Seasonal Headaches

Every year about this time, I get a headache that lasts about a month or month and a half. It varies from annoyance to full blown barfing migraine.

It has started again. I forgot it was the time of year for it until I realized I had had a headache for a week. Motrin will help for a bit but as soon as it wears off, the headache is back. I do Imitrex when it gets too bad. I hate taking it though as it makes me sleepy.

I have had cat scans and etc and they can't figure out why I get these headaches at this time of year.

My Mom thinks it is because it is Band Contest time and when I was in school I would be really stressed and pushed getting ready for Contest. Mostly this time of year was Solo and Ensemble Contest. She may have a point. I don't really remember but I fer sure have the headaches.

On a brighter note

I did my taxes and filed them. I am getting $160 back.

I remembered to send off my Minpin's AKC paperwork.

I did NOT eat that honking big piece of cheesecake I took to the office for breakfast.

My friend Glenda got a verbal job offer today. She hasn't worked in about a year. The job is a permanent job in Jacksonville, FL. She is getting $35k to relocate and sell her house and etc. Her salary will be almost $100K. I am so glad for her.

The Layoff Saga Continues Day 6

The people they laid off in my department are staying until 2/28. That means I have 4 more weeks with them.

Today, the buyer that did not get kept called me a brown nose and suck up and ass kisser in front of about 4 people. Needless to say, I wasn't pleased. She called me that because we were on a conference call with the Czech Republic. It was pretty much over. A guy from my new department came over to ask for help on something that I have a lot of experience with. The bosses boss that is staying was on the phone from Italy and they were trying to fix it and needed my help. As I got off the other phone call, she started in.

She got quite vulgar and quite nasty. Then she came back and ask me if I was mad. I said no, I was really more hurt. She started in again. I told her I wasn't going to discuss it and if she needed to feel that way about me she was more than welcome to.

I thought about going to HR. They would have walked her I think. I probably should have but I decided that the better part of valor here was to just brush it off since she would be gone in a month. It will be a LONG month.

Stress

I am a mess. I haven't been this much of a mess in a while. I really wish I could just live a boring stable uneventful life.

Not much chance of that.

I am more depressed than I have been in a very long time. I am considering therapy again but am feeling like most therapists don't really have a clue. I think my problem is hormones plus situations.

Why can't I just have a somewhat normal life?

The Layoff Saga Continues

Today, the client pitched a major fit and told my company they would pull the account if they went thru with all the changes.

My company offered the other buyer in my department that they laid off, a job over in the department they are moving me to At least, that is what she says. I don't understand why they didn't do it up front like they did me. She claims she isn't taking the job. She would rather not have one than stay. I suppose it is possible but I can't imagine it. Her husband makes a potload of money so I guess it is possible.

My boss is networking right and left. He isn't doing a bit of real work. I can't say I blame him.

My new boss to be is giving me work to do now even though I am swamped with the old client. I am stressed to the max.

I need to get serious and start working out and get my stuff together.

Am I a Suck Up?

I really worry about that. I don't think I am. I think I am just a person that insists on honesty and integrity in work. That tends to endear me to people above me that are competent. It pisses off the ones that aren't.

I have to admit though. After the layoff, with me being kept and the others let go, I kind feel like I must be a suck up. I didn't consciously suck up. In fact, I went out of my way to me brutally honest with the people that fought to keep me. I am hoping that is why they did. However, I have a tremendous amount of guilt.

I tend to have a problem with tact. I always have and I have been working on it. I still tend to call things as I see them. I think I tend to be very politically perceptive in office situations. Probably because I have been thru some humdingers.

I hate going into work tomorrow either way.

When I was an Army Officer and I had to reprimand or discipline people that worked for me it emotionally and physically devestated me. I hated being the one to enforce rules. I felt more angry that I had been put in the position to have to than angry at the actual offense. That is why I really don't want to be a manager anymore. I don't need the stress.

One day after the layoffs

Well, today was interesting. My boss is losing it. He didn't seem to have a good grip on reality before but now he seems to have severed all ties.

I am excited. My new job is going to offer a lot of room for growth. They kept me specifically for some special tasks they had in mind.

I am feeling pretty pleased with myself. The client I am leaving loves me and is less pissed off than before because I will be available to transition things to Mexico.

I am trying to be humble at work and think I am pulling it off so far. I am still scared that I could get cut loose too at any time but think I am probably in good standing right now.

And then, the other shoe dropped

Today, I am sitting at work and feeling really uneasy because of the layoffs yesterday. I feeling just sure that they will move my position to Mexico. The only question really seems to be when and how long do I have?

At lunch time, the HR lady comes and asks me to follow her. I go with her just knowing I am getting laid off. She says "Oh no, this is not bad news." I follow her into a conference room where my boss is sitting. The other guy I used to work for and really liked is also sitting there along with the HR lady and they have my bosses boss that just got let go on the phone.

Seems they are moving my whole department to Mexico. I am being kept and moved to another department but everyone else in the department is getting laid off. I am at once both relieved, estatic I still have a job and sad that the others won't. I am also mad. They are keeping them for a month to do a transition then I go on to the other client and the others go home.

More Layoffs

We had another round of layoffs today at work. It is always gutwrenching. If you go you are just sick. If you stay you feel guilty somehow. Most of the people laid off today were in our Telford, England site. I can understand. It is poorly managed but somehow it doesn't make anything any easier. No one from my office went today but some from our division at other locations did. None were really a big surprise but then again if they shutdown my whole department it wouldn't be a surprise. I guess I have been thru too many layoffs to be surprised anymore.

It is very depressing and humbling. It makes you angry too. Competition for jobs and business is so tight now I don't have any patience with people that don't do their jobs. No company can afford that luxury anymore.

I am a wuss!

CONDOLEESA is a Giant Moth that fires Rockets, Fears Nothing, and is Undead. Strength: 2 Agility: 6 Intelligence: 5 To see if your Giant Battle Monster can defeat CONDOLEESA, enter your name and choose an attack: fights CONDOLEESA using Strength Agility Intelligence

My Chemistry Prof

I had a chemistry Prof in college that only wore black. He kept his head shaved and he was weird as hell. Everyone thought he was a Satanist. That was the rumor. I found out later, that he actually was color blind and a bachelor so he only bought black so no matter what he wore it would match.

He reminded me of the weird preacher in Poltergist 3. He really was a nice man though and very bright. I think if he had been a professor anywhere but that small college in Eastern Kentucky he would have been a lot less derided.

Ranting and Raving

I love my job.

My boss pisses me off to no end.

I have a thing about honor, honesty, integrity and ethics.

I have a problem with ethics vs. morality.

I could never be a lawyer.

Wannabe's and Hasbeen's piss me off. We are all wannabe's and hasbeen's about something though right?

Jesse Jackson

Darryl Hammond doing Jesse Jackson on SNL is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time.

The whole opening skit is hysterical.

TMI 67 Where I am going

Well, what am I going to do now?

I am 45 years old.

I have been married too many times to men I ended up supporting both emotionally and financially. I have grown sons and a 7 year old. The 7 year old takes 100% of my non-working life.

Financially, I am starting over. I own my own home, in my name only. This is the 4th house I have purchased all by myself. My car is finally paid for so I have a house payment and utilities and food. I had to file bankruptcy to be able to cover those bills.

I need a job that pays more and that has a bit more security. I live in fear that my job will be exported to Mexico. It is hard to compete with that cheap labor.

I love my job in many ways though. I am able to work from home when Noah is off most of the time. Summers are too long to try that but all other holidays seems to be a go. I hold my department together. I love what I do and I am very very good at it. I really need more money though. I am barely making it. The problem is that the higher paying jobs require more of my time and give less flexibility on work hours and etc. Many require overnight travel and as a single Mom, that is difficult.

I would love to find someone to walk beside me thru life. I have pretty much given up on that happening though. I can live with that, it is just a really lonely feeling. All in all though, it beats carrying someone else all the time.

TMI 66 Where I am today

Today, I am mostly recovered. I still bear scars. I am financially challenged by having to support my son with no financial assistance.

I am mostly happy. I am lonely and I have some days where I feel sorry for myself.

But, I have a beautiful healthy son that is at the top of his classes in school. He is well adjusted and has a good moral sense. He is a kid so he makes mistakes but he definitely is capapble of guilt and remorse. I worried that he wouldn't be and that he would be like his father in that. He isn't like that though. He has a strong sense of right and wrong and while he is a kid and sometimes chooses the easy way vs. the right way. He knows the difference and is protective and supportive of those smaller and less powerful than he is.

I have made sure that he won't be the typical child of a convict father. He wants to be a Navy Pilot. I think he will make it.

