call, word
No matter where you say it
You know that you’ll be heard

Word up
(ahh ahh)
Everybody say
When you hear the call you got to get it under way
Word up
(ahh ahh)
It’s the call, word
No matter where you say it
You know that you’ll be heard

TMI Phoenix

I hated Phoenix. I tried to like it, I really did. I am a gardener by nature. Things will grow in Phoenix. However, they won't grow without a tremedous amout of water. I got discouraged.

I found a house that was 1050 Sqft to rent. I put my house here on the market. I was ready to let go and never look back. Fortunately, Texas wasn't ready to let go of me.

My house here didn't sell. It did eventually rent to the tenants from hell. I was horribly lonely and depressed.

My older sons refused to speak to me. I felt lost.

TMI 52 The Sex Offender Treatment Course

After talking extensively with Victims Services, I was told that Dennis would only be released after he had successfully completed a Sex Offender Treatment Program. The next one didn't start for 6 months and it lasted about 18 months. The earliest he could be released was Oct 2003. At the time it was around December 2001. I had two years to worry about it.

I settled into a routine of trying not to fight with my teenager. I tried to make enough to pay the bills and take care of the baby. I was still really angry and generally distrustful. I took another Myers Briggs Personality Test and I was now an ESTJ. At least I was back to being my extroverted self. I didn't hate men. I just didn't trust them anymore. I did manage to trust those I had known before I met Dennis.

I hadn't dated and really wasn't interested in dating. Then, the man I had genuinely been in love with for the last 15 years came back into my life. I didn't want to be in love with him again. I fought it, I really did. When it comes to him, I have self control. What I don't have is the ability to control my emotions. I had been so alone and so betrayed and when he came back, I realized that I was capable of loving again. Hell, I hadn't ever quit loving him even when I am not sure he deserved it. Until he came back, the thought of sex made me ill. I had these pictures of Dennis fantasizing about little girls while he was with me and it just made me ill. When the guy I had been in love with came back, I knew he wasn't thinking about little girls but about me. For the first time in a long time, I had a sex drive again. He was back only briefly though and I quickly went back into my routine of taking care of my kids and shutting off my sex life.

My oldest managed to graduate and move out in June. My company gave me a choice in July. Move to Phoenix or find other employment. I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO MOVE. I didn't see much choice. I moved. I cried while I was packing. I didn't want to move. I needed a job. In Sept 2002, I moved to Phoenix. At least it would be harder for Dennis to find us.

TMI 51 The Depression Years Phase 1 cont. THE DAY AFTER THE WRECK

I didn't sleep at all that night. I couldn't. I was too keyed up.

I got up the next morning, called the office, called the insurance company, called the car rental place.

A lady from work came and got me because I lived so close. The car rental place delivered to my work.

I drug thru the day. I got off and got the baby from daycare, dropped him again off at the neighbors and went to get the stuff out of the car.

I finally found the lot where it was towed to. Just looking at it made me cry. Not because I had no car but because I can't believe my son had been in there and lived. The front end of the car was smashed. Apparently on one of the flips, it came down nose first before flipping onto the back then front again then finally coming to rest upside down nose away from the street. The moon roof was open. The air bags had deployed. He had had his seatbelt on. The stitching on the seatbelt had torn down to the last row of stitches. I opened the driver's door to get out my stuff, CD's junk like that. It opened and closed perfectly. I couldn't believe it. I went around to the hatchback to get the baby's stroller out. The trunk opened and closed without a hitch even though it was badly disfigured. The stroller wasn't so lucky. The wheels had been horribly bent and it would never be usable again.

I went back, got the baby from the neighbors and went home and cried again. Then I fed us all and went to bed to finally sleep.

TMI 51 The Depression Years Phase 1 cont. THE WRECK

The police knocked at my door at 11:00 PM. I had been asleep with the baby who was now about 2 and a half. I knew when I heard the knock, it wouldn't be a good thing. I opened the door to a cop. Opening the door, to a cop, at 11:00 at night out of a sound sleep is never a good thing. The cop told me "Ma'am, we have been trying to call you but no one answered." (I didn't have a phone in the bedroom only in the kitchen). "Your son has been in a wreck but he is okay and we need you to come get him."