TMI 65 Healing

The time from January 2005 til now was a time for healing and forgiveness. I learned to forgive myself for marrying such losers. I forgave Dennis because he is not capable of being anything other than he is.

I learned that being mad or hurt doesn't make a difference and only affects me and the people that have to be around me.

I learned that bad things happen to good innocent people. Sometimes the good and innocent people can learn from it.

I learned that I am incredibly strong and I don't have to be defined by my mistakes but by my capacity to forgive and thrive anyway.

I learned you can forgive without allowing yourself to be that vulnerable again.

I learned that I am smart even if I have made some poor choices.

I learned that there are people in this world that will love me regardless of where I have been because where I have been affects me but doesn't define me. I am who I choose to be.

I have learned that if you tell someone you were once married to a pedophile, they usually treat you like you were the pedophile. Somehow, you get the guilt and blame associated with you. That or they pity you so much they can't look you in the eye anymore.

I learned that if you don't tell people you were married to a pedophile, they won't ever guess it in a million years.

I learned that life goes on. It isn't any fairer or easier but no matter what, it goes on and you can go with it or get left behind. It is ultimately up to you.

Funny cause it is my birthstone

Your Gemstone is Ruby

Daring, ethusiastic, and spontaneous. You are energetic and passionate, with an appetite for life.

What Gemstone Are You?

After Christmas Blues

Not sure what is up.

I had a bad cold but am getting over it.

I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it is a train coming. My friend Janice said that she and my friend Randy needed to be my light at the end. She can't be and neither can he. They both are married and have families.

I walk thru the tunnel and I don't stop. Even when I am tired and depressed, I don't stop. I am tired of walking alone. I keep walking for Noah. My friends walk with me for short distances and help with the load for brief periods of time but the truth is I really walk alone. Even when I was married I walked alone. I ended up carrying my husbands. Is it so much to ask to have someone just walk with me. They don't have to carry my load or anything. I just want someone to walk with.

Man, I sure can be full of self pity.

Code of Conduct

Code of Conduct

"I am an American fighting man. I serve in the forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense."

"I will never forget that I am an American fighting man, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America."...

BlackHawk Down

I am watching it again. If you have never seen it, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, watch it. If you doubt our presence in Iraq, please watch it. It doesn't explain why we are there. It doesn't need to. We are there. Support them. Watch it and try to understand.

Soldier's Creed

The Soldier's Creed:
I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States and
live the Army Values.
I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

I can't win

Do you ever get depressed then feel guilty because you are?

I think I have been wallowing in self pity. My life is really pretty good and sure could be a whole lot worse. I just spend too much time wishing for things I probably can't have.

I think that before we get born, we sit down with God and figure out our lesson plan for this life. We know what choices we will be faced with in order to learn what we need to learn. I think I wanted to not be bored. I still don't want to be bored. I can honestly say of all the ways you could describe my life, boring would not be one. Sometimes, I would trade the excitment for more security. I think though if I had it, I would find a way to make it exciting and less secure.

Must be a character flaw.

My Song to Strip to!

Your Stipper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears "I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it." You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

What Song Should You Strip To?

Communist!!

When I was in ROTC Advanced Camp in the summer between my Junior and Senior year of college, I had a First Sergeant that would get mad at us and call us Communists!

I thought that was hysterical. Rather than swear at someone or find another derogatory comment, I started calling people Communists, when I would get mad. That was 25 years ago and I still do it to this day. Communism is dead but the habit hasn't died.

My son was misbehaving a bit in Walmart this evening and I called him a Communist. The checkout clerk almost rolled in the floor. I had forgotten where I got it from but for some reason she brought it all back.

TMI 64 January 2005

In the meantime, there was a child support hearing with Dennis. I had to sit next to him in court and during mediation. I was scared and angry. He told me he had found God. I told him I had heard it before and that Noah couldn't eat that.

He got a court appointed attorney. I didn't get one.

The court appointed attorney was less than pleasant to me. I was the bad guy. The judge was less than kind to me. Obviously somewhere along the line, I must have commited a crime. Clearly, Dennis was the victim here. At least that was the way I was treated. Dennis was ordered to pay back child support but not anytime soon. His child support obligation was reduced. I really didn't care. I ask the judge to wipe out the debt but to terminate Dennis's rights. He said he couldn't do that. That my friend is justice. I cried in court. I cried all the way home. I was physically ill. I was angry. I was mad and hurt. None of that made a bit of difference.

TMI 63 September

September 2004 was also a bad month. I had Dr bills piling up. I no longer had a job. Quite unexpectedly, at least to me, all income from Jim's business ceased abruptly. Jim seemed unphased. We essentially had my unemployment and that was it to live on. It wouldn't begin to even cover the house payment.

Jim did not slow down his spending. He maxed out what he had remaining on his credit cards. I borrowed money from my parents because he "couldn't" from his. His daughter owed us money. His son owed us money. I cashed out the last of my 401K. It would carry us thru November. I was furiously looking for jobs. I interviewed a lot. Most didn't want to pay anything close to what I was making. Several offered me less than half my previous salary. I got an interview in Arkansas for a job that paid $75K. I flew to Arkansas for the interview.

I really didn't want to move again. I hated Arkansas and have for most of my life. Noah's daddy was from Arkansas and it just left a bad taste in my mouth.

In the meantime I got an interview with a company here in the DFW area. I went. I didn't think I had a snowball's chance in hell.

I got the offer from the job in Arkansas. It wasn't for the job I interviewed for but for another that only paid $65K annually. I didn't want to move for that. The other job here told me they would have an offer for me in 3 days. I waited on pins and needles. It finally came the day my answer was due to the job in Arkansas. It was SUBSTANTIALLY LESS than the offer in Arkansas. I would not have to move and sell a house and etc. I took the local job.

Jim was not working at all. He was drinking more and more. My patience was fraying. He refused flat out to find any form of a job. I was about at the end of my rope.

His daughter came to visit the first week in January. I didn't much care except I wouldn't be there to refree between the "guests" and Noah. I called home to check on Noah. He told me the stepgrandson got a knife from the kitchen and was poking him with it over a video game. The stepdaughter got on the phone with me and laughed about it. I was not amused. I ask to speak to Jim. I told him in no uncertain terms that this was not acceptable. He thought I was over-reacting. I was scared and livid. I left work. Went home. Got Noah and told him we were leaving and not coming back until everyone else was gone. We went to the neighbors and waited for about an hour. We returned and I told him he needed to move out that I had taken all I could. He agreed to be out in two weeks. It took closer to six. I was still glad he was gone.

TMI 62 The Fall

By fall, I had pretty much had it. I begged Jim to try to find a job on a daily basis. He refused stating he was too old to get a regular job. I told him he was too old to eat then. He wasn't amused. The marriage had pretty much failed. I was holding it together because I didn't really want another failed marriage. Noah was back in school. I had quite a few hours with my job but things were slowing down. My boss called me from Phoenix. They hired someone to replace me and they needed me to fly out and train her.

Now, to say I was not excited about training my replacement was an understatement. To say I was not excited about going back to Phoenix was also an understatement. But, I knew they had done well by me and had generally treated me honorably. I flew out and trained my replacement. Her favorite colors were short and tight. I understood what the sales guy saw in her. She was pretty smart but very young and very inexperienced. I had things set up so they were pretty much fool proof. I stayed a week and went home to job hunt.

The market was soft. I wanted too much money. My ex refused still to look for a job. Any job at all. He simply refused. Things got more tense. I really really began to resent him. His comment was that he was just a laid back guy and that things would work out. I agreed they would but not the way he imagined.

TMI 61The Summer

Noah wore the cast for an additional 4 weeks after the surgery. I hadn't seen the arm since there was a cast over the pins. Once the cast was on, he had no pain. He was mad he couldn't swim or the other things he wanted to once school was out. He got the cast off in late June. They pulled the pins out then. I thought they would be small stainless steel pins. They looked more like cut up coat hangers. They pulled them out with pliers. He cried. He took it a lot better than I would. His muscles had atrophied. I had to do physical therapy on him 6 times a day. It was more painful than pulling the pins out. He cried a lot.

The thoughts of divorce had been waylaid in my concern for Noah. I tried to help my ex start a handy man business. I put in a lot of hours doing marketing and sales. I got him several jobs. I ended up helping since most jobs were not one man jobs. He wanted to start around 10 Am and finish up for the day around 2 PM. You can't make a living doing that and people want home repairs and etc done quickly. He was embarrassing me in his poor work ethic. I ended up doing the lion's share of the work. I am consequently a great painter and great at wallpaper and stonework. I would work 20 hour days. He went home and drank beer.

I was again losing my patience.

TMI 60 The Spring

The Spring went okay. We were broke but making the bills. The marriage was strained. I felt very used and angry. My ex just seemed to be happy with me shouldering all the responsibilities. I wasn't happy and told him so. I was ready to get a divorce.

My son was in kindergarten. It was nearing the end of the school year and his birthday. He was getting very excited. My ex's business hadn't gone tit's up yet but was definitely in death throes. He was bringing home about $1K per month before taxes. He wasn't doing much to earn that. I felt he needed to be looking for a new business or a new job. He wasn't interested.

My son went to school on his birthday. He was very excited. I had to go into the local office that day but was home by noon. The phone rang at 1PM. It was the school nurse. My son had fallen off teh monkey bars at school and they thought maybe he had broken his arm. GREAT! We had no health insurance. I struggled with what to do. He was in a lot of pain and my family doctor was off that day. I took him to the local ER. They charged me $1K for the ER alone to tell me that yes his arm was broken but they couldn't fix it and he needed to see a specialist. (The ER doc and the radiologist both charged about another $1K each) They referred me to one locally. We rushed over to see her. She charged me $350 to tell me she couldn't touch it either and that he needed to see a pediatric orthopedic surgeon. We made the appointment for the next morning.

The pediatric orthopedic surgeon saw him and said he definitely needed surgery and that if he didn't get it, he would lose the use of his left arm entirely. I cried. I cried a lot. I cried because my son hurt. I cried because I felt so helpless. We scheduled the surgery for the following Monday. The surgery was $17K. He had pins in his elbow and a cast on his arm. The school had no liability insurance and in Texas it is against the law to sue a school. I felt then and still feel the school was negilgent in not having better safety measures in place. It made no difference.

TMI 59 February 2004 was a BAD month

It started out okay. I was getting more hours at work and things were settling down.

One morning we get a call. The gentleman that was the direct contact for my husband's business with his main customer had had a heart attack and died during the night. The business died with him. It was just a bit slower death.

The step daughter that had been living with us with her kids informed us she was coming to get her furniture and etc. Could we please pack everything up for her? I wasn't thrilled with the idea of packing for someone else when I had no clue what they wanted to keep or get rid of. I ended up starting in her daughter's room. The more time I spent in there the more pissed off I got. There was gum stuck in my new carpet, there was spray paint on the walls, there were holes in the walls, there were my dishes and food and general trash. There was all kinds of stuff that just had no business in there. I stayed mad for a while. I started on the boys room. It was just more of the same. I packed up her kitchen stuff and left her room for her to manage.

She arrived with not only the convict husband but the convict husband's father. Both were real prizes. I didn't want them in my house. She hadn't ask and I felt trapped and used. I told my husband. He felt I was out of line. The daughters stepson and her kids bullied Noah and my pets while they were here. They took hand tools and tossed them into the swimming pool. The hid my sons toys from him. I was very glad to see them go.

My husband didn't tell me his business was failing but I had a feeling. I tried to encourage him to take steps to not just let it slip away. He was immobile. I was pissed but figured he must know what he was doing. He did. He figured I would support us all.

TMI 58 Work and the Business

I was working from home but I wasn't getting many hours. I still had a little room on my credit cards and I was anxiously trying to get a job. The market was really tight though. We were struggling along but managing to meet the bills.

My husband wanted to buy stuff. Mostly tools and lawn equipment and etc. We had separate credit cards and while I told him it wasn't a good idea to spend so much I felt like I couldn't tell him how to spend his money.

The daughter and kids moved out shortly before Christmas. I was VERY relieved. Her kids were good when she wasn't around but the minute she was, they turned into conniving little monsters.

As it turns out, the man she married was not only just out of rehab but also just out of prison. Seems he was a crack dealer. Of course according to her, he was totally reformed. I called "bullshit"

Life got a little better. I was getting more hours and Jim's business was doing okay. I stayed out of his business because he had managed it for 15 years without me and I figured he knew what he was doing. Again, I was an idiot.

TMI 57 Finally Home

We moved back to Texas the week before Halloween. We got the home office set up in the main living room. The daughters little girl had one bedroom, the daughters son and Noah shared another and she took the family room as her bedroom. When she was home she slept. She worked as a waitress and was gone by the time the kids got home from school. Guess who ended up taking care of the kids? I didn't mind as long as the kids all got along and as long as we shared the work. I did all the laundry all the cooking all the cleaning. I made sure the kids got their homework done and their baths.

She didn't like what I cooked for them or pretty much anything I did. Mostly, she and her kids were mean to Noah. Noah, even though he has a lot of brothers and sisters essentially has been raised as an only child. He is generally well behaved and shares well and doesn't bully. He had never been exposed to kids ganging up on him and he had no clue how to deal with. I tried to be patient but in my own home my patience grew thin. My husband was no support what so ever and let his daughter take full advantage of us. I tried to help her I really did, but she didn't want my help. She ended up taking her kids out of school for weeks at a time to go visit her friends in Missouri. They all had drug problems and were in and out of rehab and she was trying to be there for them. I felt like she needed to worry more about her kids than her druggie friends. I kept my mouth shut though. It was selfish but I was glad when they would go so I would have a little peace. She went up right after Christmas to see an old boyfriend that was getting out of drug rehab. He was out 2 days when they got married. I didn't much care but she wanted to bring him to Texas to stay in my home. I put my foot down. My husband was pissed. He thought I was being unfair. I got the cold shoulder from both of them. I just didn't want a druggie around my son. I didn't want him to think that was acceptable behavior.

TMI 56 The Return to Texas

September and October of 2003 was very busy.

I received a letter from Victims Services that Dennis was being released. I called and found out that he would be going to a halfway house for sex offenders in El Paso. He was released on Oct 10, 2003 after serving just over 4 years of a 10 year sentence. As terms of his parole, he would have to get a job, stay in the halfway house until he saved $2k so he could get an apartment and etc. He would also have to register as a sex offender until his original sentence was completed. After that, he would be free and clear. LOVELY!

I was making arrangements to move back to Texas to my new husbands home. He had moved his daughter into my house and she had in turn moved in roommates (without my permission I might add) the roommates brought a dog and a cat.

I was again sorting and throwing things away to make the move as light as possible. I made arrangements to get Noah withdrawn from school and made arrangements to be able to work from home in Texas.

The first of October, Jim sent me an email telling me he had gotten eviction papers from his ex wife and she was insisting on taking the house we had planned on living in back even though she hadn't been in it in 12 years and he "believed" she had given it back to him. I wasn't very happy. I was leaving my full time job for a part time job with no benefits and now I had no place to live.

After much discussion, and the confession by my new husband that his daughter was in fact unable to pay the rent on my house, we decided to move back in there and allow her to live with us until she found something she could afford.

That was the first of many mistakes. Starting a marriage while supporting a grown child with 2 children of her own puts a lot of stress on the new marriage.

My Sister again

I didn't send the card yet but I will. Part of me really thinks I shouldn't. She has been pretty adamant about not contacting us and the times I would call her when I did have her phone number, she would always refuse to talk to me.

I think she stays away because of guilt. I understand guilt. I have my own share. I did learn though that regardless of what happens and whatever I have done. I am human and humans make mistakes.

My sister

My older sister is a doctor. I haven't spoken to her in 6 years. Her birthday is Friday.

She refuses to talk to anyone in the family. I miss her.

I want to send her a card but she has really tried to cut off all contact with us. I am really want to send her a card and just tell her I love her and miss her and am thinking about her and if she doesn't want to talk to me it is okay, that I still love her.

Maybe that is selfish.

I am afraid it will upset her.

I love her and I want her to know that. I don't know how to tell her without hurting her.

Andrea Yates

What she did was a terrible thing.

I think the saddest part is that people can't see that she was backed into a corner. It does not excuse what she did. It was horrendous.

I don't believe for one minute that she didn't love her kids. I think she was just a very sick puppy that her doctors and husband and social services let down.

I don't think she should be free. I think the death penalty would be the kindest thing for her.

I think her husband and doctor share her guilt.

Nancy Grace

I don't like her. I don't watch her. She irritates the shit out of me.

The Mirror of Erised

In the Harry Potter books, there is a mirror called "The Mirror of Erised" it shows you your hearts desire. It shows you neither knowledge or truth. The story is that men can spend whole life times looking at it and forget to live. I think a lot of us end up doing that.

There is wisdom in strange places.

Suicide attempts - Man is this Morbid

Having been suicidal much of my life, I know something about it.

There are two type of people that attempt suicide.

There are those that are making a cry for help and attention and do not really want to die.

Then there are those of us that REALLY genuinely believe that there has to be something better than this and really want to die and end the pain of existence.