Suddenly, I was fully awake. He ask me if I would like to follow him. I told him I couldn't. My son had wrecked my only car. He said he would wait until I got dressed. I went in threw on some jeans and grabbed a blanket for the baby and the cop took me to the site of the wreck. I had a 2000 Acura Integra. They have a moon roof. My son had had it open. The cop drives me slowly by the car. It had some to rest upside down and had been stopped by a huge pile of dirt that had been moved for some construction. One headlight was still on. I will always remember seeing that car and wondering how my son was still alive. When I saw the car, I started crying silent tears.

We got to the gas station where my son had run to after he crawled out of the car to call me and the police. He was sitting in the back of an ambulance. The paramedics said that he seemed uninjured but that it might be a good idea to take him to a hospital to have him checked. From everything they could see, he was fine. He was shaken up but fine.

That was the last time I can remember my son hugging me and crying. The first words out of his mouth were "Mom I am so sorry I wrecked your car." I cried and told him it was just a car and I was just glad he was alive."

The cops give him a ticket for reckless driving. They couldn't prove speeding since they weren't there but the one cop said he had to be going over 100 MPH when he wrecked. They weren't very nice to him. I, for one, was glad. I was too glad he was alive to put the fear of God into him and the cops did that for me. I thanked them. I really do love Cops.

We got home and called his dad to let him know. The dad, of course, had to come see him to make sure he was okay. By this time, it was 1 AM. My ex was being an asshole to me in my house. I wasn't amused.

TMI 51 The Depression Years Phase 1

My teenagers hated me. My job wasn't what it was represented to me to be. I had zero growth potential. I didn't trust anyone anymore. I was working long hours and having to send my baby to daycare.

I was taking antidepressants but I was still depressed. I felt like a total failure. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

I get a letter from Victims Services telling me that Dennis is up for Parole. He has been in prison about 1 year. THIS HAS GOT TO BE A MISTAKE!! HE GOT 10 YEARS! IT HASN'T BEEN BUT ABOUT A YEAR!! I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach all over again. I was sure he was going to get out and come back and terrorize me again and try to steal Noah or something. He broke in and took my dog at one point after I had him move out the final time and I had to call his Probation Officer and throw a fit before he brought her back. As it was, she had jumped off the balcony of his second floor apartment and cost me $200 in vet bills when I got her back. I would not put him trying to steal Noah past him. After all, what did he have to lose?

I was a total hysterical wreck. I called my attorney and Victim's Sevices. I wrote letters to the Parole Board. I called the other wife (who incidentally never bothered to register with Victim's Services) and ask her to write letters and contact her attorney for advice and help. She had no idea he was up for parole so soon. I had no respect for her but I would have done anything at that point that was legal to keep Dennis in prison where he belongs.

Shortly afterward, I get another letter from Victim's Services. His Parole was granted.

I looked into moving to Germany. I looked into going into hiding. I was really really afraid. When I look back at so many things that happened during my time with Dennis, I realize I am lucky that my kids and I made it out alive. I am far enough away from the situation at this point to realize how blind I was and how taken in I was and how much in danger I was.

I was back to throwing up all the time. It was affecting my work. I couldn't let it do that. I had to feed my kids. I hadn't gotten a dime of child support since well before he went to prison.

I had to get my shit together again, figure out how to deal with this and TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS.

I finally allowed my middle son to get his driver's license after the incident with the Mustang. Less than a month later, he flipped my new and only car end over end 3 times less than 2 miles from my house. Thanks! I needed that!

TMI 50 Self Preservation

I finally had all of the mail from Dennis blocked. He couldn't write to me or my kids. At least that is what I ask for. Legally, I found I could not stop him from writing to Noah or to my sons since he could claim he had been a stepfather. This man was a pedophile and I had to let him contact my kids. I was flabbergasted.

I was awarded $600 in child support per month. Dennis had land and a 401K and other property. However, the other wife got first claim to all of that. Dennis's mother and brothers and sisters never again attempted to contact me or even send a card to Noah. Good Riddance. He was better off without them.

Dennis's first wife and son stayed in contact for a while. The first wife had back surgery and was really struggling herself. I didn't have much to offer at that point. I did try to help her. I just didn't have much left to be able to help her. The oldest son was married now with a son that is 3 or 4 months younger than Noah. He was 19 years old with a baby. He was busting his ass but was too busy with his own life to be in Noah's. I Understood.

My older son was entering the terrible teens. You would think a 14 year age difference would mean no sibling rivalry. Not true. He was horribly jealous of the money and attention I spent on the baby. He was mad because we were broke again. His hormones were screaming and his father was pretty much dragging me thru the dirt at every opportunity. I had hoped his father would be there for him more once we moved to Plano where he was already living. That wasn't the case. If anything he made him more hurt and angry.

I had horrible guilt and spoiled my older son. I got him a cell phone and a car. He needed to stay in contact with me and needed to be able to drive to work when he got his license. I bought him a '67 Mustang from a close friend. He took it out before he got his license and wrecked it. Thanks, I needed that!

TMI 49 But is isn't over

I thought things would finally be over. I did eventually start sleeping better and felt a tremendous relief that he wouldn't be around to break in and steal things or just destroy things.

I had the marriage voided. Since I was never legally married I couldn't get a divorce. It still cost me quite a bit of money. I wanted Dennis's parental rights to Noah terminated. The courts wouldn't do that. Dennis got joint custody. I was floored. I got sole conservatorship. It still didn't seem right. He got supervised visitation.

I began to understand this would NEVER be over.

I hadn't started to heal. I had a tremendous amount of guilt. How could I have chosen a pedophile to be the father of my son. I had cheated him of a normal family and of ever having a father to love him as only a father can.

Shortly thereafter, I changed jobs. I got a huge pay raise and moved to Plano from Grand Prairie. I was committed to starting a new life and starting one where he couldn't easily find me. His letters were weird and there were veiled threats.

TMI Pity

I don't want pity. I just want to be able to help someone else and I want to understand how I let this happen. I am okay. My kids are okay. I weathered the storm. What ever else you feel for me DO NOT FEEL PITY.

This is in fact a story of success. I made it thru. I came out on the other side changed but intact. Life does go on.

TMI 48 The Therapists

I tried therapists. I had seen therapists in the past. I grew up in a home with a paranoid schizophrenic mother and had my share of dysfunction. I thought at first I needed to see a therapist that had a Christian background. Dennis had an associate degree in theology and when he would get drunk he would insist he was a prophet coming to announce the second coming of Christ. I wasn't buying that but I did have a problem with God letting this happen to me and to his other family. I finally came to believe that regardless of what else happened, this was all a part of God's plan.

Incidentally, the therapists I saw this time were full of shit. None had close to the experiences I had and were horribly patronizing. I felt worse after seeing them each time. I finally quit going.

I had desperately wanted another baby. I had found a man that would gladly give me one. The was a little girl out there that didn't have the strength to testify against her abusive father. I saved her from having to do that but ended up making sure he got his due.

I felt horribly guilty I left those kids with the mother that knew this had been going on for at least 3 to 4 years and turned a blind eye. I investigated trying to get custody and was told I didn't have a leg to stand on. I worried about those kids. I finally let them go in my mind. I couldn't save the world and I had done the best I could.

I had my own kids to take care of and no one was going to help me. I didn't have a church like the other wife did and I had to work full time to support my kids. I had to get my shit together and take care of them because no one else would. I hadn't spoken to my parents in a year and wouldn't speak to them for 3 more. My sister ceased all contact with me and still does not speak to me to this day.

Somewhere in the pits of despair. I decided to be a Phoenix that rose from the ashes. That which does not kill us does not always make us stronger. Sometimes it just leaves scar tissue.

I was bitter and alone. I rallied my forces and concentrated on raising my kids. I didn't have much choice.

TMI 47 Broken Hearted and Betrayed

I have no words to describe what happened to me after Dennis went to prison and I realized he had been guilty all along. I wish I could put it into words but there is no good way to describe it. I have been suicidal in the past but it was nothing like this. Thank God, I had my sons to keep me going.

Dennis wrote me letters. I never answered one. I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing I got them and read them. They cut me to the quick and they left me emotionally bleeding and afraid of him. Worst of all, I had lost all confidence in myself. How could I have been so wrong? How could I have loved a monster?