The second category scares the psychiatrists a lot more. I don't fear death. Then again, I don't think suicide is a good thing. I think I am here on this earth to learn something and if I am still alive then I am not done learning it. I don't want anyone in my family or any of my friends to die. Heck, I don't want most people to die. I do understand though being too tired and too heartsick to go on. I think you have to find a reason to make yourself go on even when you feel that way. I found that something. Everyone can't find it.

I don't think suicide is an unforgivable sin. I think it is usually very selfish. I also think God forgives us this sin.

I think it is usually a terrible waste.

I think because I don't fear death or dying, it makes me believe in the death penalty. I think it is a kindness and a way to end their suffering.

I am probably a really sick puppy.

For being such a sick puppy, I manage to do pretty well though.

I am sure anyone reading my journal thinks I am a total nutcase. I am sure I am. But, I am still smarter and more successful and a better parent than 90% of the world.

Just because I am depressed it doesn't mean I am not arrogant.

It happened again

Last week my company laid off 30 people. It is always a tough thing to go thru. Today, the IT guy came and told me that the guy named Roger in his department that got laid off last week shot himself over the weekend.

He had no children. He had no wife. I didn't know him well but he seemed like a great guy. I wouldn't date anyone from my office but I liked him and probably would have dated him. Now, he is dead.

Just because, I tried to kill myself OOOOONNNNEEEE TIME, they put me in a mental hospital!!

I tried to kill myself when I was 26 and in the Army. They took my clothes and my lighter. I would have to go to group therapy twice a week. Even though I was depressed. I was absolutely one of the most sane people there including the staff and patients. Every once in a while we would get a patient that would come up with some really lame excuse as to why they were there. That is when I would bust out with my story.

Just because, I tried to kill myself OOOOONNNNEEEE TIME, they put me in a mental hospital. Can't a girl make one mistake??? I thought it was hysterical. Truth me known I caught the staff snickering more than once. They were highly embarrassed about getting caught. Just goes back to the old saying. If you can't take a joke.......

TMI 55 The Honeymoon

We didn't really have a Honeymoon but we did have a Honeymoon period. Jim would fly out every two or three weeks and it would be great. I was homesick for Texas so in August, I took vacation and flew back to stay with him for a week.

In the meantime, he moved his daughter and her two kids into my house and they were to rent it for $1k per month. He was living in the house he had purchased with his ex wife in Grapevine. He told me that she had gotten it in the divorce but that once her oldest son moved out, she let him have it and he made the payments and for all practical purposes, it was his and his name was still on the loan and the deed. The plan was for me to find a job back in Texas and move back an in with him in the house in Grapevine. It was much smaller than mine in Plano but that was okay. I didn't care, I just wanted to live with my husband and move back to Texas.

I really did care for Jim and was genuinely falling in love with him.

I approached my boss about moving back to Texas and working from home. He said no. I kept job hunting in Texas but the economy was soft and there just wasn't anything.

I kept after my boss and finally in September he agreed to let me move back. He would allow $2500 for the move and I was to work from home as a contractor and average 20 hours per week. It would be a huge pay cut and loss of benefits but with Jim's business and the savings in rent in Arizona I figured it would be a wash. At least I would be back in Texas and could look for a job from there.

TMI 54 The Wedding

We got married on July 3, 2003. I cried during the ceremony. It wasn't because I was so happy but because I was so afraid. I REALLY wanted this to work. I wasn't in love with him really but on a certain level, I did love him. I needed to not be alone in the world. He stayed 4 days and went home to Texas. I spent the next two weeks waiting for him to fly out again.

When he would come out, things would be great. We would go places and talk and spend time together. We had fun.

Noah wasn't impressed. His time as the sole focal point in my life was gone. He was angry and even more depressed than before. He liked Jim but he was jealous and felt left out. I did everything I could to make him feel a part of it all. It wasn't working.

I ask my boss to let me move back to Texas. My house still hadn't sold and was vacant again. I was bleeding money. Jim was not much help. He had his own business but it was only barely paying his bills. My boss said no to me moving back. I started job hunting in Texas again. I wanted to go home.

In the meantime, Dennis now had a release date from prison. I felt ill.

TMI 53 Settling in

The first few months in Phoenix were just plain scary. I was totally broke from making 2 house payments and getting new carpet and paint for the house in Plano I was trying to sell. I was living on $80/week for food, gas, and etc. It didn't leave much. We ate a lot of beans and popcorn and mac and cheese. I went to Thrift Stores for the stuff I needed that I didn't bring with me. I only moved about 2k lbs of stuff. If you have ever moved, you know that isn't much. We had no table to eat off of and mostly all we had were 2 TV's and a bed and dresser and desk. I did still have my computer. I got a phone for the house. I had to have one per the lease.

I didn't know anyone there. There was and Indian guy at work though and I had an Indian friend from another job previously and I ask the guy at my current office if he knew her because I knew she used to live in Phoenix. As it turns out, she was back living in Phoenix. I found her husband's name in the phone book and called and sure enough. It was them. I was so excited. We had been very close before and I now had a lifeline. Two weeks later, the Indian guy at work told me that the husband had died. I was crushed. I still hadn't managed to see my friend and now her husband was dead. I saw her for the first time in over 10 years at his funeral. It was heartbreaking and she was tied up with family and grief. I wouldn't see her again for several months.

In the meantime, my house wasn't selling and I was dipping into my 401K to make the payments. I was still living on $80/week for groceries and gas and etc and I was really depressed from being so poor.

My son was sad too. All his friends were gone and we were new in the neighborhood. We spent a lot of time at home watching videos we had already and what ever channels we could get on the TV without cable. I couldn't afford it.

I was homesick and he was homesick.

I started emailing and chatting with a friend that used to date another of my friends. He was a nice guy or seemed to be and we seemed to have quite a bit in common. I never got to know him much while I was in Texas because he dated my friend and it would just have been awkward. It was nice to have someone to talk to.

After a month, he flew out to visit. I wasn't real comfortable with it but I was so lonely I was agreeable. He was a nice guy.

He came out and immediately wanted to get involved. He hinted that before he flew out. I told him I wasn't interested in that but when he arrived it was hard to fight the courtship. I was so lonely. I didn't fall in love with him but I did really like him. After 4 days he flew home. When he got home, he ask me to marry him. I, of course said not only NO, BUT HELL NO!

I didn't want to be married. I didn't want to take a chance and fail again. Then he came up with a plan. He told me he would adopt Noah if we got married then we could easily terminate Dennis's parental rights. My attorney had told me that if I had someone willing to adopt Noah it would be a lot easier to get Dennis's rights terminated. I had mentioned that to Jim and he used it to encourage me to get married. I didn't want to and I told him so. He just kept pointing out how we could once and for all get Dennis out of Noah's life and get me back home to Texas. He was good to me too. He did things for me and generally tried to make my life easier. I thought long and hard and told him I was only doing it for Noah, that I did care for him but I really didn't want to be married. I just wanted to have Dennis's contact and rights to Noah terminated. I told him if he still wanted to get married under those circumstances I would. He was excited and made arrangements to fly out again so we could get married. I was terrified but figured I was going into this with my eyes open this time. ONCE AGAIN, I WAS AN IDIOT.

Ear Worm - Word Up

Yo, pretty ladies around the world
Gotta a weird thing to show you
So tell all the boys and girls
Tell your brother, your sister and your momma too
Were about to go down
And you know just what to do
Wave your hands in the air like you don’t care
Glide by the people as they start to look and stare
Do your dance, Do your dance
Do your dance quick, mom

[Chorus:]
C’mon baby tell me what’s the word
Now, word up
(ahh ahh)
Everybody say
When you hear the call you got to get it under way
Word up
(ahh ahh)
It’s the call, word
No matter where you say it
You know that you’ll be heard

Now all you sucker DJs
Who think you’re fly
There’s got to be a reason
And we know the reason why
You try to put on those airs
And act real cool
But you got to realize
That you’re acting like fools
If there’s music, we can use it
Be free to dance
We don’t have the time for psychological romance
No romance, no romance
No romance for me, mom

[Chorus:]
C’mon baby tell me what’s the word
Now, word up
(ahh ahh)
Everybody say
When you hear the call you got to get it under way
Word up
(ahh ahh)
It’s the call, word
No matter where you say it
You know that you’ll be heard
(woo!)

[Bridge:]
Word up
(ahh ahh)
Everybody say
When you hear the call you got to get it under way
Word up
(ahh ahh)
It’s the call, word
No matter where you say it
You know that you’ll be heard

Word up
(ahh ahh)
Everybody say
When you hear the call you got to get it under way
Word up
(ahh ahh)
It’s the call, word
No matter where you say it
You know that you’ll be heard

TMI Phoenix

I hated Phoenix. I tried to like it, I really did. I am a gardener by nature. Things will grow in Phoenix. However, they won't grow without a tremedous amout of water. I got discouraged.

I found a house that was 1050 Sqft to rent. I put my house here on the market. I was ready to let go and never look back. Fortunately, Texas wasn't ready to let go of me.

My house here didn't sell. It did eventually rent to the tenants from hell. I was horribly lonely and depressed.

My older sons refused to speak to me. I felt lost.

TMI 52 The Sex Offender Treatment Course

After talking extensively with Victims Services, I was told that Dennis would only be released after he had successfully completed a Sex Offender Treatment Program. The next one didn't start for 6 months and it lasted about 18 months. The earliest he could be released was Oct 2003. At the time it was around December 2001. I had two years to worry about it.

I settled into a routine of trying not to fight with my teenager. I tried to make enough to pay the bills and take care of the baby. I was still really angry and generally distrustful. I took another Myers Briggs Personality Test and I was now an ESTJ. At least I was back to being my extroverted self. I didn't hate men. I just didn't trust them anymore. I did manage to trust those I had known before I met Dennis.

I hadn't dated and really wasn't interested in dating. Then, the man I had genuinely been in love with for the last 15 years came back into my life. I didn't want to be in love with him again. I fought it, I really did. When it comes to him, I have self control. What I don't have is the ability to control my emotions. I had been so alone and so betrayed and when he came back, I realized that I was capable of loving again. Hell, I hadn't ever quit loving him even when I am not sure he deserved it. Until he came back, the thought of sex made me ill. I had these pictures of Dennis fantasizing about little girls while he was with me and it just made me ill. When the guy I had been in love with came back, I knew he wasn't thinking about little girls but about me. For the first time in a long time, I had a sex drive again. He was back only briefly though and I quickly went back into my routine of taking care of my kids and shutting off my sex life.

My oldest managed to graduate and move out in June. My company gave me a choice in July. Move to Phoenix or find other employment. I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO MOVE. I didn't see much choice. I moved. I cried while I was packing. I didn't want to move. I needed a job. In Sept 2002, I moved to Phoenix. At least it would be harder for Dennis to find us.

TMI 51 The Depression Years Phase 1 cont. THE DAY AFTER THE WRECK

I didn't sleep at all that night. I couldn't. I was too keyed up.

I got up the next morning, called the office, called the insurance company, called the car rental place.

A lady from work came and got me because I lived so close. The car rental place delivered to my work.

I drug thru the day. I got off and got the baby from daycare, dropped him again off at the neighbors and went to get the stuff out of the car.

I finally found the lot where it was towed to. Just looking at it made me cry. Not because I had no car but because I can't believe my son had been in there and lived. The front end of the car was smashed. Apparently on one of the flips, it came down nose first before flipping onto the back then front again then finally coming to rest upside down nose away from the street. The moon roof was open. The air bags had deployed. He had had his seatbelt on. The stitching on the seatbelt had torn down to the last row of stitches. I opened the driver's door to get out my stuff, CD's junk like that. It opened and closed perfectly. I couldn't believe it. I went around to the hatchback to get the baby's stroller out. The trunk opened and closed without a hitch even though it was badly disfigured. The stroller wasn't so lucky. The wheels had been horribly bent and it would never be usable again.

I went back, got the baby from the neighbors and went home and cried again. Then I fed us all and went to bed to finally sleep.

TMI 51 The Depression Years Phase 1 cont. THE WRECK

The police knocked at my door at 11:00 PM. I had been asleep with the baby who was now about 2 and a half. I knew when I heard the knock, it wouldn't be a good thing. I opened the door to a cop. Opening the door, to a cop, at 11:00 at night out of a sound sleep is never a good thing. The cop told me "Ma'am, we have been trying to call you but no one answered." (I didn't have a phone in the bedroom only in the kitchen). "Your son has been in a wreck but he is okay and we need you to come get him."

Suddenly, I was fully awake. He ask me if I would like to follow him. I told him I couldn't. My son had wrecked my only car. He said he would wait until I got dressed. I went in threw on some jeans and grabbed a blanket for the baby and the cop took me to the site of the wreck. I had a 2000 Acura Integra. They have a moon roof. My son had had it open. The cop drives me slowly by the car. It had some to rest upside down and had been stopped by a huge pile of dirt that had been moved for some construction. One headlight was still on. I will always remember seeing that car and wondering how my son was still alive. When I saw the car, I started crying silent tears.

We got to the gas station where my son had run to after he crawled out of the car to call me and the police. He was sitting in the back of an ambulance. The paramedics said that he seemed uninjured but that it might be a good idea to take him to a hospital to have him checked. From everything they could see, he was fine. He was shaken up but fine.

That was the last time I can remember my son hugging me and crying. The first words out of his mouth were "Mom I am so sorry I wrecked your car." I cried and told him it was just a car and I was just glad he was alive."

The cops give him a ticket for reckless driving. They couldn't prove speeding since they weren't there but the one cop said he had to be going over 100 MPH when he wrecked. They weren't very nice to him. I, for one, was glad. I was too glad he was alive to put the fear of God into him and the cops did that for me. I thanked them. I really do love Cops.

We got home and called his dad to let him know. The dad, of course, had to come see him to make sure he was okay. By this time, it was 1 AM. My ex was being an asshole to me in my house. I wasn't amused.

TMI 51 The Depression Years Phase 1

My teenagers hated me. My job wasn't what it was represented to me to be. I had zero growth potential. I didn't trust anyone anymore. I was working long hours and having to send my baby to daycare.

I was taking antidepressants but I was still depressed. I felt like a total failure. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

I get a letter from Victims Services telling me that Dennis is up for Parole. He has been in prison about 1 year. THIS HAS GOT TO BE A MISTAKE!! HE GOT 10 YEARS! IT HASN'T BEEN BUT ABOUT A YEAR!! I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach all over again. I was sure he was going to get out and come back and terrorize me again and try to steal Noah or something. He broke in and took my dog at one point after I had him move out the final time and I had to call his Probation Officer and throw a fit before he brought her back. As it was, she had jumped off the balcony of his second floor apartment and cost me $200 in vet bills when I got her back. I would not put him trying to steal Noah past him. After all, what did he have to lose?

I was a total hysterical wreck. I called my attorney and Victim's Sevices. I wrote letters to the Parole Board. I called the other wife (who incidentally never bothered to register with Victim's Services) and ask her to write letters and contact her attorney for advice and help. She had no idea he was up for parole so soon. I had no respect for her but I would have done anything at that point that was legal to keep Dennis in prison where he belongs.

Shortly afterward, I get another letter from Victim's Services. His Parole was granted.

I looked into moving to Germany. I looked into going into hiding. I was really really afraid. When I look back at so many things that happened during my time with Dennis, I realize I am lucky that my kids and I made it out alive. I am far enough away from the situation at this point to realize how blind I was and how taken in I was and how much in danger I was.

I was back to throwing up all the time. It was affecting my work. I couldn't let it do that. I had to feed my kids. I hadn't gotten a dime of child support since well before he went to prison.

I had to get my shit together again, figure out how to deal with this and TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS.

I finally allowed my middle son to get his driver's license after the incident with the Mustang. Less than a month later, he flipped my new and only car end over end 3 times less than 2 miles from my house. Thanks! I needed that!

TMI 50 Self Preservation

I finally had all of the mail from Dennis blocked. He couldn't write to me or my kids. At least that is what I ask for. Legally, I found I could not stop him from writing to Noah or to my sons since he could claim he had been a stepfather. This man was a pedophile and I had to let him contact my kids. I was flabbergasted.

I was awarded $600 in child support per month. Dennis had land and a 401K and other property. However, the other wife got first claim to all of that. Dennis's mother and brothers and sisters never again attempted to contact me or even send a card to Noah. Good Riddance. He was better off without them.

Dennis's first wife and son stayed in contact for a while. The first wife had back surgery and was really struggling herself. I didn't have much to offer at that point. I did try to help her. I just didn't have much left to be able to help her. The oldest son was married now with a son that is 3 or 4 months younger than Noah. He was 19 years old with a baby. He was busting his ass but was too busy with his own life to be in Noah's. I Understood.

My older son was entering the terrible teens. You would think a 14 year age difference would mean no sibling rivalry. Not true. He was horribly jealous of the money and attention I spent on the baby. He was mad because we were broke again. His hormones were screaming and his father was pretty much dragging me thru the dirt at every opportunity. I had hoped his father would be there for him more once we moved to Plano where he was already living. That wasn't the case. If anything he made him more hurt and angry.

I had horrible guilt and spoiled my older son. I got him a cell phone and a car. He needed to stay in contact with me and needed to be able to drive to work when he got his license. I bought him a '67 Mustang from a close friend. He took it out before he got his license and wrecked it. Thanks, I needed that!