The thought of sex in any form made me physically ill. I was sure I would be celibate the rest of my life. I had zero sex drive. I have in the deepest depression of my life. My parents and I were on the outs and they knew nothing. My sister wasn't speaking to me. My brothers hadn't been told. I felt totally alone. I hurt so bad.

I had taken a Myers-Briggs personality test several years ago and had been an EFNP. I had to take it again. This time I was an ISTJ. I didn't know who I was anymore. I hated everything. I had such guilt. I hated the other wife. I hated everything but my sons.

TMI 46 I love Probation Officers and Cops

I filed complaint after complaint about Dennis. He kept breaking in and generally trying to terrorize me. I don't terrorize easily.

The finally felt they had enough to revoke his probation. The Assisant DA came to meet me. I took the baby and met with her at a Denny's near my house. I liked her. She was smart and strong and in many ways like me. She had a miserable job. I gave her every bit of info I could.

I was nuts back then. I had lived thru so much and had been so emotionally and physically abused that I was not in my right mind. I loved Dennis. I really did. Or at least I loved who I thought he really was. It was killing me to try to send him to prison. Why wouldn't he just let go of me?

The Asst. DA wanted me at the revocation hearing in case she needed me to testify. I was a basket case that day. I locked my keys in my car and then got lost on the way. I got there and Dennis was on the stand. LYING HIS ASS OFF!

His mother and brother from Arkansas were there along with a man I didn't recognise. I felt so badly for them.

Dennis got caught in a lie on the stand. I did not get called after that.

The judge after hearing all arguments, looked Dennis straight in the eye and said

"I have give you chances and the benefit of the doubt I have not given most people. You have had a tremendous amount of people really trying to help you. You have chosen, by your actions to throw that all away. I sentence you to 10 years in the Texas State Correctional Institutions" That is not verbatim but the best of my recollections. I was floored. I figured he would get 18 months tops. I cried and told him I was sorry and that I loved him. He shouted at me that it was all my fault and that he hated me. I just cried.

I met his mother and brother and the other guy outside. They needed to get a U-haul to get his things and put them in "storage in Arkansas" They never ask if I needed anything. They did introduce me to the other guy. He was a friend Dennis went to school with they brought as a character witness. The mother was devastated. She knew he was innocent. I agreed with her but told her he was an alcoholic. The friend from school looked at us both and said "No, Dennis is guilty, he admitted it to me last night."

I almost threw up. I had an hour and a half drive home. I cried all the way. I went and go the baby from the daycare and hugged him and just cried until I didn't have any more tears.

Dennis's family never ask if I needed anything. I have never heard from them since. Not a card for Noah on his birthday or Christmas.

3 days after his revocation, Dennis called me collect from the Wise County jail. I accepted the charges thinking he was finally going to come clean and apologize. WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I WAS A TOTAL IDOIOT!! He wanted me to send him money. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


YAH RIGHT!!! He was ORDERING ME to send him money. He hasn't even paid his child support. I had no words.


He tried calling again over the next few weeks. I didn't accept the charges.

TMI 45 The Straw that Broke the Camels Back and Beyond

Dennis started sending me nasty emails. He would go out of his way to make sure he would pass me as I was coming home from work and he was going to work and would point his finger at me like a gun and then "pull the trigger"

When calling me at home quit working, he started calling me at work. Cubicals are not the place to have the kind of discussions we would have. I would hang up on him and he would call back immediately and I couldn't let a business phone just ring and ring like that. One day he got mad and called my company's head office in Houston and told them I had called him and made a death threat. I didn't. I still got reprimanded. He was trying to get me fired so I would need him to support me. AS IF!!

I filed another complaint with the Probation Officer. I got an attorney and got a protective order after he threatened my son while I wasn't at home.

He broke in and stole all my tax returns, social security cards for the kids, birth certificates. All my legal documents. I called the police when I got home and discovered it. They wouldn't come out to the house because he had once lived there. They felt it was just a vindictive attempt on my part and something we needed to handle privately. I wasn't amused. If I had been home or my son had when he had been there it would have been a different matter. He wasn't though.

I went storming over to his apartment to get my stuff back. He was doing his homework for his sex offender therapy. I read it. He talked about fondling his daughters breast. I was physically ill. He said he had to make something up so they thought he was cooperating. I didn't really buy it at this point but still didn't see him as a pedophile he was really more of a drunk in my opinion.

TMI 44 The 7th Level of Hell

I didn't really think that Dennis had reoffended. I thought that Dennis had done things like be in the house with my teenager without supervision so that when they ask him if he had offended he had guilt and that is what came thru. To this day, I still believe that. The part about the test that is. I don't think he reoffended while on my watch.

Dennis called me at work after I had spoke to his Probation Officer. He didn't know I had called him but I told him I did and that he needed to be gone before I got home. I also told him that his Probation Officer was looking for him since they had been trying to contact him and hadn't been able to.

I got home and Dennis was gone. I should have changed the locks then but I didn't. Boy was I dumb. He moved into a Days Inn just up the street. He called me and ask me to come see him. I left the baby with the teenager and went. I told him it was over. He insisted it wasn't. He tried all of his old tricks. I wasn't buying it. I went home.

This went on for about 2 weeks. I tried to help him get an apartment and get out of my life. He finally got one. I had the locks changed. He broke into my house and stole my dog because I wouldn't talk to him. He was going to MAKE me talk to him. I called the Probation Officer. I called Dennis and told him I called the Probation Officer. This scenario went on with differing variations for weeks.

TMI 43 The Lull and the Real Beginning of the End

Dennis was working and drinking pretty much whenever he wasn't working. I wasn't working and I wasn't. He was back to making about $120k a year. We still had his credit card debt, his new minivan, my car, my credit cards, and the house to pay in addtional to utilities and etc and his $2k/month in child support. I was covering my bills and the house payment and my car payment with my severance and day trading. I had gotten pretty good at day trading and at that time the market was hot.

I was getting sick of the drinking but we had grown into a rut that wasn't nearly as bad as before. I managed Dennis and his drinking. My friends had pretty much had it with him and with me. I fought with my closest friends for the first time in my life. I just wanted him to wake up and see what he was doing. I just knew if he knew how much he was hurting himself and everyone else he would be highly ashamed and embarrassed. I kept waiting for him to get to that point. I was just sure he would. My older sons were disgusted with me. Dennis wasn't getting better.

In late January of 1999, I got a call from a headhunter about a job. I called a friend who worked at the company and they put in a good word for me. I was sure I had the job before I interviewed. I was a perfect fit and they needed me and I knew it. The commute would be a killer. I had to go from one side of Dallas to the direct opposite every morning and evening during rush hour. It would usually be a 2 hour commute each direction due to traffic and having to drop the baby off at daycare.

They offered me the job. I visited my friend in California and took the baby with me. My older son went to stay with his Dad and older brother. I was gone for a week. I came back and had a week before I started working.

The closer I got to having to start work, the madder I got. I was going to have to leave my baby in daycare while his 3 half brothers and 1 half sister got a stay at home Mom. On top of it all, they were still not divorced so my marriage was still not legal. Dennis was still drinking. He had to take a lie detector test as part of his sex offender therapy. He was sweating bullets. I thought it was because he was drinking and was afraid they would ask that. He was still taking some mood altering prescription drugs in what he claimed was an attempt to quit drinking YAH RIGHT!

I was still at home the day he went to take the lie detector test. He dosed himself up on Buspar pretty good before going because he was so nervous. That drug is supposed to help you lie on a lie detector test I found out later.

He came home and told me the examiner said he passed with flying colors.

I was still not happy. I sent an email to his other wife and to him and gave them an ultimatium. They get the divorce overwith or Dennis moved out. I was not going to continue to manage him and a baby and etc while I got nothing. I wanted a legal marriage. I gave them 30 days to settle it.

The response wasn't what I was hoping for. I started work. I was mad but making it. On my third day of my new job, Dennis called me drunk and told me I had to get home right away and wouldn't give me any more explanation. I let my boss know and headed home.

Dennis had gotten the results of the lie detector test and had failed. It indicated that he had reoffended. I was floored. I told him to get out. He was totally drunk and refused. I packed up the kids and went to a motel. I called his probation officer in the morning and told him I was not going to be his chaperone any longer and that I wanted him OUT of my house before I got home.