TMI 49 But is isn't over

I thought things would finally be over. I did eventually start sleeping better and felt a tremendous relief that he wouldn't be around to break in and steal things or just destroy things.

I had the marriage voided. Since I was never legally married I couldn't get a divorce. It still cost me quite a bit of money. I wanted Dennis's parental rights to Noah terminated. The courts wouldn't do that. Dennis got joint custody. I was floored. I got sole conservatorship. It still didn't seem right. He got supervised visitation.

I began to understand this would NEVER be over.

I hadn't started to heal. I had a tremendous amount of guilt. How could I have chosen a pedophile to be the father of my son. I had cheated him of a normal family and of ever having a father to love him as only a father can.

Shortly thereafter, I changed jobs. I got a huge pay raise and moved to Plano from Grand Prairie. I was committed to starting a new life and starting one where he couldn't easily find me. His letters were weird and there were veiled threats.

TMI Pity

I don't want pity. I just want to be able to help someone else and I want to understand how I let this happen. I am okay. My kids are okay. I weathered the storm. What ever else you feel for me DO NOT FEEL PITY.

This is in fact a story of success. I made it thru. I came out on the other side changed but intact. Life does go on.

TMI 48 The Therapists

I tried therapists. I had seen therapists in the past. I grew up in a home with a paranoid schizophrenic mother and had my share of dysfunction. I thought at first I needed to see a therapist that had a Christian background. Dennis had an associate degree in theology and when he would get drunk he would insist he was a prophet coming to announce the second coming of Christ. I wasn't buying that but I did have a problem with God letting this happen to me and to his other family. I finally came to believe that regardless of what else happened, this was all a part of God's plan.

Incidentally, the therapists I saw this time were full of shit. None had close to the experiences I had and were horribly patronizing. I felt worse after seeing them each time. I finally quit going.

I had desperately wanted another baby. I had found a man that would gladly give me one. The was a little girl out there that didn't have the strength to testify against her abusive father. I saved her from having to do that but ended up making sure he got his due.

I felt horribly guilty I left those kids with the mother that knew this had been going on for at least 3 to 4 years and turned a blind eye. I investigated trying to get custody and was told I didn't have a leg to stand on. I worried about those kids. I finally let them go in my mind. I couldn't save the world and I had done the best I could.

I had my own kids to take care of and no one was going to help me. I didn't have a church like the other wife did and I had to work full time to support my kids. I had to get my shit together and take care of them because no one else would. I hadn't spoken to my parents in a year and wouldn't speak to them for 3 more. My sister ceased all contact with me and still does not speak to me to this day.

Somewhere in the pits of despair. I decided to be a Phoenix that rose from the ashes. That which does not kill us does not always make us stronger. Sometimes it just leaves scar tissue.

I was bitter and alone. I rallied my forces and concentrated on raising my kids. I didn't have much choice.

TMI 47 Broken Hearted and Betrayed

I have no words to describe what happened to me after Dennis went to prison and I realized he had been guilty all along. I wish I could put it into words but there is no good way to describe it. I have been suicidal in the past but it was nothing like this. Thank God, I had my sons to keep me going.

Dennis wrote me letters. I never answered one. I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing I got them and read them. They cut me to the quick and they left me emotionally bleeding and afraid of him. Worst of all, I had lost all confidence in myself. How could I have been so wrong? How could I have loved a monster?

The thought of sex in any form made me physically ill. I was sure I would be celibate the rest of my life. I had zero sex drive. I have in the deepest depression of my life. My parents and I were on the outs and they knew nothing. My sister wasn't speaking to me. My brothers hadn't been told. I felt totally alone. I hurt so bad.

I had taken a Myers-Briggs personality test several years ago and had been an EFNP. I had to take it again. This time I was an ISTJ. I didn't know who I was anymore. I hated everything. I had such guilt. I hated the other wife. I hated everything but my sons.

TMI 46 I love Probation Officers and Cops

I filed complaint after complaint about Dennis. He kept breaking in and generally trying to terrorize me. I don't terrorize easily.

The finally felt they had enough to revoke his probation. The Assisant DA came to meet me. I took the baby and met with her at a Denny's near my house. I liked her. She was smart and strong and in many ways like me. She had a miserable job. I gave her every bit of info I could.

I was nuts back then. I had lived thru so much and had been so emotionally and physically abused that I was not in my right mind. I loved Dennis. I really did. Or at least I loved who I thought he really was. It was killing me to try to send him to prison. Why wouldn't he just let go of me?

The Asst. DA wanted me at the revocation hearing in case she needed me to testify. I was a basket case that day. I locked my keys in my car and then got lost on the way. I got there and Dennis was on the stand. LYING HIS ASS OFF!

His mother and brother from Arkansas were there along with a man I didn't recognise. I felt so badly for them.

Dennis got caught in a lie on the stand. I did not get called after that.

The judge after hearing all arguments, looked Dennis straight in the eye and said

"I have give you chances and the benefit of the doubt I have not given most people. You have had a tremendous amount of people really trying to help you. You have chosen, by your actions to throw that all away. I sentence you to 10 years in the Texas State Correctional Institutions" That is not verbatim but the best of my recollections. I was floored. I figured he would get 18 months tops. I cried and told him I was sorry and that I loved him. He shouted at me that it was all my fault and that he hated me. I just cried.

I met his mother and brother and the other guy outside. They needed to get a U-haul to get his things and put them in "storage in Arkansas" They never ask if I needed anything. They did introduce me to the other guy. He was a friend Dennis went to school with they brought as a character witness. The mother was devastated. She knew he was innocent. I agreed with her but told her he was an alcoholic. The friend from school looked at us both and said "No, Dennis is guilty, he admitted it to me last night."

I almost threw up. I had an hour and a half drive home. I cried all the way. I went and go the baby from the daycare and hugged him and just cried until I didn't have any more tears.

Dennis's family never ask if I needed anything. I have never heard from them since. Not a card for Noah on his birthday or Christmas.

3 days after his revocation, Dennis called me collect from the Wise County jail. I accepted the charges thinking he was finally going to come clean and apologize. WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I WAS A TOTAL IDOIOT!! He wanted me to send him money. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


YAH RIGHT!!! He was ORDERING ME to send him money. He hasn't even paid his child support. I had no words.


He tried calling again over the next few weeks. I didn't accept the charges.

TMI 45 The Straw that Broke the Camels Back and Beyond

Dennis started sending me nasty emails. He would go out of his way to make sure he would pass me as I was coming home from work and he was going to work and would point his finger at me like a gun and then "pull the trigger"

When calling me at home quit working, he started calling me at work. Cubicals are not the place to have the kind of discussions we would have. I would hang up on him and he would call back immediately and I couldn't let a business phone just ring and ring like that. One day he got mad and called my company's head office in Houston and told them I had called him and made a death threat. I didn't. I still got reprimanded. He was trying to get me fired so I would need him to support me. AS IF!!

I filed another complaint with the Probation Officer. I got an attorney and got a protective order after he threatened my son while I wasn't at home.

He broke in and stole all my tax returns, social security cards for the kids, birth certificates. All my legal documents. I called the police when I got home and discovered it. They wouldn't come out to the house because he had once lived there. They felt it was just a vindictive attempt on my part and something we needed to handle privately. I wasn't amused. If I had been home or my son had when he had been there it would have been a different matter. He wasn't though.

I went storming over to his apartment to get my stuff back. He was doing his homework for his sex offender therapy. I read it. He talked about fondling his daughters breast. I was physically ill. He said he had to make something up so they thought he was cooperating. I didn't really buy it at this point but still didn't see him as a pedophile he was really more of a drunk in my opinion.

TMI 44 The 7th Level of Hell

I didn't really think that Dennis had reoffended. I thought that Dennis had done things like be in the house with my teenager without supervision so that when they ask him if he had offended he had guilt and that is what came thru. To this day, I still believe that. The part about the test that is. I don't think he reoffended while on my watch.

Dennis called me at work after I had spoke to his Probation Officer. He didn't know I had called him but I told him I did and that he needed to be gone before I got home. I also told him that his Probation Officer was looking for him since they had been trying to contact him and hadn't been able to.

I got home and Dennis was gone. I should have changed the locks then but I didn't. Boy was I dumb. He moved into a Days Inn just up the street. He called me and ask me to come see him. I left the baby with the teenager and went. I told him it was over. He insisted it wasn't. He tried all of his old tricks. I wasn't buying it. I went home.

This went on for about 2 weeks. I tried to help him get an apartment and get out of my life. He finally got one. I had the locks changed. He broke into my house and stole my dog because I wouldn't talk to him. He was going to MAKE me talk to him. I called the Probation Officer. I called Dennis and told him I called the Probation Officer. This scenario went on with differing variations for weeks.

TMI 43 The Lull and the Real Beginning of the End

Dennis was working and drinking pretty much whenever he wasn't working. I wasn't working and I wasn't. He was back to making about $120k a year. We still had his credit card debt, his new minivan, my car, my credit cards, and the house to pay in addtional to utilities and etc and his $2k/month in child support. I was covering my bills and the house payment and my car payment with my severance and day trading. I had gotten pretty good at day trading and at that time the market was hot.

I was getting sick of the drinking but we had grown into a rut that wasn't nearly as bad as before. I managed Dennis and his drinking. My friends had pretty much had it with him and with me. I fought with my closest friends for the first time in my life. I just wanted him to wake up and see what he was doing. I just knew if he knew how much he was hurting himself and everyone else he would be highly ashamed and embarrassed. I kept waiting for him to get to that point. I was just sure he would. My older sons were disgusted with me. Dennis wasn't getting better.

In late January of 1999, I got a call from a headhunter about a job. I called a friend who worked at the company and they put in a good word for me. I was sure I had the job before I interviewed. I was a perfect fit and they needed me and I knew it. The commute would be a killer. I had to go from one side of Dallas to the direct opposite every morning and evening during rush hour. It would usually be a 2 hour commute each direction due to traffic and having to drop the baby off at daycare.

They offered me the job. I visited my friend in California and took the baby with me. My older son went to stay with his Dad and older brother. I was gone for a week. I came back and had a week before I started working.

The closer I got to having to start work, the madder I got. I was going to have to leave my baby in daycare while his 3 half brothers and 1 half sister got a stay at home Mom. On top of it all, they were still not divorced so my marriage was still not legal. Dennis was still drinking. He had to take a lie detector test as part of his sex offender therapy. He was sweating bullets. I thought it was because he was drinking and was afraid they would ask that. He was still taking some mood altering prescription drugs in what he claimed was an attempt to quit drinking YAH RIGHT!

I was still at home the day he went to take the lie detector test. He dosed himself up on Buspar pretty good before going because he was so nervous. That drug is supposed to help you lie on a lie detector test I found out later.

He came home and told me the examiner said he passed with flying colors.

I was still not happy. I sent an email to his other wife and to him and gave them an ultimatium. They get the divorce overwith or Dennis moved out. I was not going to continue to manage him and a baby and etc while I got nothing. I wanted a legal marriage. I gave them 30 days to settle it.

The response wasn't what I was hoping for. I started work. I was mad but making it. On my third day of my new job, Dennis called me drunk and told me I had to get home right away and wouldn't give me any more explanation. I let my boss know and headed home.

Dennis had gotten the results of the lie detector test and had failed. It indicated that he had reoffended. I was floored. I told him to get out. He was totally drunk and refused. I packed up the kids and went to a motel. I called his probation officer in the morning and told him I was not going to be his chaperone any longer and that I wanted him OUT of my house before I got home.

TMI 42 The Job Search

Dennis and I were both furiously looking for jobs. Dennis was at the top of his field but the job market for Semiconductor Equipment Tech's wasn't good here in the Dallas area. I was still working and would be thru Thanksgiving. We each got a generous severance package from our employer but it wouldn't last forever. Not with Child Support and house payements and etc.

We each had no job offers.

Thanksgiving came and I was now unemployed too. I was enjoying staying home with he baby since I didn't have that luxury with my older two boys. Dennis was drinking a lot. I again gave him an ultimatium. Get a job or get out. He found a job with a company in Oregon. We put the house on the market and got ready to move.

As moving time approached, I choked. What was I doing moving halfway across the country with a man on probation that was a drunk and barely staying out of jail. I would be uprooting my kids and starting all over again. With 2 weeks to go, I told Dennis I was not moving but he was welcome to go without us.

He called some old buddies and had a local job in 30 minutes. I took the house off the market and thought we were home free.

TMI 41 The Return Home

We got home. Dennis got drunk. I told him to get out or I would call his probation officer.

He got an apartment and took all of the furniture. I had a twin bed mattress I slept on with the baby. My teenagers furniture was mine so he was good.

I went back to work.

Going back to work was not fun. I got moved to the warehouse after being gone for 5 months on disability and maternity leave. I was in charge but it was hot and miserable. On top of everything, I was in trouble over Dennis's lies. They attributed some to me. It took some explaining but I made it clear that I had told the truth. I also let them know we were separated.

My birthday came and went as did our anniversary without so much as a word from Dennis. I was pretty much livid. I had also pretty much given up.

In late July, I got word thru the grapevine that the company would be closing it's doors and we would all be laid off. I called Dennis at work to let him know. It was the first time we had spoken in weeks. Two days later, he called and ask to move back in to save money for us both. I was scared and it seemed like a good idea. He quit drinking again. I was back to having a bed to sleep in.

The shutdown came a week later. He was laid off immediately. I was kept for 90 days to do a mothballing of the plant. He was to spend his days looking for a job. He spent them drinking instead while at home with my now 14 year old and his best friend and often the friends younger sister.

Again, I was livid. How could he do this at this time? I was not happy. I was still trying to pull it together. It just wasn't up to me.

TMI 40 A Death

Dennis got out of rehab after 2 weeks. I went again with him to counseling and AA meetings. The people there told me that when he was really ready and really sorry there would be sincerity in his commitment to stop. They tried to tell me and make me understand. They really did. I refused to see it. I wanted so badly for things to work.

He came home. He went back to work. He was clean for 2 days. Then he got drunk on top of the meds they gave him to combat the withdrawl.

We got a call from his mother. His father had died at the age of 84. Dennis got sober. We drove to Arkansas with the baby, my 13 year old and his best friend. His parents lived without air conditioning. His mother had a llama, a pot bellied pig, at least 3 dogs and a pack of cats. There was also an Iguana and a variety of other pets. I am a pet person so it didn't bother me in the least. The heat and humidity were killing me. My brothers and sisters in law were furiously trying to get the house clean enough to be presentable to company for the wake. Dennis stayed sober. He also brought several gifts for his 13 year old niece. I had alarms going off in my head all over the place.

I spoke to the sistes and the brothers. They all swore they had never seen Dennis act inappropriately with any child. His cousin was the sanest of the bunch. He was a male nurse that had been in the military. I could relate to him. He was in the process of an ugly divorce. His wife was a heroin addict and he was in a custody battle for his 4 year old daughter. He told me he didn't trust Dennis with her. I agreed that caution was always needed under the circumstances but I also thought he was still just a drunk not a pedophile.

The funeral was sad. The Sons of the Confederacy were there. Dennis mostly stayed sober. I was ready to go home.

TMI 39 Getting Ready To Go Back To Work

Me going back to work and Dennis drinking was not going to happen. Not with us living in the same house. We fought. I ask him to leave. He refused. We did this over and over for the next couple of weeks.

I finally left and told him that if he did not check into inpatient treatment voluntarily, I would turn him in for drinking to his probation officer. (This as I came to find out, was a violation of the Tarrant County terms not the Wise County Terms legally, they couldn't revoke him or at least didn't want to for that.)

I was gone for one evening and he agreed to go into inpatient treatment the next morning when I called. I returned and took him in to rehab. He called the office and told them he was going to be visiting his sick father. I tried to stay out of it since we worked for the same company. I wanted him to come clean about the problem but he refused.

In rehab he had them drug him up so bad that when I went to see him the following day, he was drooling uncontrollably. He was also flirting with another "rehabee" I wasn't pleased and told him so. I went home.

I wasn't sure what to do at that point. It was pretty much out of my hands and into his. I wanted to make this all work out. It wasn't up to me. I hadn't learned that yet.

TMI 38 Things began happening quickly

Once Dennis had a relapse, it only took 2 days before he was back drinking full time. I was having to manage a teenager, a drunken husband who had lots of issues and STILL wasn't divorced, and a baby. On top of it all, I had to get ready to go back to work.

I fought with Dennis almost constantly. I made it perfectly clear that I would not allow him to drink and put my children in jeopardy. It fell on deaf ears.

I repeatedly ask him to leave to move out and move on. He refused.

After a particularly bad drunken episode, I threw him out and locked the doors and refused to let him in. He disappeared for 3 days. I was relieved. He went to visit his father who was 84 and dying. I didn't care, he was gone and not my problem.

He came back.

TMI 37 What was I thinking????

So, I throw a fit Dennis got drunk. I try to remember that the road to sobriety is a journey not something that happens overnight. I think about this and decided this is a one time blip on the screen and that I can forgive it.

I am having serious misgivings and I know I have to go back to work in 4 weeks. There is no way, I am going to go back to work, worry about a baby and have to babysit Dennis. I physically can't manage it.

We are still going to Drug and Alcohol counseling. When they ask me if Dennis drank, I said No. I have no idea why I lied for him. I don't lie for myself. Why would I lie for him? It is a big mistake. He understands again that he can manipulate me and that I will lie for him when he does something wrong. I am just intent on salvaging the rapidly deteriorating situation. I don't yet realize it isn't up to me.

TMI 36 The Beginning of the End but it takes a long time to really get there.

I am home with the new baby. He is the newest love of my life. So beautiful and so perfect. He is a good baby. Quiet, eats well, sleeps a lot. My 13 year old bonds with him.

I have spent the last several months managing Dennis and his life. Now, I have to juggle Dennis and the baby. No doubt about it, the baby comes first.

Dennis is resentful. Noah is 2 weeks old and the lease is up on Dennis's minivan. He goes to "turn it in" as we agreed. Our plan is that we will buy another car or van but the lease is too expensive and not a good deal. He comes home drunk and with a new van he signed a 4 year lease on. His comment was that he needed to celebrate the good deal he got. He got a lousy deal. Smaller less nice van, higher "lease" payment. He is drunk. I am livid. I can feel myself being forced to make a choice. If the choice is Dennis or my kids, Dennis loses big time.

My Theme Song

Not sure why but this is probably my all time favorite song. There are a few that I consider themes of my life. This is one.


DEACON BLUES

This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers
Wild gamblers
That's all in the past

You call me a fool
You say it's a crazy scheme
This one's for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line

CHORUS:
I'll learn to work the saxophone
I'll play just what I feel
Drink Scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues

My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind

I crawl like a viper
Through these suburban streets
Make love to these women
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home

CHORUS

This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I'll be what I want to be

CHORUS

TMI 35 And then there was Noah

My first son was born in 1982. I was 22 years old. He was a week overdue and weighed in at 9lbs. 15 oz. I had him naturally.

My second son was born in 1984. I was 24 years old. I was on active duty in the Army by this time and was running around 20 miles a week and continued to do so until I was 8 months pregnant with him. They made me stop then because it made me have contractions. I smoked cigarettes with him because I heard it caused low birth weight and I was young and foolish. He was due June 30. I went into labor June 20th at 9:00PM. I had him June 21 at 7:10. He weighted in at 8lbs 4 oz.

Needless to say, I wasn't anxious to go thru normal labor and delivery when I was going to have an elephant of a baby. The ultraounds we had done to check on the problems with the baby's head indicated this baby would also be large. I went to the Ob/Gyn Dr on May 4th for my weekly appointment. My cervix had started to soften and the baby I had started to dialate. The doctor estimated the baby would weigh between 8 and 9 lbs and even though I wasn't due until May 19, he told me I could have the baby whenever I chose and he would induce me. I decided the next morning would be good. I was tired of being pregnant. I had gotten to the point where I was so physically stressed I would have to stop and take a break while emptying the contents of the washer into the dryer. I thought I would never have any energy or strength again.

Dennis was still behaving. We set the 13 year old up with his friends to spend the night. We went to Macaroni Grill for a last meal for me before the baby then we checked into the hospital to have the labor induced.

They put me on the most uncomfortable bed I have ever laid on. Hooked up up to noisy miserable contraptions and gave me something to soften and ripen my cervix futher. They thought that would be enough to cause me to go into labor. If it didn't, they would give me Pitocin in the morning. I got no other drugs and had mild labor all night long. By 6 AM, my cervix had softened but I had not progressed into active labor. They started the Pitocin. It always makes the labor 10x more painful. After about an hour, I needed a painkiller. My body was violently contracting and I was barfing from the drugs. They gave me so much Demoral that I woke up only for contractions. They happened about every 3 minutes but I would definitely sleep between them due to the drugs. My water broke and Dennis called for the nurse. The baby had started to crown so they called the Doctor that was just in his office down the hall. He came in, I pushed twice and Noah was born. He was so beautiful. He had the most gorgeous golden reddish blonde hair.

I was so drugged up I didn't trust myself to hold him more than a minute. They took him to the nursery, cleaned me up a bit and put me in a real bed. I was so much more comfortable and so tired, I slept. Dennis went home to shower and eat and came back. When he came back, I was awake and I had Noah full time. The next morning, less than 24 hours after he arrived. We were going home.

TMI 34 A Glimmer of Hope

Dennis woke up finally and had a wicked hang over. He was home. He was bruised and sore. He was sick as a dog.

He got up and I explained to him about how I thought that he was very lucky to be alive. I explained that while he had definitely had a rough couple of days. I was willing to once again try to help him.

I laid out the fact that he might well have his probation revoked and could well got to prison due to the public intoxication arrest.

I told him I thought his best bet was to really try to get sober and to make a concerted, honest effort to get sober once and for all.

I let him think about it and he decided I was right. He also thought that he didn't need to do inpatient treatment but that he could bet sober on his own with help on an outpatient basis. He was very shaky and scared. He made appoitments to see a doctor to help him get over the alcohol withdrawl and set up meeting with an alcohol counselor. I was supportive. I went with him to all the appointments. I drove him to and picked him up from work so he wouldn't be tempted to stop and get alcohol on his way home. He got off at midnight and I would be there waiting for him. This went on for about 3 weeks and finally he felt good enough to be able to drive himself. He went to AA meetings and seemed to be making a genuine effort.

For the first time in about 4 months, I had hope again. He was sober and reasonable to be around and a concerned and caring husband. I felt we had a long way to go but had finally started on the road to recovery.

During all this time, the divorce from the other wife was not finalized. I didn't really understand what the hold up was but I was growing impatient.

My Greatest Accomplishment of 2006

It may possibly be my greatest accomplishment of all time.

I managed to find it within myself to forgive Dennis. I know most of you haven't wanted to read the long boring, depressing tale of Dennis in my TMI entries. I don't blame you. Mostly I am writing them for me. I need to somehow get this out so that I can go back and remember how I felt when I was writing them and see if there is some way I can help someone else deal with what I went thru.

Back to my forgiveness though. I had been honestly trying to forgive Dennis ever since he officially went to the State Pen. I didn't always want to forgive him for him but for me. I think it is bad to harbor anger and bad feelings no matter how much the object deserves them. Ultimately, they hurt the holder much more than the object of the anger. I could never quite forgive Dennis though. Mostly, because I felt like he wasn't sorry. He isn't sorry. That hasn't changed. What has changed is that the fact that he isn't sorry is what finally made me able to forgive him. The fact that he is not capable of remorse made me actually pity him. In my heart I do think and probably will always think he is something less than human. He lost his humanity when he molested his own daughter. The fact that he is not sorry for that or for any other pain he has caused has made me understand what a truly pathetic creature he is. He is not capable of remorse or passion or love or guilt or shame. He is driven by a need. That truly deserves sympathy and forgiveness. It does not make me trust him or feel the need to make excuses or give him any more freedoms than he currently possesses. It simply allows me to forgive him as I would forgive a dog for killing a cat or a rabbit. It is in his nature and he can't do better.

TMI 33 I should have learned my lesson. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I went home after Dennis was arrested and collapsed. First, I called his attorney and told him that Dennis had been arrested and I told them they need to get him out of jail and make arrangements for him to stay somewhere else as he was not welcome back. They knew I was about 7 months pregnant and I gave them most of the details about the previous night. They pretty much told me that he was on his own but that they would check into it.

I tried to go to bed. I was exhausted. My house was a wreck. I was again a total basket case. I couldn't sleep much. Either I was too worried or exhausted or just confused. I am not sure. I just couldn't relax enough and let go enough to really sleep. I dozed a bit. I ended up getting out of bed around 3. I again called the attorney and they hadn't heard from Dennis.

I wanted him out and gone. I just couldn't deal with anything one minute longer. But, I had his car and his car keys and his clothes and furniture (I had gotten rid of mine when he moved in as his was newer and nicer.) At some point, there would have to be a hand off of property. Not only that, he needed to work in 2 days and without his car he couldn't get there.

An hour later, the phone rang. It was Dennis. He cried and ask me why I got him into trouble and told me he was beaten at the jail. I told him I was sorry he was beaten but that I was done. I got off the phone and he called back. I hung up and he called back. This went on for about an hour. I finally ended up talking to him and he promised he had quit drinking for good. He told me he was at a hotel near my house and would I come there to see him. I struggled with this but eventually relented. I took my 13 year old with me so if something happened he could get help.

We get to his room and he has again drank most of a 5th of vodka and at least 6 of an 18 pk of beer. He was no longer mobile. Against my better judgement, I packed him up in the car with the help of my son and took him home and put him to bed where he passed out for another 24 hours.